All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
No “Day in the Park” in Ouray for summer
Summer is taking its time once again this year…
POACHING RAMPANT IN SENIOR SET
(Montrose) Incidents of poaching have reached epidemic proportions here according to behavioral scientists at the world renowned Pea Green Academy. Researchers expect matters to get even worse with the arrival of cold weather to the Rockies.
“One only has to look at the daily supplies in our grocery stores to realize that something is wrong,” winced one scientist who prefers his eggs cooked over-easy with a side of home fries. “These perpetrators think they have a right to poach at will. Most of the hard-boiled element won’t even consider legal channels such as the scrambled version or the more organic raw egg, right out of the shell.”
Local henboys agree that a few bad eggs often spoil it for everyone else but add that as long as the guilty get off with “just a slap on the hand” the problem will continue to grow. They alluded to a group of indicted poachers strutting around their cells like Bantam Roosters just prior to a preliminary hearing on Wednesday.
“One has to consider the fact that the older poachers cannot chew that well and the poached version makes for a far more pleasant morning meal,” said citizen’s advocate Henrietta Perdue of the National Association for the Advancement of Chickens and Poultry (NAACP). “If one really wants to get to the root of the problem he must look beyond the feathers. It’s all supply and demand! Don’t chastise the chicken farmers. The problem lies within the infrastructure here in our cities and towns.”
Perdue claims that if seniors did not desire poached eggs there would be no profit in chicken ranching and this contraband would disappear from circulation in a matter of months. An ardent follower of Pol Pot, Perdue’s other solution is to force all the seniors, as well as the chickens, from the cities out into the rural parts of the country for reeducation.
-Rocky Flats
Barking Study Complete
(Norwood) A $ 1.2 million study aimed at determining why dogs bark has been deemed a huge success by sponsor, Dogland Bank (with lobbyist, Oral Noise (Unitarian-Ophir-Retired). The often tedious study, conducted with the assistance of over 4000 San Miguel County dogs, ran way over cost but took only six years to finish.
“At the end we were forced to drop some of the more bleeding-heart domestic programs and cut back on No Child Left Behind but we feel it was well worth it,” said Noise, a neoconic blue-blood and supporter of the New World Order agenda since World War II. “I can sleep a lot better knowing this data is now in the hands of our greatest scientists and the Agency of Canine Insecurities.”
A close aide then explained that the study was multi-faceted with phase one focused on exactly why dogs bark and phase two reaffirming all postulates from phase one and examining other canine audio options.
“After cross-referencing all data exhumed over the past years I am pleased to report, with unequivocal candor, that dogs bark because they enjoy the exercise…in other words they like to bark,” said the source. “That appears to be the undeniable truth: Over 90% of the drooling respondents agreed that no other viable options exist in that meowing and mooing are degrading while oinking and chirping make them feel silly,” yelped the spokesperson.
The entire study was conducted using sophisticated hand signals, pats on the head and small pieces of meat used as motivational devices throughout both phases of the information gathering. – Fred Zeppelin
TRAIN CHASER FRUSTRATES AUTHORITIES
(Ridgway) Even as a young girl Lucy Mills had a thing for trains. Growing up near Dallas Divide she witnessed the passing from narrow gauge to split rail to the more modern welded steel rail tracks. She saw freight trains, boxcars, hoppers and flatcars. What ever made her want to chase them is anyone’s guess.
All it took was a whistle or maybe just the rumble of a caboose and she was off. One morning, in a rush to catch a slow gondola car she ran out of the cabin with nothing on but her boots and long-handles. She was blooming into quite a woman by then and that sure got some attention.
“We aren’t sure what she’d do if she ever caught one of the trains,” quipped her uncle Dulles Mills. In the beginning I figured she was just a little short of sense but when I saw those eyes gleaming in the light of the engineer’s lamp I knew we were dealing with someone quite special.”
Toole says he actually observed Mills biting at the cross-ties and the rails themselves.
“She’s like a mad dog when the train comes through town,” he frowned. “Not only is she a danger to herself but she scares our passengers.”
That may not be completely true since many tinhorns and other visitors to our country have taken to wagering bets on Mills and her curious endeavors. Last week, near Portland, a Chinese prince lost an estimated $350 when Mills failed to catch a slow freight. Sadly Mills had to be hog-collared by a nearby hump conductor and three gandy dancers who were busy placing ballast on the roadbed.
One of the fastest women in Ouray County, Mills does manage to stay in great shape through her questionable hobby.
“We’d rather see her chasing horses or running down elk but she’s hooked on the trains,” said her father known in town as Pa. “I think it’s the sound and the fact that the trains make such a production of their arrivals and departures. It drives her nuts.”
Several of the leading freight companies have even attempted to hire Mills so as to distract her from the chase but that didn’t work. Apparently she didn’t take to a series of desk jobs preferring to be outside along the tracks.
“At least she doesn’t attempt to ram locomotives like that guy over in Placerville,” said Toole. “Now there was a man obsessed with technology.”
Despite what you may have heard
- …summer is coming
Local Man admits to Packer slayings
(Tumble Creek) Roscoe Lovinggood, 99, has admitted to the slayings of his companions and to cannibalism during a gold seeking venture near Lake City in 1874. Taking “full responsibility” for these notorious acts, for decades blamed on Alferd Packer, Lovinggood said he shot Israel Swan and George Noon in self-defense and later gunned down Shannon Bell, James Humphrey and Frank Miller in a rear-guard action following the trios’ objections to his bloody behavior.
Local police remain skeptical since Lovinggood’s age does not match up with the admissions and that he has a history of taking responsibility for other lawless behavior, including the murder of William Julius Barney outside Telluride’s Smuggler Mine in 1902, and for the sinking of the Titanic in 1912.
“While his connection with the Titanic is mathematically feasible, he would have been 4-years-old at the time of the disaster and not a likely suspect,” said one investigating officer. “Besides that foul play was never a consideration in the sinking of the ocean liner. The other two events, however, happened before 1908, his legal date of birth, and therefore must be discounted,” he smirked.
Due to repeated demands that he be taken seriously on this matter, Lovinggood spent one night in the Crested Butte dog pound compliments of the local police force. He remains on limited probation and a fixed income as of this morning.
– Small Mouth Bess
