People who reject underwear live longer – report

(Lake San Cristobal) People who don’t wear underwear live an average of five more years than those who regularly don the restrictive apparel, a three-year study says. Whether it’s the underwear itself or simply the thought of another layer of clothing, those who embrace skivvies seem at a greater risk of heart attack, stroke and even the common cold.
“Quite frankly we were surprised at the results, “said Olga Droors, a former underwear manufacturer who once thought design could conquer all. “We came up with wild and slutty fashion and the results remained the same. It’s all about comfort and people who spend the day out of constraint create less stress and fewer uptight moments.”
Droors added that she was not thrilled with the results of the report since it affected her professional life but agreed that today’s population had spoken.
“Where this leaves the multitude of underwear makers and this employees is anyone’s guess. Principles here say that enough people will continue to wear underwear to avert an economic collapse in that sector,” she said.
“Is this just some kind of twisted free expression or a valid fashion statement?” asked Velour Campbell, a lingerie designer who has embraced Nascar and ice hockey in his themes.
“I don’t expect the whole industry to come crashing down just because some minimalists decide to go au natural,” he gulped.
How this will affect the concept of wearing clean underwear in case one gets into a wreck or is arrested was not clear at press time.
The study, which admits to a 30% error factor upfront, was conducted at night at a nude beach during a Victoria’s Secret (the Wal-Mart of sexy underwear) fashion show.

– Signelle de Bushe