All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
The Greatest Movies of All Time
by Paddy O’Flynn, self-induced film critic
1. The Commitments
2. Waking Ned Devine
3. My Left Foot
4. Angels With Dirty Faces
5. The Secret of Roan Inish
6. The Nephew
7. The Quiet Man
8. Finian’s Rainbow
9. Michael Collins
10. Borstal Boy
11. The Bells of St Mary’s
12. Ned Kelly
13. In the Name of the Father
14. The Plow and the Stars
15. Da
16. Darby O’Gill and the Little People
17. When Brendan Met Bridget
continued on page 45
Ghost of Jim Morrison Returns
(Jack’s Cabin) The ghost of rock and roll legend Jim Morrison is back in Colorado, according to residents here who claim to have spoken with the popular icon. The lyrical spook has apparently mingled on Elk and even stopped to wet his whistle in the town’s bucket shops.
“Why the surprise? Crested Butte has been the destination spot for a host of questionable characters since the 1800s,” said a town source. “We’ve hosted gunslingers and ginslingers, tramp miners and trollops, evangelists and gypsies, party girls and cowpunchers, but it has only been within the past ten years that celebrity ghosts have discovered the place.”
The town, as readers will no doubt recall, received national notoriety in the 1970s due to the ridiculously high incidence of UFO sightings. In addition teams of parapsychologists have verified the presence of a lingering spirit world alive and well in many of the town’s historic landmarks.
“So far not one of these visitors has caused problems, although most of the extraterrestrials tend to drink too much,” continued the source, “and the ghosts don’t seem to drink at all. Right now we’re trying to communicate and share information with both control groups.”
One minor setback is that neither of these visitors, including the likes of Morrison, spends any money. According to CBMR statistics they don’t stay in hotels or buy life tickets. They can just be on the mountain all day, unencumbered by the laws of a physical world and the restrictions of distance and space.
“That doesn’t make them cheap. It makes them frugal,” laughed our spokesperson. “There are lots of vitamins in pizza and coke.”
Resort personnel expect that a new marketing scheme will be implemented, focusing on the plethora of recreational opportunities available here.
“If we can simply tap into this endless stream of visitors we might never see an off-season again,” said a chamber release. “We feel that package deals for these people is feasible by next year.”
Meanwhile, a slated concert by Morrison at the Center for the Arts is on hold until negotiations can be resumed or living members of the Doors, Morrison’s band, can be contacted.
“Jim has been rather illusive when it comes to making a commitment but we do have a slew of hot digital, electronic polka bands scheduled for March. -Warren of Wexley
MUD SLIDE ENDS MARTIAN PROBE
(Houston) NASA officials today admitted that a massive mud slide has interrupted scanning efforts on the Red Planet. Probes sent to examine the planet’s surface have reportedly been bogged down just west of the Noonday Gulf.
The mud slide appears to have been generated by hordes of astronauts trampling across the Sea of Venus in search of the Seven Cities of Gold. The space travelers, the gold and, up till now, the mud slide, had been kept secret due to “considerable national security considerations of national security”.
“Well the cat’s out now,” said Melvin Toolier, former Aquitaine bull rider great and the recognized inventor of the automotive hair bag. “Now all those loonies on the tax and voter registration rolls will know about alien space ship visits, celebrity wardrobe malfunctions, human abductions, Schiaparelli’s Canals, Cher’s grade school romances and green cheese on our own moon. The next thing you know the public will believe that the Warren Commission was nothing more than a peaceful, grassy knoll.”
Most astronomers do not believe that intelligent life exists on Mars, but do think plants exists there. Until last year scientists had collected no data on minerals or soil specimens.
“Getting back to the mud,” started Toole, “it’s just about everywhere. We suspect that latent polar ice caps may have been the culprit and ancient timber cutting may have created serious erosion.”
Toole was not clear as to who may have been at the bottom of the deforestation or if what appears to be brown, faded Martian Forest Service signs actually indicate attempts at land management.
A combined Russian-American astral backhoe team is expected to arrive on the Red Planet Friday unless they drink too much vodka the night before. With any luck the mud slide can be mucked out before Martian tourist season.
In a related development, bellied sources at the Navel Observatory in Washington confirmed the second sighting of a massive meteor headed straight for earth. The metallic matter, which is thought to have originated between Deimos and Phobos (the moons of Mars) is on a collision course with Disney World.
“We expect the meteor to hit Florida on the night of June 12 which gives people ample time to expand coinciding vacation options,” said Toole from a repaired statement. “After that we just don’t know.” – Suzie Compost
Postcards: Last Dollar Road Storm
Winter makes another visit to Dallas Divide
Power Surges Plague Elderly
(Montrose) A recent jump in power surges is the result of increased inactivity and an embrace of the sedentary lifestyle says a noted physician. According to Dr. Simone Lackluster, stacked up idle hours sooner or later add up to a major discharge of displaced energy. Speaking at the Armenian Association Symposium for the Tone Deaf, Lackluster further focused his conjectures and postulates saying that the elderly (and those who think they are elderly) were particularly at risk in this arena.
“Older people tend to remain inactive more than the general population as a hole,” quipped the doctor. “Then, when a given situation demands action they jump, on again, off again, herky jerky, up and down, in and out in a here-today-gone-tomorrow performance that not only creates undue stress but often results in hamstring and groin injuries.”
One 87-year-old colleague tells us that his power surges often come in the afternoon but usually after a workout or bike ride. “This Lackluster might know his groins but he doesn’t have a clue as to my power surges,” he spat.
Another medical spokesperson agreed, saying Lackluster is an idiot.
“Imagine the inside of this doctor’s head as a cranial hydroelectric plant,” he offered. “Now imagine an ice storm slamming into his frontal lumbar region and dripping out through his ears. The results are galvanizing.” Our elderly source, demanding that he remain an agronomist, confirmed that Lackluster had suffered voltage disturbances in the nursery when a sadistic nurse dropped him on his head as punishment for wetting his diaper. The nurse, whom he later married, was never brought to justice.
“Admittedly we are forced to rely on some questionable witnesses in these stories,” said an under-editor at The Horseshoe. “C’mon, we can’t check out every source. That would be ridiculously time consuming. Next you’ll expect us to proof read this mess.” San Miguel Power, the local electric company that has been unfairly implicated in the surges, suggests that people unplug appliances when they feel a surge building.
“Look up at the sky. If it looks like a big snow is on the way unplug your appliances,” says the handy brochure I received with my bill last month. “Then plug them back in when the sun comes out. If you need the use of appliances during extended storms try a generator.
February Tip: Save on eclectic bills by keeping doors and windows closed during the winter.” For a related piece turn to Candle Sales Through the Roof later on “Frog Legs and Butter”
