All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

COMBINED CANNING COMING

(From the back door of the Gunnison Times — November 13, 2014)
(Gunnison, CO) Sources at a plethora of state agencies say 2015 will see a combined canning season in Colorado. The increase in canners over the past five years has dictated the change.
“The number of canners here has increased from 18,498 to 29,488 since 2009, boasted Louella Hatchett of the State Canning Observatory in Parlin. “The days of separate seasons are all but over. It’s just too difficult to control the practice when undocumented people are coming out of the woodwork.”
The Colorado Division of Wildlife concurs, saying it will begin issuing combined canning licenses as early as May in an attempt to reel in rogue canners and vegetable hoarders. Canning related accidents and petty violations have risen almost 15% in five years.
“It’s time we screw down the lid and store the old practices for posterity,” continued Hatchett. “We intend to milk the out-of-staters so they don’t have any money to spend with local merchants who are just a bunch of privileged rich people who go on vacation every winter.”
Canners from all over the world descend on Colorado in the fall searching for erotic plants, magic mushrooms and edible rocks.
“Reloading has become a common practice since the invention of the henway in 2000,” she said. “We intend to get our piece of that pie as well.”
Since 1997 the SCO, in conjunction with the FDA, the DOW, the ATF, the EPA, the AEC, the MFT, the ACLU, the LBJ, and Homeland Security, has been tagging cans and monitoring health, breeding and migratory patterns of tomatoes and peppers.
“We’re reinvesting a good portion of the money collected to establish a strict regiment in dealing with an array of storage receptacles, just as we do with the king’s deer,” explained Hatchett. “So far our researchers have pumped $200,000 into the kitty to confirm that these canning devices are immune to disease, sterile and relatively immobile.” – Suzie Compost

Electoral college eyeballs Montrose

(Western Colorado — November 13, 2014)
The city of Montrose has been named as a possible site for a new electoral college, scheduled to begin classes as early as January. Thanks to a private grant the college will be built somewhere in rural Colorado. Since March a group of distinguished regents and provosts have been busy examining the pros and cons of each potential location.
After serious reservations, due to problems associated with a state college appointment here in the Fifties, and to the demise of the Colorado Mountain College that was once operated in Montrose, decision makers had feared that the city was academically hostile due to cultural biases and since it did not have a functional bookstore within the city limits.
Not just a commuter college, the new facility could accommodate up to 20,000 students once the dormitories are completed in 2015. Although nothing specific has been nailed down, future fathers of education and commerce seem intent on an eastside location, walking distance to the center of town.
The college will focus on political science, chemistry and hospitality coursework with a BA or BS in liberal arts or agricultural science. Athletic squads will be encouraged and competition with existing institutions could begin this fall.
Unreliable sources confirmed persistent rumors that the short list includes Cortez, Silverton and Maher as well as Montrose. Donors have chosen communities where an economic boost was most needed. At least twenty-five locales bid for consideration on the expansion of higher education. Other regional schools had little input at the final announcement, simply drooling at the prospect of another patsy on the gridiron.
– Hopper “Flash” Floode

Clouds bring much needed snow to Crested Butte

Clouds roll in with much needed snow on the horizon

People who look like their pets

It’s amazing that so many of us look like our pets. Is it longevity or is it magic? Above we see Melvin Toole with his friends Hardy, Pardy and Fardy, twin sons of a different mothers.

D.A. Skeptical in Tuna Case

Special to The Silverton Tramp Miner and Times
(Portland — October 26, 2014) The District Attorney Down East says testimony in the Charlie Tuna vs. Maine is misrepresentative, fishy and unfounded. Tuna, a washed up dorsal fin television celebrity from the 80s, has been charged with fraud and abandonment in contracted dealings with Star-Kist Inc., a local canning concern.
He is also expected to be indicted over an alleged breakout at Boothbay Harbor, a minimum security breeding farm housing over 2000 fish in a facility built for 1500.
“He just couldn’t go into that cold water anymore,” said a fellow inmate. “Seems he’d just lost his nerve. The luster was gone.”
While the hat, the shades and the slick talk were all Hollywood, Tuna was in reality a sensitive, cold-blooded fish that grew up on mean streets and got into trouble early. His early exit from a promising career as a spokesman for Star-Kist is only exemplary of his inability follow up on agreements and to hold a job for more than a few months, say relatives.
A Coast Guard source verified that Tuna would turn himself in to two lobstermen on Friday.
“Now that,” said the D.A., will be quite a trick.”
-Connor Sturgeon

Goose Season Opens Early

(Ridgway, CO October 26, 2014)
The Colorado Division of Wildlife has announced that the popular Goose Season will open earlier this year to avoid heavy snows forecasted for the Western Slope. Each license will be allowed 100 points, with senior hunters enjoying 125 points. Out-of-state hunters will be charged double for less or banned from the exercise outright.
Ouray and Montrose residents can legally operate on main arteries on Montrose, Ridgway and Olathe while Silverton inhabitants can operate anywhere. Grand Junction and Delta hunters are restricted to Mesa Mall and North Fork River drainage. Gunnison and Hinsdale folks will stay home and hunt up and down the respective valley, as well as Monarch and Slumgullion Passes.
Out of state goose enthusiasts are not allowed into incorporated villages and towns but must seek prey in the wilds and the backcountry. Their licenses are only good per day and must be renewed each morning.
Licenses issued to men are for females only while licenses sold to women are for males only. Evidence of sex is strictly enforced. Gay people must apply over the counter for expanded gender paperwork. In general blondes are rated at 20 points while redheads and brunettes demand 15 points. Over 65 years-old merits a thank you. For women, males with firm posteriors are worth 20 points (with the presence of surprise, 30 points). Over 1000 licenses have been sold to females for the male hunt compared to 745 for males for the counterpart. 18 and under is off limits for both classifications.
Every time a goose is applied the offensive party must exhibit his/her license. The State of Colorado is not responsible for and will not entertain complaints against face-slaps or other bodily injuries as the result of goosing. – Tommy Middlefinger