All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
DOW May Introduce Primates to San Juans
Silverton, CO — Monkey Business Release — June 10, 2015
Monkeys will soon roam with the bear and the elk in the San Juan Triangle if state Division of Wildlife zoologists have their way. A decision on the breakthrough placements will be made this week.
“When we say monkeys we mean Japanese Snow Monkeys, a species that could do quite well in these mountain environs. They live in cold, mountainous weather in Japan and the food chain is quite similar to that in our mountains,” said Betty Caige, an animal corrections expert with the DOW. “We cannot include tropical varieties on our new roster since most could not survive the harsh winters. The Japanese Snow Monkey, or macaque troupes are well suited for cold and snow.”
Until now genetic engineers have been reluctant to relocate macaques due to the potential for petty feuds with marmots, sheep, lions and ptarmigan that live up high in summer months. However after tedious study, researchers determined that since none of these species climb trees, conflicts could be easily averted.
“We see no reason why snow monkeys and the indigenous population can’t live as good neighbors,” said Caige. “We envision bighorns showing macaques the way to the hot springs and monkeys helping bears get honey from precarious branches.”
Exactly where the new residents might fit into the food chain is not clear although most contributing scientists view the primates as part-time carnivores who, if hungry enough might surround a deer or catch an occasional rabbit.
“They are smart,” said one biologist but not smart enough to build traps or blinds to catch game,” said Caige. “Most of these monkeys are primary vegetarians and will survive on leaves, berries and bark. But on special days they might feast on insects, eggs, small birds and even a fish or two.
“It’s difficult to imagine making it through an entire winter with nothing to eat but bark,” laughed Caige. “The monkeys will probably revolt and demand transfers. Why couldn’t we drop bananas during the brutal months?”
Forest Service bosses hope to create a much-needed source of cheap summer employment within these macaque ranks. Chores such as greeting campers, cleaning latrines and collecting tent fees are not out of the question.
“Monkeys can execute most tasks now performed by National Forest staffs and greenies and they don’t need a paycheck on Friday. They will work for bananas.” – Marvin Tinkleholland
AMERICANS MOST HAPPY WITH CROOK IN WHITE HOUSE
(Special Report From Way Back in 1882 — June 10, 2015)
(Ouray – 1882) According to an extensive survey 68% of American voters feel more comfortable with a crook in the White House than otherwise. With the recent election of Chester A. Arthur to the Presidency voters have confirmed data collected in the study.
Arthur became President after the assassination of James A. Garfield. A professional politician, Arthur achieved his goals by manipulating the political machine rising to power during a period of widespread dishonesty in every phase of government. Critics even go so far as to accuse Arthur of compliance in the murder.
He began his rough and tumble political career helping another crook, Republican Edwin D Morgan, become governor of New York for the second time. He was rewarded with an appointment as a general in the New York militia prior to the Civil War. When the war actually began Arthur had a safe and cushy job outfitting the militia for federal service. In 1862 he became state quartermaster general and his personal wealth grew quickly.
After the war he was appointed Collector for the Port of New York by another honest man, President U.S. Grant. During his tenure he saw to it that party regulars were given the good jobs. They, in turn paid, a percentage of their wages into Republican party campaign funds. Clever.
After Rutherford B. Hayes became President in 1877 he attempted to control this spoils system that had emerged. He appointed a commission to investigate the New York Customs House and it reported that three officers, including Arthur were neglecting their duties to handle party matters.
According to Frederick T. Frelinghuysen, Arthur’s Secretary of State Arthur has never done anything anyone else hadn’t already done.
“He’s no bigger crook than Grant…or even Hayes,” said Frelinghuysen. “His manipulation and sale of the Brooklyn Bridge will go down in history as “good business”. His renovation of the White House after it was occupied but downright slobs deserves acclaim,” said the secretary. “Just because all of his old buddies are getting rich off the American taxpayer doesn’t make him a bad guy.”
Many Americans, waking up to the threats from outside interests see a capable President as one who can make a few deals, twist a few wrists. They seem to accept the fact that some graft will occur and ignore hands in the cookie jar. Under all those whiskers they prefer to see their President as a good guy who is deserving of respect.
“We can’t keep a eye on the Brits and the lid on the Indian situation without someone who can pull a few strings residing in the White House,” explained one voter. “I say let him have at it. If he gets thrown in jail there’s always his vice-President, if he only had one.”
“Nobody outside of a judge’s chamber or a baby carriage believes in an unprejudiced point of view’. – Lillian Hellman
Faithful Warned of Shortages in Hereafter
(Bridge of Heaven – Ouray County, Colorado –May 25, 2015)
Persons expecting to enter the Pearly Gates should be aware of heavenly imperfections, even up there, said Rev. Price Bullwhistle, at a meeting of the Rich, Privileged Christians held last night.
Bullwhistle said that while most everything is cushy, there are a few rough spots still to work out. He then stressed that the righteous follow him in embracing a little reality where eternity is concerned.
“Many of the saved may not have their own bathroom in heaven,” he offered, “nor will all the meals feature meat. We must be patient with the angels,” he flinched. “A well-rounded Christian can adapt, especially considering the known alternatives.”
Other news covered in the three-hour session focused on eliminating political and cultural rivals and making more money for the congregation.
