All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Lease -A-Liver Opens in Delta

(Just for laughs? – Nov 28, 2014)
A spanking new business has opened its doors in downtown Delta at the former site of Ed’s Beds on Main Street. It’s Mel’s Lease-A-Liver! Although the ribbon cutting is not slated until November, the facility will begin taking applications for its services this week.
Strictly leasing and not renting these imperative, curious glands, the innovative service seeks to offset liver damage caused by any number of abuses.
“We are prepared to lease a customer a new or used liver for up to six months with a one month minimum,” said owner-operator, Melvin Toole. “When a client comes to our offices he chooses one of a dozen livers hanging from the ceiling. If he finds one that fits, he leaves his own liver as collateral, pays a deposit and signs an agreement saying he is responsible for its safe return.”
Toole said most people couldn’t destroy a healthy liver in six months, although some have tried and a few have succeeded. Alcohol abuse is the number one culprit although other factors, such as regular prescription drug use and simple aspirin can do irreparable damage.
Since 2009 Toole has been performing liver transplants in his dark, shoddy office underneath Maybell’s Bar on the river. Many locals see him as a witch or warlock but he says he’s just a regular guy trying to make a buck.
“We aim to undress every possible aspect of the classic metabolic process,” smiled Toole. “We have had much success with parallel treatment of blood flow disorders using maggots and leeches to do the real work.”
Only a few centuries back the leeching process was a principle means of dealing with an array of maladies and avoiding such final verdicts such as amputation, osteoarthritis and long drawn-out diagnosis leading nowhere.
“It was in vogue back in the 1800s,” smiled Toole. “In those days the gland supposed to be a seat of love and violent behavior. How far we’ve come.” – Muffy Hollandaise

Fur to play CB

(Crested Butte, CO – Nov 28, 2014) The controversial rock opera “Fur” will travel to Crested Butte in late December where it will play for four nights at the Center for the Arts. The socio-political drama, based on the radial street theater of the 60s, features tidbits from every social phenomenon common with that period of readjustment. But there’s no need to worry, anarchism will not get you since everything has returned to a safe and sterile 3.2 status in the United States of the 21st Century.
The play features naked animals, engaged in obscene dances and frivolous song,” said the Almont Pilot.
“Fur” is a banal portrayal of the free spirited life in the pumped up Sixties by people who have only been around since the Eighties,” said the Pilot. “It should be banned from the county at least until the tourists go home.”
The plot, if any exists, involves the plight of the hero, Smokey Bear, who, after ingesting a healthy dose of marijuana, attacks and eats three ditch whale snaggers near Yellowstoned Park. The action then shifts to a Brooklyn tenement house, a Hell’s Angels’ pancake breakfast, and finally to Nancy and Ronald Reagan’s second Inauguration in 1984.
One noted critic, who spoke on the condition that he would not be quoted, told the Horseshoe “Fur was recognized as a classic in muffled dialogue and lighting intertwined with the cutting edge use of minimal props and audience participation.”
 He has seen the play over 200 times in three years saying it was the best thing to come out of the animal kingdom since Cheetah.
Fur will be presented at Kochevars Ballroom on December 28 and 29 and at the Talk of the Town’s Little Theater on the 30 and 31.
– Harvey Birdseed

Famous quotes from the Ancient One:
“Nihil et bene cum trae sul vestra stricta!”
Translation: “Nothing goes right when your underwear’s too tight.”
“Primum wienorum”
Translation: “First among weenies.”

