All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Observations of Colorado by the “Juneau What”
Sand Dunes National Park
Whether you’re hoity toity or hoi polloi you’ll like these shorties…
Wardrobe Malfunction Sinks Cruz
(Denver) While aides call the much publicized tit slip by a Texas Congressman “an embarrassing accident, commentaries from Bellingham to Key West are suggesting another motivation altogether.
Ted Cruz, (R-TX) had just finished his speech Friday night and was departing the stage when his tie and shirt became snarled exposing a little too much for the conservative, religious audience. In seconds Cruz, in an aborted attempt to right the situation, exposed an estimated three inches of chest skin and at least one bosom.
“The entire tit thing was just an attempt to distract his audience from the fact that in two hours he didn’t say anything useful or worthwhile,” said a fallen away Republican now working as a translator for the Libertarian Party. “Did anyone else notice that his tongue was hanging out of his mouth too?”
Supporters of Cruz say the incident just points to the human side of their candidate. They added that no major changes in wardrobe or perception are planned. Meanwhile Cruz blamed the entire incident on Obamacare.
Arizona Gains Failed Nation Status
The Grand Canyon state today received notification that it would be classified as a Failed Nation even though it is in reality just a large state. The demotion, as it were, appears linked to stumblebum politics and the fact that without air-conditioning, hoards of new arrivals could live in the high population spots. The Grand Experiment Has Failed! Everyone back to Ohio and Michigan now!
Experts agree that too many people from other places have relocated to the state of late bringing with them mounds of tired baggage from California and the Midwest.
Recent policies on everything from immigration to Daylight Savings Time have turned what used to be a healthy maverick into a haven for the crooked and confused. Isn’t it just charming that so many of the houses in Scottsdale and Cave Creek are all done up in cookie-cutter Spanish-Mexican motif while most of the Latinos live on the West side in less than captivating trailers. Probably because they are all lazy.
Lowering Legal Drinking Age Sticky Fiscal Policy
While most economists agree that dropping the legal drinking age to eleven would help jumpstart the economy, politicians are eyeballing the polls prior to a House vote Tuesday.
After a 90-day study, three independent panels concluded that allowing children to legally partake of alcoholic beverages would bump the tax coffers by billions of dollars in new revenue.
Insiders shouted down proposals from outsiders. People fidgeted in their seats. Coffee was served. Then everyone went home to practice campaigning in the mirror.
Sources on Capital Hill discounted estimates that the new loosening of restrictions would pay off the national debt.
“That’s a lot of money,” laughed one senator.
“Dropping the drinking age to 11 could pay off the national debt in weeks
says a leading TV pop-sociologist, Dr Marvin T. Fogy BFD. “I’ve done the math. Even when dealing with untested control groups we can predict quantitative behavior in a matter of mega-seconds, employing cloud reading in the sky at dusk. If 11 is a little early …maybe 14?”
Meanwhile corporate interests watch the drama unfold knowing that they will not have to change massive marketing plans so as to brainwash a new generation of drinkers.
“Our TV ads have always been aimed at 12-year-olds and not necessarily the brightest of that grouping,” said an industry spokesman. “There’s not much we can do now but sit back and let our lobbyists do their magic.”
Hungry Mountain Men Attack Boar’s Head Truck
(Guston) Desperate, starving mountain men, accustomed to eating roots and berries like the bears,ambushed a Boar’s Head cold cut delivery truck Friday morning devouring its contents in less than an hour.
Furloughed snowplow drivers, arriving on the scene in the first few minutes after the heist, tell a tale of contentment, painting a buckskin-clad throng as peaceful and drowsy after the huge feed. Many of the moccasin men turned enthusiastic backwoods gobblers had eaten clean through the plastic wrapping and packaging foam that had covered the lunchmeat before the primitive dining ordeal.
“They were all sitting in a big circle finishing their plunder of rare roast beef, Black Forest ham an Gouda cheese.,” said one first responder. “They didn’t seem to notice our arrival but when police helicopters began arriving they quickly canned the buffet and dispersed.
The driver of the Boar’s Head truck, Slim Tinkleholland of Delta, was released unharmed.
“This is not the usual modus operandi of these bloodthirsty bands,” said Tinkleholland. “Far too often we find the victims of these sporadic assaults stripped of their belongings, scalped* and left for the wolves and carnivorous marmots. I don’t enjoy making this trek alone especially after dark.”
Rapid bands of rogue marauders enjoy targeting hapless tourists who are robbed and left to the elements, their RVs and autos parted out, their children seized for the burgeoning slave market in Santa Fe. Visitors are encouraged to carry firearms since a shot over the head can be enough to deter an attack. Hollow point ammunition, designed to penetrate the tough deerskin armor preferred by these coonskin assailants is readily available on both sides of the pass. It is recommended by law enforcement agencies.
