All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Man on the Moon Mere Flimflam
(Houston) NASA today admitted that the 1969 landing of astronauts on the Moon was no more than an evil hoax meant to dupe the American public and distract the nation from the ongoing Vietnam War. In a lengthy statement the space administration acknowledged that the entire event was staged right down to specimens brought back.
“The whole deal was shot near Grand Junction, Colorado, out in the Stinking Desert,” said one NASA source. “We didn’t figure that so many people would be watching and well…things kind of got out of control.”
Apparently NASA, encouraged by the public’s willingness to be hoodwinked by the gov’ment got carried away and started making outrageous claims and taking credit for such a stunning victory in Outer Space.
“Even the Russians believed us,” said the source.
Coming clean on the grounds that they would not be prosecuted engineers and technicians here expressed relief that the secret lie had now become public.
“Besides,” said NASA, “everyone working on that operation has retired and the statute of limitations has run out. We suggest that Americans just laugh it off as a bad joke and go see a Star Trek movie or two.” – Small Mouth Bess
MANY EASTER EGGS STILL UNACCOUNTED FOR
(Montrose) More than a month after a massive search and seizure operation nationwide, many Easter eggs remain missing. This chilling information has surfaced amid the official gov’ment position that all of the brightly colored eggs have been located and are in custody at press time.
Of the more than 4.3 billion eggs estimated to have been hidden in the United States alone on the Saturday before Easter, an impressive 4 billion have been recovered, mostly by small children, leaving roughly 3 million listed as missing in action. Gov’ment sources would neither confirm or deny details gathered and placed at their feet. None would return phone calls as of the weekend.
“What we have here is an attempted cover-up, an evil game of hide and seek,” said citizen’s advocate Bertie Libb, known more for her rosy red hair and bottle blonde complexion than for her ability to count. “Despite vacancies at all levels we will continue to embrace the Bill of Rights and freedom.”
That document, one of the American artifacts falling victim to Patriot Act looters of late, has been attributed to the stinging pen of the Easter Bunny, a known megalomaniac and member of the Rhode Island Communist Party. He is reportedly being held in a black and white room at the Guantanamo Gulag awaiting trial on charges of shop lifting, loitering, treason and littering.
“He tried to vote for Al Gore in 2000,” said a former supporter who now heads up the Pea Green Homeland Security Agency. “Terrorism comes in all shapes and colors. We must be ready to defend our freedoms from people who disagree with us.”
Gov’ment officials prefer to use the term undetermined when dealing with eggs, as well as civilian battlefield casualties, because more and more Americans cannot do simple math.
“Why hit them with staggering figures on the evening news and ruin their supper,” said Tish Taskett, former Ambassador to Kuwait. “Undetermined is a softer, more gentle approach to calculations that will only be forgotten when tangled up with the real life interaction common to the evening’s popular sit-coms.
Critics of the Easter Egg hunt say it’s just an attempt to divert the nation from a top-heavy, crumbling economy.
“Accusations that the Easter Bunny has links to rodent groups is poppycock,” said Libb. “Sure he dated Yassar Arafat’s younger sister but that was bak in the Eighties and certainly doesn’t dictate his politics. It’s the whistle blowing over Wall Street scandals that has gotten his cotton tail in hock. By the time he gets out of jail he’ll be one old rabbit.”
Security forces have promised to kick down doors from California to Maine in search of the missing eggs.
In a related piece the entire Democratic wing of the United States Congress has also been reported missing since the War on Terror was stepped up following the 9/11 attacks. According to surviving pages in the Senate, the Democrats are keeping their collective heads down so as to avoid fall-out from manufactured public opinion and claims of glorious victories over world terrorism.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
No “Day in the Park” in Ouray for summer
Summer is taking its time once again this year…
POACHING RAMPANT IN SENIOR SET
(Montrose) Incidents of poaching have reached epidemic proportions here according to behavioral scientists at the world renowned Pea Green Academy. Researchers expect matters to get even worse with the arrival of cold weather to the Rockies.
“One only has to look at the daily supplies in our grocery stores to realize that something is wrong,” winced one scientist who prefers his eggs cooked over-easy with a side of home fries. “These perpetrators think they have a right to poach at will. Most of the hard-boiled element won’t even consider legal channels such as the scrambled version or the more organic raw egg, right out of the shell.”
Local henboys agree that a few bad eggs often spoil it for everyone else but add that as long as the guilty get off with “just a slap on the hand” the problem will continue to grow. They alluded to a group of indicted poachers strutting around their cells like Bantam Roosters just prior to a preliminary hearing on Wednesday.
“One has to consider the fact that the older poachers cannot chew that well and the poached version makes for a far more pleasant morning meal,” said citizen’s advocate Henrietta Perdue of the National Association for the Advancement of Chickens and Poultry (NAACP). “If one really wants to get to the root of the problem he must look beyond the feathers. It’s all supply and demand! Don’t chastise the chicken farmers. The problem lies within the infrastructure here in our cities and towns.”
Perdue claims that if seniors did not desire poached eggs there would be no profit in chicken ranching and this contraband would disappear from circulation in a matter of months. An ardent follower of Pol Pot, Perdue’s other solution is to force all the seniors, as well as the chickens, from the cities out into the rural parts of the country for reeducation.
-Rocky Flats
Barking Study Complete
(Norwood) A $ 1.2 million study aimed at determining why dogs bark has been deemed a huge success by sponsor, Dogland Bank (with lobbyist, Oral Noise (Unitarian-Ophir-Retired). The often tedious study, conducted with the assistance of over 4000 San Miguel County dogs, ran way over cost but took only six years to finish.
“At the end we were forced to drop some of the more bleeding-heart domestic programs and cut back on No Child Left Behind but we feel it was well worth it,” said Noise, a neoconic blue-blood and supporter of the New World Order agenda since World War II. “I can sleep a lot better knowing this data is now in the hands of our greatest scientists and the Agency of Canine Insecurities.”
A close aide then explained that the study was multi-faceted with phase one focused on exactly why dogs bark and phase two reaffirming all postulates from phase one and examining other canine audio options.
“After cross-referencing all data exhumed over the past years I am pleased to report, with unequivocal candor, that dogs bark because they enjoy the exercise…in other words they like to bark,” said the source. “That appears to be the undeniable truth: Over 90% of the drooling respondents agreed that no other viable options exist in that meowing and mooing are degrading while oinking and chirping make them feel silly,” yelped the spokesperson.
The entire study was conducted using sophisticated hand signals, pats on the head and small pieces of meat used as motivational devices throughout both phases of the information gathering. – Fred Zeppelin
