Colorado Weapons Ban Widens

Special from The National Trigger Finger – September 10, 2015

Unconfirmed sources at the state capital confirm that an extended ban on assault-related armaments will take affect in October. Most notably sticks and rocks are now verboten, along with dining room furniture and kitchen utensils.
Other taboo minutiae making the roster of banned weaponry are ash trays, table tops, bottles, sharp pencils, sling-shots, water pistols, skillets, rolling pins, Louisville Sluggers, sharpened pork chop bones, sawed off potatoes, sharp tongues, battering corkscrews and hat pins.

Lauding the bi-partisan action several members of the Colorado Senate assured voters that “this slew of new laws should work as well as all the other laws already on the books” in controlling the spread of violence in Colorado.
Pro-weapons groups such as the National Cucumber Association and the mysterious Polyester Enchilada Coalition have pledged to overturn the legislation, which they say is the work of progressives, liberals and Satan.
– Jolly Pena

“One path (before us) leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. I pray we have the widow to choose wisely.”
– Woody Allen