All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
IN FORTY YEARS OR LESS
GEMS FROM OUR RECENT PAST
NATION’S RUM RESERVES COULD BE DEPLETED BY 2020
(Virgin Gorda, BVI) The United States could find itself completely out of rum in the next five years according to sugar cane brokers here. Lack of conservation and export to other planets has placed a severe strain on distillers all over the Caribbean. An increase in production over the past two years has only led to an even larger jump in consumption, especially in the inner cities and the outer limits.
Already several hinterland politicians are calling for an end to the moratorium on the manipulation of natural rum resources in the Rockies. They say that the continued dependence on foreign rum will reduce this country to nothing more than “a slave to the whims of the rum cartels.”
Rum merchants here are suggesting that imbibers back off and substitute whiskey or gin for rum until this emergency subsides. Traditional sources of molasses have already been placed on the endangered list in the Lesser Antilles and the public consumption of native rum has been outlawed all along the snowy, white beaches of Hispaniola. -Suzie Compost
FALL IS THE TIME TO CHECK FOR HIPPIES
Crawl Spaces, attics could be infested
Special from the National Injunction Service and Homeland Security Act
(Woodstock, NY) Loyal consumers are reminded that fall is the time to muck out crawl spaces, window boxes, attics, sheds, garages and privies for hippies. This species, like many others in our forests, attempts to locate appropriate accommodations for the winter before the snow falls. Hippies have been known to move into all types of structures from a common line shack to the Taj Mahal only to abandon those digs for a more Spartan summer dwelling when the spring arrives. It is during this cosmic mud season that hippies are as scarce as a bull elk in the butcher shop.
In order to effectively rid one’s household/property of these pests one must first identify the problem. Have there been hippies nesting in the home on prior occasions? What can one do to discourage these squattings? Are you inadvertently doing something to attract them?
Board up those windows, seal up crawl spaces, insulate attics, haul old tires, cardboard, aluminum siding…anything that could be used for temporary construction…to the dump. A little preventive maintenance today could save a multiple use nightmare down the road.
Next month: “Cat hair and autumn salad ideas”
CAVE SHORTAGES WORRY BEARS
(Kebler Pass) Local bears have expressed frustration and resentment this year as higher prices and a chronic shortage of caves have driven many out of the region. A growing number of the mammals have been forced to live in ramshackle shelters or share crowded housing with other bears, not even in the same family, just to make ends meet.
Newcomers to the area have driven cave prices through the ceiling with little relief in sight according to local housing concerns who say that if the situation is not rectified Western Colorado may experience a drop in year-round population.
“In order to accommodate the urban Ursidae who brings in his honey from the outside, many of the long-term shaggies may be forced out of their territory,” said one immigrant realtor, “which is progress in its purest fiscal form.”
In a related bit of news the Department of the Inferior has announced that a scrawny skunk cabbage crop could create serious food shortages for bears as the autumn makes its grand entrance. This will most likely translate in an increase in contact between hungry bears and man.
Humans actively engaged in suburban sprawl are asked to pack up their things and move back to Moline before it’s too late. Those who choose to remain are encouraged to familiarize themselves with the rigors of the natural food chain.
-Walter Wonderlust
NO TV FOR WELFARE RECIPIENTS
In what is perceived as an attempt to show competence and firm control the gov’ment is getting tough with fraudulent welfare recipients and is taking away their television privileges. The temporary action is aimed at flushing out persons receiving welfare checks who are sandbagging the system.
The feds people think the action will provoke an immediate response and that an estimated 40-50% of those abusing the assistance program will quickly terminate their relationship with their social workers. Another 25% are expected to follow suit once the weekend sports menu comes around.
Like most of his other rescue missions the details of this plan were not released. It is not known if the feds will send repo-like agents around to pick up the televisions or if the cable companies will do the dirty work from their fortified inner-city bunkers. One thing seems certain, though, the honor system will not be employed. After a few short weeks, when all the paperwork has been filed, needy people will again be able to enjoy the fine television viewing that blurs their sense of reality.
