All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Second Gnome Owners Asked to Clean Up After Pets
(Mt Crested Butte) Households currently hosting more than one gnome as pets on their property have been warned to police the area according to high government sources here. Second gnome owners, most of them part-time residents, have been under scrutiny of late with the current crisis approaching epidemic proportions.
“They really don’t eat that much,” said one second gnome owner from California who spends at least a week here in the summer. “We keep our pets under control most of the time but accidents do happen. It’s all quite natural.”
Authorities are most concerned with conspicuous or salient locales such as the access points to homes, parking lots, public walkways and prominent viewing areas. Controversial plans to install gnome scoops at every intersection from the gondola to the heavily fortified security gates at the entry to the community are being contested by environmentalist groups with a special session of the town council slated to meet Thursday night.
“This is not our problem,” stressed Svelte Cramer, a fifth-term councilman who moved to Crested Butte to find himself. “The second gnome owners knew they would have to settle the waste problem when they expanded their entourage. Sure, little gnomes look cute in the box or at the pet store but they grow up. They may be little fellas but they pack quite a punch,” he said.
Cramer went on to say that the average gnome lives to be at least 15 years-old and that, compiled daily, averages out to be quite a load on anyone involved. He, along with supporters on the legislative body is suggesting a whole new set of laws dictating proper health and beauty practices.
“It’s a matter of space, shrinking space, even up here, added the councilperson. “Diet, social norms, peer pressure and good example all come into play when we’re talking about training a gnome to take responsibility for his actions. Most of these pets want to please their owners. They must simply be shown the right path.”
Many residents here are turning to the European gnome which, in addition to being a bit smarter than the New World Lilliputian or the cheaper Wharf Dwarf model, common to the northwest central Southeastern Baltics. Although these Euro-dwarfs are more responsive and can be trained to use the indoor facilities in the pinch, they are often testy and can fly into fits of rage when provoked.
“They can be nasty, especially when crossed or cornered. It’s already damn well the Ides of March. We must nip this problem in the bud before spring run-off,” continued Cramer. “We can appreciate people wanting to have multiple pets for both companionship and security but they must take responsibility or the day will come when gnomes, like Shakespeare’s Dogs of Gothic, will be banned from the community.
“Back in the Seventies when the first pioneers arrived in this valley there was plenty of space to let it all hang out. Who cared back then if it was this tree or that one. Things are different now and we must decide on this matter by focusing on urban considerations,” lectured the councilperson.
In a related crisis, local leprechauns, in town for the spring holidays have complained of harassment by law enforcement officials. A contingent of about 100 of the wee people are expected to sit in on the aforementioned meeting this week.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
IRELAND JUST MILES AWAY FROM RESTING PLACE
(Malaga, Spain) The island nation of Ireland has been spotted off the coast of Spain this morning, traveling at the speed of 35 knots in the direction of Sardinia. Hibernians, long tired of proximity with Britain, kidnapped the island last year and began the epic float trip to the Mediterranean Sea.
These Celts insist that Ireland belongs in the Mediterranean near Italy, Greece, Spain and several African nations with which it shares a common heritage.
“When was the last time you saw an Irishman that acted like a German or a Swede,” asked Finbar Harahan, the wealthy financier in charge of the transport.
“We had a little trouble getting through the Straits of Gibraltar,” he said, “but that’s still run by the Brits and all.”
If all goes according to plan Ireland will anchor in northern Corsica before steaming off south to the Tyrrhenian Sea to an undisclosed spot donated by the alleged bastard off-spring of Napolean Bonaparte, who continue to live on the island of Elba, just off the coast of Tuscany.
O’Brien’s Lowers Urinals For Wee
Haute-Hydraulics Welcomes Leprechauns to Town
(Ouray) Urinals here will be substantially lower by the time the wee folk arrive to celebrate St Patrick’s Day on March 17. The unselfish plumbers and architects, taking on this porcelain proposition, have been at it again although this is the first year that the reconstruction will be conducted using state and federal funds.
“We wrote a grant proposal late one night last off-season and 90 days later got a check in the mail,” said a principle that sough anonymity. “Along with the check were specifics as to the general construction and materials preferred. The feds like all their johns to look and function the same. They like uniformity. The leprechauns like access. We like to sell Guinness.”
“We just raised the floor and lower the ceiling for a week or so. The entire episode should be interesting with Colorado’s new tolerance for pot,” laughed one bartender. “Imagine a lot of high little folk wandering around, free of bag-of-gold commitments on this grand day. (Papal dispensation and all).
The federal grant specifically forbids the smoking of marijuana while “operating relief mechanisms and satellite accommodations in small rooms” which could mean seeing a man about a horse of a different color.
An article in this month’s American Latrine Magazine praises the Irish pub for what it calls social responsibility and kindness in welcoming the little foreigners who visit Colorado each year at about this time.
“Lowering urinals so as to accommodate out-of-town visitors (lady leprechauns will find thrones have been submerged and reduced in size for optimum comfort and accessibility) has gained a sort of international acclaim that can’t be bought. It gives the entire region a boost,” said the article.
