Shark Attacks Add to Offshore Banking Woes

(Bermuda Triangle) A sudden rise in violent shark attacks had thrown yet another wrench in off-shore banking operations already beset by rising water and even an occasional pirate incursion in the Caribbean.

     The fish seem to have turned more aggressive as the deposits grow. They have been blamed for serious interruption of cash flow and several deaths in the lower berths of this tax evasive banking industry team. In addition many accounts, established as long ago as 1990 have simply floated away due to rising ocean levels, leaving global depositors crying salty tears, holding little more than a soggy bag.

     Then, if this wasn’t already jeopardizing the wavering banking system, pirates have fallen upon particularly flamboyant or audacious accounts and have snatched stragglers as well as very tempting young or wounded balance sheets, making off with millions, according to experts on the water. 

     “These terrorists are the final straw,” said John Me, comptroller at one of the larger offshore establishments. “They have tipped the scale and we are petitioning the federal gov’ment (yeah the same one that we’re ripping off) to send troops.”

     Me expressed concern that the terrorists might soon have nuclear weapons that could be put to use to seize the whole ball of wax.

     “Somebody needs to do something before it’s too late,” he stressed. “We would take matters into our own hands but we’re too busy being rich and greedy.”

      Historically the primary annoyance has always been tiger and hammerhead sharks with ominous fins and a big mouth full of razor teeth. This is not some metaphor regarding fiscal brethren stateside, but cold-blooded, apex ocean predators who have no regard for the thrill of ill gotten gains on the tax block. Now the makos seem to be engaging in regular feeding frenzies. Some experts are suggesting that the frightening fish have come to like the smell of money.

     Swimmers wearing shiny jewelry or splashing around excessively can provoke shark attacks. Generally the fish feed in the morning and at night although an occasional afternoon snack is not out of the question.

     Then the rising sea adds its two cents, washing away accumulated wealth like wee field mice in an epic tidal wave. The result of warmed temperatures on the earth, the high water has seeped into areas thought safe from both natural conditions and government interventions. 

     “Thin of all that money sinking to the ocean floor,” said Me. “It’s enough to make a person crazy,” Me winced, slipping into snorkel, goggles and fins. “All this talk of pirates, sharks and greed makes me homesick for Wall Street” – Fred Zeppelin