LOCAL RANCHER SELLS OUT TO BOVINE INTEREST

(Montrose) A local ranch concern, determined not to sell land to developers, has sold its holdings to his cows. In quite a innovative move, the 800-acre site has been legally transferred to what lawyers equate as employees.
“One hears of companies selling out to its workers,” said Warren Glick of the lawfirm Mortsern, Hamill and Glick. “The Toole familyy has simply expanded that concept and have unloaded it on their cows. Sure, the animals don’t have any money of their own but with quiet transfers of funds, some storefront commerce, a few commodity exchanges and a bundle of tax free maneuvers a family that once could not afford new shoes is now living off the interest payments.”
The Melvin Toole family had been ranching in the Uncompahgre Valley for over a hundred years. Although as pioneers these hardy folk faced hardships and turmoil these didn’t seem to compare with the current financial situation. The temptation to deal off sacred holdings to suburb builders weighed heavy on their minds.
“We’d rather deal with a locusts or drought than the current market reality,” said Belle Toole from her redwood porch swing on Spring Creek Mesa. “You figure the math. We sell a chicken for a dime, some food brokerage cuts it up, packages it all nice, and sells it for five bucks. Now I didn’t shine at math,” she stressed, “but it don’t take an abacus to figure out who’s getting screwed.”
As a result of the current squeeze the Tooles no longer hold deed to their property but it’s still in the family, sort of.
“The principal stockholders (cows) have voted with their feet and hired my husband, Melvin, to be CEO of this place, said Ms Toole. “In essence he calls all the shots because he has the key to the haystack. As long as these investors get fed they don’t squawk. It’s an incredible parallel to what goes on at corporate board meetings all over the world.”
In addition to the convenience of a “home-owned” agricultural operation there are definite tax advantages in bovine-run ranches.
“Let the feds and the county determine visible assets in the herd,” said Toole. “Let the banker foreclose on a bunch of Herefords. Let them try. Unlike humans these animals have rights. We’d have the ASPCA, the Humane Society and a host of other animal protection groups on their butts before the sun went down for the day.”
Toole added that the cows seem to have a new found pride due to the transfer. She says unexcused absences have decreased and worker apathy is also on the down trend.
“We have suspended the time clock and pay overtime in vacation credits,” said Toole, and the cows seem happier, better adjusted than ever. It’s amazing what one can do with a little sharing, a little creative financing.”
In addition to operating their employee-owned ranch Mr. Toole makes asparagus accessories and Mrs. Toole runs a topless tiki bar at Colona. – Suzie Compost