All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
TRAIN CHASER FRUSTRATES AUTHORITIES
(Ridgway) Even as a young girl Lucy Mills had a thing for trains. Growing up near Dallas Divide she witnessed the passing from narrow gauge to split rail to the more modern welded steel rail tracks. She saw freight trains, boxcars, hoppers and flatcars. What ever made her want to chase them is anyone’s guess.
All it took was a whistle or maybe just the rumble of a caboose and she was off. One morning, in a rush to catch a slow gondola car she ran out of the cabin with nothing on but her boots and long-handles. She was blooming into quite a woman by then and that sure got some attention.
“We aren’t sure what she’d do if she ever caught one of the trains,” quipped her uncle Dulles Mills. In the beginning I figured she was just a little short of sense but when I saw those eyes gleaming in the light of the engineer’s lamp I knew we were dealing with someone quite special.”
Toole says he actually observed Mills biting at the cross-ties and the rails themselves.
“She’s like a mad dog when the train comes through town,” he frowned. “Not only is she a danger to herself but she scares our passengers.”
That may not be completely true since many tinhorns and other visitors to our country have taken to wagering bets on Mills and her curious endeavors. Last week, near Portland, a Chinese prince lost an estimated $350 when Mills failed to catch a slow freight. Sadly Mills had to be hog-collared by a nearby hump conductor and three gandy dancers who were busy placing ballast on the roadbed.
One of the fastest women in Ouray County, Mills does manage to stay in great shape through her questionable hobby.
“We’d rather see her chasing horses or running down elk but she’s hooked on the trains,” said her father known in town as Pa. “I think it’s the sound and the fact that the trains make such a production of their arrivals and departures. It drives her nuts.”
Several of the leading freight companies have even attempted to hire Mills so as to distract her from the chase but that didn’t work. Apparently she didn’t take to a series of desk jobs preferring to be outside along the tracks.
“At least she doesn’t attempt to ram locomotives like that guy over in Placerville,” said Toole. “Now there was a man obsessed with technology.”
Despite what you may have heard
- …summer is coming
Local Man admits to Packer slayings
(Tumble Creek) Roscoe Lovinggood, 99, has admitted to the slayings of his companions and to cannibalism during a gold seeking venture near Lake City in 1874. Taking “full responsibility” for these notorious acts, for decades blamed on Alferd Packer, Lovinggood said he shot Israel Swan and George Noon in self-defense and later gunned down Shannon Bell, James Humphrey and Frank Miller in a rear-guard action following the trios’ objections to his bloody behavior.
Local police remain skeptical since Lovinggood’s age does not match up with the admissions and that he has a history of taking responsibility for other lawless behavior, including the murder of William Julius Barney outside Telluride’s Smuggler Mine in 1902, and for the sinking of the Titanic in 1912.
“While his connection with the Titanic is mathematically feasible, he would have been 4-years-old at the time of the disaster and not a likely suspect,” said one investigating officer. “Besides that foul play was never a consideration in the sinking of the ocean liner. The other two events, however, happened before 1908, his legal date of birth, and therefore must be discounted,” he smirked.
Due to repeated demands that he be taken seriously on this matter, Lovinggood spent one night in the Crested Butte dog pound compliments of the local police force. He remains on limited probation and a fixed income as of this morning.
– Small Mouth Bess
Second Gnome Owners Asked to Clean Up After Pets
(Mt Crested Butte) Households currently hosting more than one gnome as pets on their property have been warned to police the area according to high government sources here. Second gnome owners, most of them part-time residents, have been under scrutiny of late with the current crisis approaching epidemic proportions.
“They really don’t eat that much,” said one second gnome owner from California who spends at least a week here in the summer. “We keep our pets under control most of the time but accidents do happen. It’s all quite natural.”
Authorities are most concerned with conspicuous or salient locales such as the access points to homes, parking lots, public walkways and prominent viewing areas. Controversial plans to install gnome scoops at every intersection from the gondola to the heavily fortified security gates at the entry to the community are being contested by environmentalist groups with a special session of the town council slated to meet Thursday night.
“This is not our problem,” stressed Svelte Cramer, a fifth-term councilman who moved to Crested Butte to find himself. “The second gnome owners knew they would have to settle the waste problem when they expanded their entourage. Sure, little gnomes look cute in the box or at the pet store but they grow up. They may be little fellas but they pack quite a punch,” he said.
Cramer went on to say that the average gnome lives to be at least 15 years-old and that, compiled daily, averages out to be quite a load on anyone involved. He, along with supporters on the legislative body is suggesting a whole new set of laws dictating proper health and beauty practices.
