Barking Study Complete

(Norwood) A $ 1.2 million study aimed at determining why dogs bark has been deemed a huge success by sponsor, Dogland Bank (with lobbyist, Oral Noise (Unitarian-Ophir-Retired). The often tedious study, conducted with the assistance of over 4000 San Miguel County dogs, ran way over cost but took only six years to finish.

“At the end we were forced to drop some of the more bleeding-heart domestic programs and cut back on No Child Left Behind but we feel it was well worth it,” said Noise, a neoconic blue-blood and supporter of the New World Order agenda since World War II. “I can sleep a lot better knowing this data is now in the hands of our greatest scientists and the Agency of Canine Insecurities.”

A close aide then explained that the study was multi-faceted with phase one focused on exactly why dogs bark and phase two reaffirming all postulates from phase one and examining other canine audio options.

“After cross-referencing all data exhumed over the past years I am pleased to report, with unequivocal candor, that dogs bark because they enjoy the exercise…in other words they like to bark,” said the source. “That appears to be the undeniable truth: Over 90% of the drooling respondents agreed that no other viable options exist in that meowing and mooing are degrading while oinking and chirping make them feel silly,” yelped the spokesperson.

The entire study was conducted using sophisticated hand signals, pats on the head and small pieces of meat used as motivational devices throughout both phases of the information gathering. – Fred Zeppelin