Cow Tipping Championships Draw Throngs

(North Platte, Nebraska — Bovine Olympics XXXVII — February 24, 2016)

The 2016 World Cow Tipping Championships are in full swing this week with a large portion of the population of Nebraska in attendance. The final four teams, survivors of a grueling eight weeks of strategic pasture charges, will compete this weekend defined by the categories of speed, style, aptitude and gross weight of the object (s) tipped.

Cow Tipping has flourished in Nebraska since the turn-of- the 19th Century. Residents looking for some fun after the Cornhusker season, embraced the sport like a crow takes to road kill. Quickly one could observe a cache of amateur tippers readying themselves for the physically pounding competition. They size up their targets, usually after dark, stalking the beasts that are still finishing their dinner.

Then out of the depths of hell comes the eerie scream, the savage charge…splat…whomp…wham! A two-hundred pound human hurling himself at a 2000-pound Hereford, hoping to knock the cow from its hooves and onto the ground for a point.

Most cow tippers are former pigskin standouts prepared to match wits with the shrewd bovine. As any experienced cow tipper will confirm the sport looks a lot easier from the grandstands. A pert, common evasive move, or potential hostility can result in the athlete face down in manure.

“Most of these animals do not face a particularly promising future,” said Red Poppy, recognized as a minor deity in cow tipping circles. “Our sport allows them a few moments of pride before we start the barbecue fires. We don’t hurt them. We just tenderize them a bit.”

A promising vegan event has yet to materialize since vegetarianism (illegal in the Midwest) remains a controversial status and nobody has signed up for the projected Cheese Trails.

It is estimated that 5.3 million Nebraskans out of a population of 5.4 million have engaged in cow tipping at least once in their flatland lives. In the western half of the state, where access to cheap alcohol is less restrictive, about 20% engage in cow tipping one or twice a week after work. In Lincoln the varsity football team has discarded the traditional tackling dummies in honing their skills on the hapless Elsies and Ferdinands.

“If you can bring down a sedentary milk cow you can damn sure tackle a Big Ten running back,” said Poppy.

Meanwhile in the rural communities of Montrose and Delta the sport is slow to catch on since most prospects balk at the thought of tipping anything or anyone.
The double-elimination trials, as well as the final nail-biting matches, are strictly regulated by the Black Angles Bovine Full-Contact Federation. All rights to abandoned hamburger are reserved.

-Susie Compost

“In Ireland they have the Dublin School of Rock and Roll. In France Bruno the Lion continues as Charge de Mission Pour le Rock et les Varietes with full cabinet status. He is referred to warmly as Monsieur Rock. Meanwhile in the United States we have no Minister of Culture at all. We name our airports after Ronald Reagan, George H. Bush and the Dulles Brothers instead of Chuck Berry, Buddy Holly and Elvis Presley. What is the problem here?”
– Little Richard