Obama Chose Biden For “Peace and Quiet”

Direct from the Democratic Natural Committee – November 13. 2014
Sources at the White House confirmed whispers that President Obama’s pick for Vice President, Joe Biden, was based more on comfort than practicality.
Obama apparently decided on Biden because he was chilled and minded his own business, say close aides who added that the assessment was pretty much right on and that the arrangement was common knowledge since the first convention.
“With all the stress associated with the position of Chief Executive nobody needs some hyper-active, chat-happy, know-it-all,” said Charlie Charles. “The calm, collect listener is rare in the annals of Irish politicians.”
Close friends say Biden is one of the most relaxed people in Washington.
“Sometimes we think he has dozed off and the next thing you know he moves his head or scratches his nose,” said a former intern.
Some days the entire White House staff takes a nap in Joe’s office and spills out onto the West Lawn, leaving diplomats and White House staff perplexed but often quite relaxed. Reportedly the only rule is: No talking.
“Imagine trying to get in a nap with Dick Cheney or Al Gore running around pushing their agenda. Nobody would get any sleep.” the intern continued.
Meanwhile, House Republicans blamed Obama for controversial early hit-the-sack parameters for junior/freshman representatives and, in some extreme cases, no bedtime stories or tuck-ins at all.
– Rex Montaleone

COMBINED CANNING COMING

(From the back door of the Gunnison Times — November 13, 2014)
(Gunnison, CO) Sources at a plethora of state agencies say 2015 will see a combined canning season in Colorado. The increase in canners over the past five years has dictated the change.
“The number of canners here has increased from 18,498 to 29,488 since 2009, boasted Louella Hatchett of the State Canning Observatory in Parlin. “The days of separate seasons are all but over. It’s just too difficult to control the practice when undocumented people are coming out of the woodwork.”
The Colorado Division of Wildlife concurs, saying it will begin issuing combined canning licenses as early as May in an attempt to reel in rogue canners and vegetable hoarders. Canning related accidents and petty violations have risen almost 15% in five years.
“It’s time we screw down the lid and store the old practices for posterity,” continued Hatchett. “We intend to milk the out-of-staters so they don’t have any money to spend with local merchants who are just a bunch of privileged rich people who go on vacation every winter.”
Canners from all over the world descend on Colorado in the fall searching for erotic plants, magic mushrooms and edible rocks.
“Reloading has become a common practice since the invention of the henway in 2000,” she said. “We intend to get our piece of that pie as well.”
Since 1997 the SCO, in conjunction with the FDA, the DOW, the ATF, the EPA, the AEC, the MFT, the ACLU, the LBJ, and Homeland Security, has been tagging cans and monitoring health, breeding and migratory patterns of tomatoes and peppers.
“We’re reinvesting a good portion of the money collected to establish a strict regiment in dealing with an array of storage receptacles, just as we do with the king’s deer,” explained Hatchett. “So far our researchers have pumped $200,000 into the kitty to confirm that these canning devices are immune to disease, sterile and relatively immobile.” – Suzie Compost

Electoral college eyeballs Montrose

(Western Colorado — November 13, 2014)
The city of Montrose has been named as a possible site for a new electoral college, scheduled to begin classes as early as January. Thanks to a private grant the college will be built somewhere in rural Colorado. Since March a group of distinguished regents and provosts have been busy examining the pros and cons of each potential location.
After serious reservations, due to problems associated with a state college appointment here in the Fifties, and to the demise of the Colorado Mountain College that was once operated in Montrose, decision makers had feared that the city was academically hostile due to cultural biases and since it did not have a functional bookstore within the city limits.
Not just a commuter college, the new facility could accommodate up to 20,000 students once the dormitories are completed in 2015. Although nothing specific has been nailed down, future fathers of education and commerce seem intent on an eastside location, walking distance to the center of town.
The college will focus on political science, chemistry and hospitality coursework with a BA or BS in liberal arts or agricultural science. Athletic squads will be encouraged and competition with existing institutions could begin this fall.
Unreliable sources confirmed persistent rumors that the short list includes Cortez, Silverton and Maher as well as Montrose. Donors have chosen communities where an economic boost was most needed. At least twenty-five locales bid for consideration on the expansion of higher education. Other regional schools had little input at the final announcement, simply drooling at the prospect of another patsy on the gridiron.
– Hopper “Flash” Floode

Clouds bring much needed snow to Crested Butte

Clouds roll in with much needed snow on the horizon