“A protective poodle or pekingese won’t be of much help in the heat of battle,” said one sheriff’s deputy. “We suggest a heavy arsenal which might include grenades, surface-to-air missiles and even a drone if you got one. Tanks are nice too.
“One might expect these ravenous bumpkins to scurry off at the first sight of modern man but most just say along the roadway gorging themselves,” said one Arizona motorist who filmed most of the exchange before being driven off by a volley of bullets fired by local militia. “They resembled a pride of lions after a kill.”
Sources at the corporate offices of the lunchmeat concern say they have no intention of pressing charges against the usurpers who they say are simply caught up in another time and not entirely to blame for their actions.
“They have no beaver and most of the land is either private or federal which leaves these brave frontiersmen no place to go and nothing much to eat.”
Boar’s head plans to shoot a series of commercials spotlighting the plight of these nomadic mountain men while showcasing a new line of bison salami expected on the shelves by Christmas.
*A European practice taught to the native tribes in North America by French and English trappers.
Rocky Mountain Mammaries
Flunking real estate test lead to life of crime for Butch Cassidy
The 1880s in San Miguel County offered few employment options. One could work the mines, teach school or engage in some level of ranching. All were low paying, backbreaking endeavors. It’s not like that around here any more since residents can now work in the ski industry, hump tables or drive tourist buses around in circles. Opportunity and the lack of it has always forced people to look elsewhere for their living…geographically and by jumping into new careers for survival.
Back in those days, when people like Butch Cassidy roamed the badlands and prowled the streets, there was an immediacy resting on one’s shoulder and a thin line between right and wrong. A feeling that if a person did not succeed today his chances may dwindle, even vanish. One had to strike when the iron was hot or make hay while the sun shone.
Such was the reality. Frustrated by the economics of boom and bust and prices dictated by the powers back east, Cassidy, going by the name of Pull Newman, had studied day and night for the real estate exam. He had digested the terminology, the math, the code of ethics and, despite the fact that he read at a fourth grade level, he and other members of the Wild Bunch were sure he’s get his license and could terminate his fledgling life of crime.
“Butch would have been a welcome addition to the emerging real estate community,” said Kid Curry, once the proprietor of Calcutta’s Beef and Jigger, a popular Indian spot near Dallas Divide. “He followed a strict, if tweaked, sense of morality and never faltered from it or backed down from a fight.”
Another associate of the would-be outlaw, The Sundrenched Kid agreed.
“We planned to list the Hole in the Wall over in Utah with Butch as soon as he passed the test,” he explained. “It made sense to jack the price about 40% with all the traffic from the east. Besides, the existing realtors could not even find the place with a map. How would they ever show it?”
As the big day came Butch, who had been a serious student for the past two months showed up with his #2 pencils and lunch. The food was the high point of the day. Halfway through an eggplant sandwich he realized his goose was cooked. The exam got away from him like a greasy breakfast after a night in the bottle. Butch just sat there afraid to be the first one finished. He didn’t know any of the answers. What good had all the studying done when they asked the wrong questions? He scored as well as a a wounded jackrabbit playing blind man’s bluff with a pack of hungry coyotes. He went to the bar.
He whined to the bartender and anyone else in ear shot. He drank shots.
“Butch was not the type to talk about his problems which made me worry about him,” said Curry who had wandered into the same bar that afternoon. “He was normally so upbeat. He always had a plan.”
The two shared a few more drinks and then Curry voiced his current dilemma: He was losing his shorts at the Calcutta with all of the new entrepreneurs coming to town. The pie was sliced in too many pieces for anyone to profit and Curry did not have pockets deep enough to wait out this recent economic quagmire.
“Butch, have you ever thought about robbing a bank?” he asked Cassidy as the second bottle of whiskey arrived.
“No, but it can’t be that difficult,” he smiled.
It was then that the two gunmen started to talk about banking and gold and silver. When they stumbled out of the bar the gas lights of the Telluride Bank still burned. It was then that the plot was hatched.
“We’ll need a little more help and we can pull this off,” said Butch. “And to think I was going to go straight and play the puppet to all the rich who have no more right to the bank deposits than I do.”
After consulting with several colleagues the pair put the plan in motion. They would hit the bank early the next day then split up and meet at their prearranged hideout in Utah where they would divide the cash.
“If Butch would have just passed his damn real estate we would have saved a lot of misery and loss around here,” said Nora Pancake, the daughter of one of the bank tellers wounded during the crime spree.
“He might have been someone to admire instead of a cold-blooded outlaw and a bad example for others to follow.” – Ella Benedictine Rockefeller
