Martian Amoebas Could Shift Vote Says Prof

(Aspen-Wilsonall Center) A political science professor at Adams State College told some men in the bar yesterday that if the Martian amoebas could have voted, Bob Dole would have been elected in 1996. The existence of the amoebas, recently discovered in someone’s dirty laundry chute, suggests that there was life on Mars at one time and that the Rockies would win the World Series in 2032.

“It’s that last part, you know…the impossible part…that stacks up well for antediluvian candidate, Mr. Dole,” said Dr. Orem Silt, a man of tenure and tenacity. “Imagine a million or so tiny amoebas elbowing their way into the ballot booth in a given November. Hell, that group could even sway an election in Mexico or El Salvador! Just look at the Evangelicals.”

Planet Gunnison Night Club Ready To Go

(Ohio City) It whispers sensuality all the way from its lace-trimmed windows to its bawdy, swinging door. It’s Gunnison’s newest night spot and it’s located in Ohio City! The 24-hour restaurant/lounge opened this morning to rave reviews from the local papers and revelers alike.

Although details are sketchy, The Horseshoe has learned that the club is located just off Quartz Creek along Forest Service Road 771. More specific directions are available thoughtlessly nailed to trees just north of the Gold Link Mine. Party animals are reminded that if they turn off at Comanche Gulch they haven’t come far enough and if they turn at the Mill Lake Trail they are violating over 320 Inferior Department rules regarding wilderness access and a slew of controversial highway beautification efforts

Just moments ago the proprietors confirmed rumors that they would be giving away warm beer through Christmas and that all sandwiches served in the establishment would include bread and an indigenous garnish.

Pancake Boy Quits School

(Ute Hall) The ever-popular Pancake Boy of Western State has reportedly decided to quit school in his senior year to take a position at the local Wal-Mart store. The Boy, who played out his eligibility at the former J.C. Penney’s, will receive a personalized smock and a small signing bonus, according to his student advisor, who was not identified.

Saying that they hated to lose the Pancake Boy and his tuition, one administrator wished him luck in the future.

“Without part of a silver dollar college education the Pancake Boy could have become just another waffling bum on the street,” offered Aunt Gemela, Director of Hot Skillets at WSC, “emerged in the pettiness of his own batter. I’d say more but somebody’s got to bring home the bacon around here, if you get my drift,” she chided. “This whole situation is getting very sticky as it is.”

The pancake boy was did not return our calls on Friday morning allegedly due to his chronic inability to use a smart phone.


A local woman, Belle Tool, has managed to graduate with a Bachelor of Science in Journalism in just two weeks. She will begin editing a local paper on Tuesday.

Much respected Canon City Chef, Bart Grease, formerly a trustee of the Colorado State Penal System, is resting quietly at the Alamo Clinic after getting his hair caught in a meat grinder yesterday at Taco Heaven, a noted campus hangout. Grease promised to wear a hair net in the future when operating heavy machinery.

Accumulative point averages are not politically correct and the system of grading will be abandoned immediately according to the Dean of the Hard To Find Auto Parts Department.

Most WSC students will be on television in September due to new secret observation apparatus already installed in most dormitories. The devices are frighteningly accurate and almost impossible to detect with the naked eye.

In closing the 2022 Mountaineer Dream Date Contest has been canceled since everyone is asleep.

– Peter Principal

Freshman Class “Not Pretty”

(Gunnison) The incoming class of 2024 is not the most attractive in recent memory according to sources in the Applied Cosmetics Department at Western State.

“I wouldn’t go so far as to call the class ugly,” said one instructor who asked not to be identified, “but facially impaired is right on the money, you know with all that stuff about politically correct and all.”

The instructor went on to say that not all the kids were homely or plain-looking.

“There were a few diamonds in the rough and they know who they are,” she said. “Besides, the class, as a whole, is a hell of a lot smarter than the sophomores.”

The Western State Admissions and Subtractions has publicly apologized to the community and the rest of the student body for the state of affairs within the freshman class. One minor bureaucrat there suggested his department require current photographs of potential students with applications in the future.

 “We think that the crisis has passed,” said one campus security officer as I’ve explained the logistics to my troops and they’re aware of the situation.”

Western State Security Forces are known for their aggressive philosophies on the subject of peace and quiet. Already ammunition rations have been cut back. Meanwhile clocks remain stopped all over campus.

– Gabby Haze

Goldischlocks and the Three Bears

Continued from the Honey Abyss 

so that she was sitting directly across from Morgenstern, the largest of the bears, and Goldischlock’s most likely ally.

 “Just because my family owns thirteen homes doesn’t mean we’re insensitive to the homeless,” cried Goldischlocks feigning damaged feelings. “Besides, I just happened by your cute little cottage by mistake while I was out looking for a place to build another strip mall.”

“I don’t believe you, little girl,” chimed in Theodora, a bear with insight beyond her tender years. “I think all you people are the same.”

“Yeah,” said Babill, the baby bear. Let’s eat the bitch!”

“Hold on, Babill,” said Morgenstern. “Let’s not get carried away. The little girl must have earned the right to own all these wonderful houses, no?”

“Actually I managed to inherit most of my wealth although I did work as a camp counselor once when I was in high school,” said Goldischlocks.

 “See!” screamed Babill. “She’s just another charlatan plus she’s broken my favorite chair, eaten up all my dinner and messed up my bed.”

“I’m tired of your whining, you proletariat bruin,” sassed Goldischlocks. “Haven’t you ever heard of the divine right theory? It’s all tough skunk cabbage, sugar. You should have had the common sense to be born rich like I was or at least marry a million. It beats working and philosophizing about how things might have been.”

“That’s just about enough, you little twit,” said Theodora. “I think you had better be going before we change our minds and eat you for supper.”

“Don’t threaten me you foul smelling sow,” shot Goldischlocks. “I could have you and your whole entourage thrown out in the street tomorrow with just one phone call. If you don’t believe…”

And just later…

“Pass me a leg, will you, Morgenstern,” said Theodora.

“And I’d like another piece of white meat,” said Babill.

“There you are, baby bear. Enjoy,” said Morgenstern.


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