“It’s a matter of space, shrinking space, even up here, added the councilperson. “Diet, social norms, peer pressure and good example all come into play when we’re talking about training a gnome to take responsibility for his actions. Most of these pets want to please their owners. They must simply be shown the right path.”
Many residents here are turning to the European gnome which, in addition to being a bit smarter than the New World Lilliputian or the cheaper Wharf Dwarf model, common to the northwest central Southeastern Baltics. Although these Euro-dwarfs are more responsive and can be trained to use the indoor facilities in the pinch, they are often testy and can fly into fits of rage when provoked.
“They can be nasty, especially when crossed or cornered. It’s already damn well the Ides of March. We must nip this problem in the bud before spring run-off,” continued Cramer. “We can appreciate people wanting to have multiple pets for both companionship and security but they must take responsibility or the day will come when gnomes, like Shakespeare’s Dogs of Gothic, will be banned from the community.
“Back in the Seventies when the first pioneers arrived in this valley there was plenty of space to let it all hang out. Who cared back then if it was this tree or that one. Things are different now and we must decide on this matter by focusing on urban considerations,” lectured the councilperson.
In a related crisis, local leprechauns, in town for the spring holidays have complained of harassment by law enforcement officials. A contingent of about 100 of the wee people are expected to sit in on the aforementioned meeting this week.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
IRELAND JUST MILES AWAY FROM RESTING PLACE
(Malaga, Spain) The island nation of Ireland has been spotted off the coast of Spain this morning, traveling at the speed of 35 knots in the direction of Sardinia. Hibernians, long tired of proximity with Britain, kidnapped the island last year and began the epic float trip to the Mediterranean Sea.
These Celts insist that Ireland belongs in the Mediterranean near Italy, Greece, Spain and several African nations with which it shares a common heritage.
“When was the last time you saw an Irishman that acted like a German or a Swede,” asked Finbar Harahan, the wealthy financier in charge of the transport.
“We had a little trouble getting through the Straits of Gibraltar,” he said, “but that’s still run by the Brits and all.”
If all goes according to plan Ireland will anchor in northern Corsica before steaming off south to the Tyrrhenian Sea to an undisclosed spot donated by the alleged bastard off-spring of Napolean Bonaparte, who continue to live on the island of Elba, just off the coast of Tuscany.
O’Brien’s Lowers Urinals For Wee
Haute-Hydraulics Welcomes Leprechauns to Town
(Ouray) Urinals here will be substantially lower by the time the wee folk arrive to celebrate St Patrick’s Day on March 17. The unselfish plumbers and architects, taking on this porcelain proposition, have been at it again although this is the first year that the reconstruction will be conducted using state and federal funds.
“We wrote a grant proposal late one night last off-season and 90 days later got a check in the mail,” said a principle that sough anonymity. “Along with the check were specifics as to the general construction and materials preferred. The feds like all their johns to look and function the same. They like uniformity. The leprechauns like access. We like to sell Guinness.”
“We just raised the floor and lower the ceiling for a week or so. The entire episode should be interesting with Colorado’s new tolerance for pot,” laughed one bartender. “Imagine a lot of high little folk wandering around, free of bag-of-gold commitments on this grand day. (Papal dispensation and all).
The federal grant specifically forbids the smoking of marijuana while “operating relief mechanisms and satellite accommodations in small rooms” which could mean seeing a man about a horse of a different color.
An article in this month’s American Latrine Magazine praises the Irish pub for what it calls social responsibility and kindness in welcoming the little foreigners who visit Colorado each year at about this time.
“Lowering urinals so as to accommodate out-of-town visitors (lady leprechauns will find thrones have been submerged and reduced in size for optimum comfort and accessibility) has gained a sort of international acclaim that can’t be bought. It gives the entire region a boost,” said the article.
“We just don’t want a lot of wee people peeing on their feet or missing the target,” said a source. “These little boozers can be terrible shots and use an ungodly amount of toilet paper.”
For many years O’Brien’s simply provided small stools for the faeries but other customers complained that they were far too easy to trip over in the dim light.
The Latrine article continued: “The sensitive management of O’Brien’s has once again raised the bar when it comes to cordial relations, human or otherwise.”
This gesture will not go unrewarded as droves of the little people begin arriving in the Southwest Colorado town in apprehension of the coming holiday. Others may flush the existence of the wee folk down the toilet but Ouray has taken aim to make them feel welcome.”
– Uncle Pahgre
