All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
People who reject underwear live longer – report
(Lake San Cristobal) People who don’t wear underwear live an average of five more years than those who regularly don the restrictive apparel, a three-year study says. Whether it’s the underwear itself or simply the thought of another layer of clothing, those who embrace skivvies seem at a greater risk of heart attack, stroke and even the common cold.
“Quite frankly we were surprised at the results, “said Olga Droors, a former underwear manufacturer who once thought design could conquer all. “We came up with wild and slutty fashion and the results remained the same. It’s all about comfort and people who spend the day out of constraint create less stress and fewer uptight moments.”
Droors added that she was not thrilled with the results of the report since it affected her professional life but agreed that today’s population had spoken.
“Where this leaves the multitude of underwear makers and this employees is anyone’s guess. Principles here say that enough people will continue to wear underwear to avert an economic collapse in that sector,” she said.
“Is this just some kind of twisted free expression or a valid fashion statement?” asked Velour Campbell, a lingerie designer who has embraced Nascar and ice hockey in his themes.
“I don’t expect the whole industry to come crashing down just because some minimalists decide to go au natural,” he gulped.
How this will affect the concept of wearing clean underwear in case one gets into a wreck or is arrested was not clear at press time.
The study, which admits to a 30% error factor upfront, was conducted at night at a nude beach during a Victoria’s Secret (the Wal-Mart of sexy underwear) fashion show.
– Signelle de Bushe
WENDY PREGNANT, RESTAURANT CLOSED
(Montrose) The local Wendy’s Restaurant will be closed indefinitely due to the surprise pregnancy of its pig-tailed owner. The freckle-faced slut was not available for comment. Sources here are suggesting just who the father might be.
“It’s very, very difficult to say who she has been with over the winter,” said a fry cook who claims to have been out of town since December.
Conjecture has it that the father is either the Burger King, Col. Sanders or Ronald McDonald. Since Wendy is a minor all or some of the suspected daddies could face criminal charges.
GREYHOUND HYDROPLANES, TWO INJURED
(Colorado Springs) Heavy rains made for dangerous conditions at the Garden of the Gods Dog Track Saturday as one participant, a three-year-old canine named Lizzy, lost her footing in a puddle and subsequently hydroplaned, spinning around helplessly and finally landing against a wall. She was treated and released at St Roscoe’s Veterinary Hospital following the accident.
Two dog racing enthusiasts, Timothy Foltz of Ignacio, and Mondo Carmen of Los Angeles were injured in unrelated incidents. Neither were wearing seat belts or safety helmets. Foltz fell seven stories from the top of the stands after attempting to catch a fowl ball and Carmen pulled a hamstring muscle while eating a plate of stuffed eggplant. Both were kept overnight for observation.
Motorists are warned to take precautions when driving in snow and rain. Most drivers, according to Highway Patrol sources, would be far safer in a canoe than on the road.
One sad note: If you were planning to bet on the 2014 Kentucky Derby it’s too late since the legendary race took place back on May 3.
“I am most at peace living in a community where I can just run down to the corner and pick up a tub of civiche.” – Small Mouth Bess
Man on the Moon Mere Flimflam
(Houston) NASA today admitted that the 1969 landing of astronauts on the Moon was no more than an evil hoax meant to dupe the American public and distract the nation from the ongoing Vietnam War. In a lengthy statement the space administration acknowledged that the entire event was staged right down to specimens brought back.
“The whole deal was shot near Grand Junction, Colorado, out in the Stinking Desert,” said one NASA source. “We didn’t figure that so many people would be watching and well…things kind of got out of control.”
Apparently NASA, encouraged by the public’s willingness to be hoodwinked by the gov’ment got carried away and started making outrageous claims and taking credit for such a stunning victory in Outer Space.
“Even the Russians believed us,” said the source.
Coming clean on the grounds that they would not be prosecuted engineers and technicians here expressed relief that the secret lie had now become public.
“Besides,” said NASA, “everyone working on that operation has retired and the statute of limitations has run out. We suggest that Americans just laugh it off as a bad joke and go see a Star Trek movie or two.” – Small Mouth Bess
MANY EASTER EGGS STILL UNACCOUNTED FOR
(Montrose) More than a month after a massive search and seizure operation nationwide, many Easter eggs remain missing. This chilling information has surfaced amid the official gov’ment position that all of the brightly colored eggs have been located and are in custody at press time.
Of the more than 4.3 billion eggs estimated to have been hidden in the United States alone on the Saturday before Easter, an impressive 4 billion have been recovered, mostly by small children, leaving roughly 3 million listed as missing in action. Gov’ment sources would neither confirm or deny details gathered and placed at their feet. None would return phone calls as of the weekend.
“What we have here is an attempted cover-up, an evil game of hide and seek,” said citizen’s advocate Bertie Libb, known more for her rosy red hair and bottle blonde complexion than for her ability to count. “Despite vacancies at all levels we will continue to embrace the Bill of Rights and freedom.”
That document, one of the American artifacts falling victim to Patriot Act looters of late, has been attributed to the stinging pen of the Easter Bunny, a known megalomaniac and member of the Rhode Island Communist Party. He is reportedly being held in a black and white room at the Guantanamo Gulag awaiting trial on charges of shop lifting, loitering, treason and littering.
“He tried to vote for Al Gore in 2000,” said a former supporter who now heads up the Pea Green Homeland Security Agency. “Terrorism comes in all shapes and colors. We must be ready to defend our freedoms from people who disagree with us.”
Gov’ment officials prefer to use the term undetermined when dealing with eggs, as well as civilian battlefield casualties, because more and more Americans cannot do simple math.
“Why hit them with staggering figures on the evening news and ruin their supper,” said Tish Taskett, former Ambassador to Kuwait. “Undetermined is a softer, more gentle approach to calculations that will only be forgotten when tangled up with the real life interaction common to the evening’s popular sit-coms.
Critics of the Easter Egg hunt say it’s just an attempt to divert the nation from a top-heavy, crumbling economy.
“Accusations that the Easter Bunny has links to rodent groups is poppycock,” said Libb. “Sure he dated Yassar Arafat’s younger sister but that was bak in the Eighties and certainly doesn’t dictate his politics. It’s the whistle blowing over Wall Street scandals that has gotten his cotton tail in hock. By the time he gets out of jail he’ll be one old rabbit.”
Security forces have promised to kick down doors from California to Maine in search of the missing eggs.
In a related piece the entire Democratic wing of the United States Congress has also been reported missing since the War on Terror was stepped up following the 9/11 attacks. According to surviving pages in the Senate, the Democrats are keeping their collective heads down so as to avoid fall-out from manufactured public opinion and claims of glorious victories over world terrorism.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