“We just don’t want a lot of wee people peeing on their feet or missing the target,” said a source. “These little boozers can be terrible shots and use an ungodly amount of toilet paper.”
For many years O’Brien’s simply provided small stools for the faeries but other customers complained that they were far too easy to trip over in the dim light.
The Latrine article continued: “The sensitive management of O’Brien’s has once again raised the bar when it comes to cordial relations, human or otherwise.”
This gesture will not go unrewarded as droves of the little people begin arriving in the Southwest Colorado town in apprehension of the coming holiday. Others may flush the existence of the wee folk down the toilet but Ouray has taken aim to make them feel welcome.”
– Uncle Pahgre
The Greatest Movies of All Time
by Paddy O’Flynn, self-induced film critic
1. The Commitments
2. Waking Ned Devine
3. My Left Foot
4. Angels With Dirty Faces
5. The Secret of Roan Inish
6. The Nephew
7. The Quiet Man
8. Finian’s Rainbow
9. Michael Collins
10. Borstal Boy
11. The Bells of St Mary’s
12. Ned Kelly
13. In the Name of the Father
14. The Plow and the Stars
15. Da
16. Darby O’Gill and the Little People
17. When Brendan Met Bridget
continued on page 45
Ghost of Jim Morrison Returns
(Jack’s Cabin) The ghost of rock and roll legend Jim Morrison is back in Colorado, according to residents here who claim to have spoken with the popular icon. The lyrical spook has apparently mingled on Elk and even stopped to wet his whistle in the town’s bucket shops.
“Why the surprise? Crested Butte has been the destination spot for a host of questionable characters since the 1800s,” said a town source. “We’ve hosted gunslingers and ginslingers, tramp miners and trollops, evangelists and gypsies, party girls and cowpunchers, but it has only been within the past ten years that celebrity ghosts have discovered the place.”
The town, as readers will no doubt recall, received national notoriety in the 1970s due to the ridiculously high incidence of UFO sightings. In addition teams of parapsychologists have verified the presence of a lingering spirit world alive and well in many of the town’s historic landmarks.
“So far not one of these visitors has caused problems, although most of the extraterrestrials tend to drink too much,” continued the source, “and the ghosts don’t seem to drink at all. Right now we’re trying to communicate and share information with both control groups.”
One minor setback is that neither of these visitors, including the likes of Morrison, spends any money. According to CBMR statistics they don’t stay in hotels or buy life tickets. They can just be on the mountain all day, unencumbered by the laws of a physical world and the restrictions of distance and space.
“That doesn’t make them cheap. It makes them frugal,” laughed our spokesperson. “There are lots of vitamins in pizza and coke.”
Resort personnel expect that a new marketing scheme will be implemented, focusing on the plethora of recreational opportunities available here.
“If we can simply tap into this endless stream of visitors we might never see an off-season again,” said a chamber release. “We feel that package deals for these people is feasible by next year.”
Meanwhile, a slated concert by Morrison at the Center for the Arts is on hold until negotiations can be resumed or living members of the Doors, Morrison’s band, can be contacted.
“Jim has been rather illusive when it comes to making a commitment but we do have a slew of hot digital, electronic polka bands scheduled for March. -Warren of Wexley
MUD SLIDE ENDS MARTIAN PROBE
(Houston) NASA officials today admitted that a massive mud slide has interrupted scanning efforts on the Red Planet. Probes sent to examine the planet’s surface have reportedly been bogged down just west of the Noonday Gulf.
The mud slide appears to have been generated by hordes of astronauts trampling across the Sea of Venus in search of the Seven Cities of Gold. The space travelers, the gold and, up till now, the mud slide, had been kept secret due to “considerable national security considerations of national security”.
“Well the cat’s out now,” said Melvin Toolier, former Aquitaine bull rider great and the recognized inventor of the automotive hair bag. “Now all those loonies on the tax and voter registration rolls will know about alien space ship visits, celebrity wardrobe malfunctions, human abductions, Schiaparelli’s Canals, Cher’s grade school romances and green cheese on our own moon. The next thing you know the public will believe that the Warren Commission was nothing more than a peaceful, grassy knoll.”
Most astronomers do not believe that intelligent life exists on Mars, but do think plants exists there. Until last year scientists had collected no data on minerals or soil specimens.
“Getting back to the mud,” started Toole, “it’s just about everywhere. We suspect that latent polar ice caps may have been the culprit and ancient timber cutting may have created serious erosion.”
Toole was not clear as to who may have been at the bottom of the deforestation or if what appears to be brown, faded Martian Forest Service signs actually indicate attempts at land management.
A combined Russian-American astral backhoe team is expected to arrive on the Red Planet Friday unless they drink too much vodka the night before. With any luck the mud slide can be mucked out before Martian tourist season.
In a related development, bellied sources at the Navel Observatory in Washington confirmed the second sighting of a massive meteor headed straight for earth. The metallic matter, which is thought to have originated between Deimos and Phobos (the moons of Mars) is on a collision course with Disney World.
“We expect the meteor to hit Florida on the night of June 12 which gives people ample time to expand coinciding vacation options,” said Toole from a repaired statement. “After that we just don’t know.” – Suzie Compost