Quoting from the Book of Moammar, one of the Bad Angels of Orange County, Bullwhistle noted some of the more cutting shortages in the Great Beyond:
- Fuel is in short supply up there due in part to delivery distances and Purgatorial bandits along the way. Myths about 29-cent gas and full service garages are bunk and nothing more. Since OPEC is staffed with heathens who cannot go to heaven anyway the organization has en none to quick to drop prices.
- Fast food outlets are disappearing at a rapid pace since the celestial populace has rejected that fare in favor of a healthier intake. Shortages of wilted lettuce and stale ketchup have not helped the situation.
- Moses no longer drives a red Cadillac. He now operates a Toyota, built in Tel Aviv.
- Pay phones are not still 5 cents in fact they are up to a half-dollar, if one can find one that works. A call from heaven to, say, Limbo can cost $40 for 3 minutes while the cost to call hell is obscenely expensive.
- Lift tickets are not $10 at sacred ski resorts but have climbed to the ungodly sum of $35. Greens fees are out of this world too.
Bullwhistle went on to tell the assembled faithful that politics exhibit a mean streak in paradise, just like on earth.
“Richard Nixon was never pardoned up there,” he bellowed through his flag-draped megaphone. “He wasn’t even elected governor of California either.”
According to Bullwhistle black and white footage of the 1936 Olympics in Munich does not show Adolph Hitler shaking hands with Jesse Owens after the latter, a Black American stole the Aryan Show. Hitler, who lives downstairs, is a popular after-dinner speaker demanding 120,000 indulgences per speech. Even he complains about the quality of the whirlpool strudel, which is anonymously served by SS cheerleaders, after each performance.
On a social note Bullwhistle warned of such common myths like “I’m in heaven now so I can eat as much as I like or Forget about personal hygiene. I’m a spirit now and nobody can smell me anyway.”
Imagine if you will, started Bullwhistle, a slow-moving elevator crammed with the fat and the righteous. No toothpaste, no deodorant on this excursion. Hey, who dropped the soap?” he cackled. “Hell may indeed brandish its fury but we would have smelleth heaven’s wrath!”
The reverend continued by verifying that the New York Times Book Review and The Daily Show are easily found in heaven. He confirmed that falling through clouds injured at least 140,000 Heavenians since the turn of the last century.
“Persons who judge their neighbor down here will be saddled with less than good footing up there,” he smiled.
– Saint Roscoe of Paddycake
Farcheezies Join REA on Kebler Power Line Spat
(Crested Butte CO — May 25, 2015) Internationally renown high-wire artists Margot and Slim Farcheezie have hired on with the local rural electric association. The collaboration is in an attempt to smooth feathers and lighten the hearts of residents here, angry over power surges and proposed power line expansion.
Many inhabitants feel that the electric company shuts off power during off-season months yet still charges the same. They say this recent marriage with the Farcheezies is a further attempt to convince its customers that a new Kebler power line is necessary. Local environmentalists say the power line will only disrupt wildlife and create an unsightly intrusion in an otherwise pristine locale.
“We regulate the power during what was once called off-season to save energy and since no one of any consequence is in town anyway,” quipped an electric spokesman.
The Farcheezies are quite popular in Crested Butte due to Croatian heritage and longtime association with CF&I in Pueblo. The two own 28 dogs. Suspicious citizens see the arrangement is another attempt to whitewash the matter and go on with the master plan.
“A good number of the newer residents in Crested Butte, thinking they have found a utopia, do not have electricity and want to keep it that way,” said Sallie Scallope of the utility concern. “Sure they do. Just let them make it through a winter without the amenities that your power company provides. Ha!”
According to the current direction the Farcheezies will be on call 24 hours a day to trouble shoot Kebler, offering transport and live polka music on heavy snow days. The electric company has spent a reported $35,000 on trapeze equipment, hire wires, tights, tutu dresses, lighting, nets and an orthopedic seat for Mr. Farcheezie.
“Anything is better than paving Kebler,” gasped one resident.
Horseshoe readers may remember the Farcheezies from back in 1981 when the pair was inked to extend the debt ceiling while controlling inflation in South America. Anyone wishing to speak directly to the Farcheezies should call the Irwin Lodge here they will be staying until their doublewide arrives from Eastern Europe. – Teddy Kilowatt
RE 11785 PASSES
(From The Fervent Gossip – San Juan Mountain – May 25, 2015)
The passage of RE 11785 comes as no surprise to anyone associated with the measure. Opponents swallowed defeat quietly while supporters enjoyed their place in the sun. The electorate was uninterested in the action, as has become a pattern, preferring to worry about terrorists or go shopping.
“The funny thing about RE 11785 is that no one in these chambers has any idea what it is about or what it entails,” gaped Melvin Toolini, 95, a wealthy peanut butter and jelly rancher who bought his Senate seat in 1954. “No one read it. No one discussed it and, to top it off no one claims responsibility for its origin.”
RE 11785, which slated to become law in the fall, may effect everyday life or have no impact at all according to legislators. Many feel it will be stored away with the mounds of other laws that are not enforced or not applied to a given situation.
“I wouldn’t get all worked up over this petty development,” quipped Toolini, his beady eyes surveying the room for enemies and allies. “At least we finally agree on something.” – Small Mouth Bess
