Local Man admits to Packer slayings

(Tumble Creek) Roscoe Lovinggood, 99, has admitted to the slayings of his companions and to cannibalism during a gold seeking venture near Lake City in 1874. Taking “full responsibility” for these notorious acts, for decades blamed on Alferd Packer, Lovinggood said he shot Israel Swan and George Noon in self-defense and later gunned down Shannon Bell, James Humphrey and Frank Miller in a rear-guard action following the trios’ objections to his bloody behavior.

Local police remain skeptical since Lovinggood’s age does not match up with the admissions and that he has a history of taking responsibility for other lawless behavior, including the murder of William Julius Barney outside Telluride’s Smuggler Mine in 1902, and for the sinking of the Titanic in 1912.

“While his connection with the Titanic is mathematically feasible, he would have been 4-years-old at the time of the disaster and not a likely suspect,” said one investigating officer. “Besides that foul play was never a consideration in the sinking of the ocean liner. The other two events, however, happened before 1908, his legal date of birth, and therefore must be discounted,” he smirked.

Due to repeated demands that he be taken seriously on this matter, Lovinggood spent one night in the Crested Butte dog pound compliments of the local police force. He remains on limited probation and a fixed income as of this morning.

– Small Mouth Bess