IN THE SNOOZE…

Gates runs through water like water

(Seattle) Bill Gates’ Lake Washington mansion here used 4.7 million gallons of water last year, enough to one flush by every one of Seattle Public Utilities’ 1.3 million customers. A spokesman for the Microsoft billionaire said Gates expressed surprise and promised to be more conservative this year.

     In drought-ridden Seattle the Gates mansion boasts a 60-foot swimming pool, a sauna and indoor-outdoor spa. His actual bill for water in 2000 was $24,828. Groundskeepers say they suspect that most of the scarce commodity went for irrigation and a heating/cooling system.

     “At least he doesn’t have tropical fish,” said a public utilities employee. “If they just cut back 10 percent it would supply water to six homes in the area.”

Graffiti painter killed by train

Special from the AP

(New York) A 29-year-old man spray painting graffiti on the inside of a Brooklyn subway tunnel apparently was struck and killed by a train early Saturday, police said. At least three trains may have passed over the man’s body, they added.

     The man, Hector Ramirez, was found dead at 7 am on the track in the southbound tunnel on the F and G lines a short distance from the Bergen Street Station. 

Drug gets up the nose of sleeping policeman

Special from the London Daily Telegraph

     A police officer has won more than $12,000 payout after exposure to cannabis plants left him with a chronic snore which affected his relationship with his wife.

     Detective Inspector Brian Baker’s nose was permanently damaged by the dust from plants after he spent four days in a police drug storeroom. He was cataloguing drugs in a walk-in safe as insists the plants were not dried properly exposing him to fumes. He experienced breathing problems shortly afterwards.

     His statement of claim said: “He suffers from nasal congestion and sniffing together with a whistle of his nose, snoring and some diminution of his sense of smell. His snoring causes matrimonial disharmony.”

     Baker claimed that he should have been issued protective clothing and that the cannabis should have been kept in sealed containers. He will reportedly spend the money on a holiday in Newcastle.

Pirate Treasure Nets Expected Booty

(Crete) A wreck laden with what was thought to be a maharajah’s treasure came up a bit short with an Irish salvage team finding only eye patches. The ship had been boarded then sunk by marauding pirates in 1837.

     It has never been clear where the $40 million in gold ended up but this discovery indicates that the pirates may have buried it nearby. A second team of divers is expected to attempt to reach further cargo for a London insurance company later this month. 

     The vessel is thought to have been carrying treasure belonging to Sir Jagarit Singh, Maharajah of Kapurthala who was sending it to his harem in Punjab. The ship sank in 10,000 feet of water making a complete salvage unlikely.

Tree falls, hurts 29 at Disneyland

(Anaslime, CA) A giant tree toppled over at Disneyland Friday injuring a host of visitors and several employees. No one was seriously injured when the tree fell in Frontierland landing first on a food wagon.

     Insiders refused to comment on the accident saying that the tree, like the acres of orange groves mowed down to build the theme park’s many parking lots, should have been cut down decades ago.  

     Unreliable sources here were quick to point the finger in the direction of certain disenfranchised cartoon characters who prowl the grounds at will often menacing visitors and sometimes even extorting money.

      Incidents of violence are on the rise as summer approaches and cartoon characters in Southern California continue to overpopulate themselves. Most are hostile to family planning. Police plan a full investigation

“If one continues to talk around enough people someone is bound to write it down in some oblivious anthology which will then be stashed away in some lice-infested cellar beyond the furnace of literary pursuit.”

– from Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings by Conor Sturgeon, Testosterone Brothers, Boston.