All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Psychological Studies of Men in Public Restrooms

By Dr Joyce Bothers and Dr. Ruth Westhymen

EXCITABLE: Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole. Rips clothing in stressful dilemma.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends for a leak whether he needs to go or not.

NOSY: Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

CROSS-EYED: Looks into the urinal at left, uses center urinal, flushes urinal on right. Upset that he cannot find the right paper towel rack or hand dryer.

TIMID: Cannot urinate if someone else is watching. Flushes urinal as if business concluded only to double back and pee when he is alone. This neurosis can expand if not confronted. Some men can’t urinate if there is someone else in the room, the building, the parking lot, the county…

INDIFFERENT: If all urinals are occupied he goes in the sink.

CLOWN: Look! No hands. He shows off adjusting tie, looks around at mess on floor as if someone else is responsible.

WORRIED: Not sure what he’s been doing of late. Makes flash inspection while standing at urinal.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up and down urinal. Tries to hit fly.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, undoes belt, unties shoes, wets pants.

DISGUSTED: Stands for a long while before giving up and walking over to the sink.

CHILDISH: Leaks directly into urinal bottom for utmost bubble affect.

PATIENT: Stands ultra-close to urinal, reads newspaper with free hand.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he must perform number two and exits into the stall where he does both functions in one sitting.

FAST: Stands back to take long swath at the urinal, blindly missing and peeing on shoes.

LITTLE: Stands up on box or uses kids’ pisser only to fall in and nearly drown.

WITHDRAWN: Places feet in urinal, goes down leg eliminating noise.
– Manuel Flushe

People Age, Exhibit Common Traits

(Science of Science – Montrose, Colorado – January 10, 2015)
Most people are growing older according to a study recently conducted by a national internment service. The results, though hardly surprising, represent the first cross-section data collected on the subject.
That everyone gets the same going away party in the end is an often unmentioned quagmire that doles out equality without prejudice toward race, color, creed or sexual origin/preference.
“We found that in every case the participants were getting older on an annual basis,” shared one pollster. “Some continue to lie about their age as if that might somehow defer their cosmic curtain call.”
Indications are that young people spend a great deal of time trying to look older while older people almost spend the same amount of time trying to look younger. Researchers likened the behavior to that of Asian women covering their faces in the sun while snow white Europeans don coconut oil on chase lounges trying to bring a little color back to Paris.
One man, who said he had forgotten his name, told The Horseshoe, “I’m 87 years old and I don’t worry about this kind of thing. Death is the one thing we don’t have to keep track of. It will come find you when the time
Arrives.” – Ripple Van Winkle

“Frankly I’m a little bit pissed off at the masses.” – Karl Marx

MAKES SENSE…

LIGHTHOUSE RESTAURANT IN MONTROSE SAYS IT ALL

MEDIDOR DE LECTOR MORDIDO

(Especial de la Montrose Looking Glass – 10 de enero 2015)

     Un lector de metro no identificado sufrió una serie de picaduras de ayer al intentar leer un medidor de agua. La víctima, un empleado del Distrito de Agua Tri County, soportó bits en los brazos y las piernas en un ataque vicioso y no provocado.
La policía ha detenido hierba Hemplestick, de 2933668294592744 Road, que lo acusa de asalto agravado. El agresor se encuentra actualmente en pruebas para determinar un motivo para su comportamiento agresivo. Las autoridades no descartan la rabia, el estrés financiero o la enfermedad de las vacas locas en el incidente.
El lector metros heridos, a tiempo parcial humana de Olathe, está descansando y recuperándose en el Hospital de St Roscoe en Guisante, donde coquetea con las enfermeras y mira por la ventana todo el día.
Los abogados de Hemplestick dicen que su cliente está loco y debe hacer tiempo mientras el fiscal está pidiendo indulgencia desde el ataque puede caer bajo la jurisdicción de la controvertida Ley Make My Day. El juez, que estuvo ausente en la audiencia previa al juicio condenó a todos a tres días por insubordinación y otra semana en el desprecio por tirar bolitas de papel y goma de mascar en la corte.
Fuentes de Tri County dicen que han cortado el agua de Hemplestick en su residencia y su cuenta comercial, amenazando a su creciente operación de maíz dulce en California Mesa.
Hemplestick, que una vez jugó en la Selección Nacional de Fútbol Uruguay, sáb visiblemente alterado en el área de penalti, consultar con los abogados sólo cuando se le solicite. Este último episodio representa segunda ofensa oral del Hemplestick en los últimos 12 meses. Los lectores recordarán que fue acusado de morder a su cartero desde hace mucho tiempo en la parte superior del cráneo, sin razón aparente en abril. – Dinty Moore

“Sala Cleaver inventó poliéster para que pudiera dormir en su traje.”
-Lumpy Rutherford

Simpson mug to don voting booths

(Cosmetics and Gulches — Montrose, Colorado – July 10, 2015)

The halting, yet familiar face of cartoon celebrity Homer Simpson will grace all official voting booths in 2016. Simpson, who best exemplifies the mindless pursuit of the 21st Century carrot, often casts his ballot based on hearsay, rumors and billboards that he reads on the way to work.
“He’s a big fan of talk radio too and even catches a few the TV news unless he doses off on the couch instead,” said his wife Marge. This is the biggest thing that’s every happened to anyone in our family.”
Analysts feel that Homer Simpson could be the new poster child for the new peasantry and the American Oligarchy.
“He’s not real bright,” said one political behaviorist “is afraid of what he doesn’t understand and can be easily manipulated. His decision making capabilities, conversation level, and me-first attitude, along with well-documented immaturity and a seriously undeveloped personality make him the perfect choice.”
Simpson narrowly beat out Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton for the honor.
“Now all that’s left is to choose the colors for the booths. I expect we’ll go with yellow and blue, with big red swollen eyes and an intruding beer belly,” said a brainchild of the decorations. “We want all the booths to be uniform and all the voters to look alike. If that isn’t democracy I don’t know what is.” – Ripple Van Winkle

Philae’s Comet May Support Alien Life

(Mother Earth – Paradise Lost – July 10, 2015)

Astro-biologists confirm preliminary indications that living microbes are thriving on an unnamed comet visited by Philae’s probe last week. The organisms become more active as the comet nears the sun, warming the immediate atmosphere and encouraging the aliens to kick out the jams.
“This pretty much knocks the hell out of previously accepted metaphysical explanations for our origins and destinations in a celestial sense,” said Charley Chimpe, veteran space traveler who flunked Astrology 101 in his freshman year at Police State.
Philae is expected to make another rendezvous with the microbes next month in hopes of establishing primitive dialogue. Pentagon officials made incidental contact earlier in 2015 in an attempt to facilitate possible weapons purchases in the near future. – Marianne Marvelous