“Although we have not been informed of the specific variables of the procedure one thing is clear,” said Melvin Tool, special secretary to the special secretary’s secretary, “Even the President wants his foot on the accelerator of this baby. He’s cramming it into second and the tires are screaming! He’s laying a heavy patch of rubber!”
The President is reported to be racing to cut the fat from the system and transfer ineffective social workers to The Pentagon or The Department of Energy by 2018. After restricting television viewing the Administration plans an assault on other lethal drugs common to federal housing projects and rural slums. Already lobbyists for the giant pharmaceutical companies are getting jumpy.
The concept of creating opportunity so that the poor and disenfranchised might pull themselves up and out of this chronic mess was lost amid flag waving, partisan rambling and coffee break.
In time it is surmised that the majority of unwarranted welfare recipients will grow tired of listening to the radio and go out and look for work. That development, of course, is dependent on whether minimum wage crawls out of the dark ages and indigent people can make more filling orders than filling out forms.
-Ripple van Winkle
N.L. FIELD CREWS FAVOR CHEW BAN
(San Diego – August 25, 2015) National League field crews and stadium personnel voted overwhelmingly in favor of a tobacco-free All-Star game slated to be held here in July of 2016.
With more and more players turning to sunflower seeds to calm their keystone nerves and pass time riding the bench, the decision was quite easy, according to unreliable sources here at Petco Park.
“They’re a nervous, superstitious lot,”said one tarp engineer of today’s players. “They gotta spit something.”
Joining five major health groups in calling for a ban on chews and dips during the Mid-Summer Classic, the field crews cited the daily cleanup nightmare and lawn maintenance headaches associated with the bad habit.
“Imagine the pretender to the mound out there in 2015 with a wad in his cheek,” continued the source. “The pitcher stares, then shakes off a sign, then spits…Then a curve ball looking the size of a mad, runaway, taxi cab comes calling at your ear.”
Saying that logistical problems far and above health considerations exist, the stadium workers described in detail the chore of removing wads of chew from the manicured lawn noting that the tobacco does kills grass but not weeds. The crews described, in nauseating detail, the tedious and time-consuming task of cleaning up in and around the dugouts after the crowds have departed for the evening.
In a related piece, Major League Baseball has pledged to investigate the higher incidence of beards among athletes and a preponderance of initials rather than first names in use on the scorecard. It is believed that these choices reflect player’s concern over privacy and possible identity theft since all are admittedly overpaid compared to teachers, police and social workers.
What the league hopes to discover is anyone’s guess.
– Rocky Flats
FOX News Indicted for Artificial Dissemination
The Supreme Quart today handed down a series of indictments against FOX News claiming that the entity misrepresented reality and misappropriated public trust in a series of broadcasts from 2010 – 2015.
In what the ruling body called “artificial dissemination of concocted facts Fox has acted irresponsibly and criminally in attempts to convince its American television audience that corporate power is the only protection against a host of boogey men and terrorists out to get them.
According to the high quart: “FOX has pillaged the truth and manipulated its newscasts so as to create an illusion of fear and distrust in this country by communicating only misapprehension and falsehoods to further its economic and political goals.”
“These seriously twisted talking heads, even the ones with the perfect hairstyles, have convinced the middle class that it is the poor (and not the global corporations) who are to blame for their daily struggles,” said the indictment. The repetitive and methodic allocation of media manipulation and data pandering has created chronic polarization and xenophobia that threatens basic freedoms and renders viewers far less informed (dumber) than they were this morning. – Phil E. Buster
Celebrating 200 Years of Colonialism
Celebrating 200 Years of Colonialism
Dinosaurs Bored to Death?
(Old Stone Age Thought — August 10, 2015)
(Rangely) Scientists working in remote, rugged stretches of Northwest Colorado have stumbled across somewhat disturbing data intimating that dinosaurs and other giant lizards may not have met their demise due to a great flood, climate change or a break in the food chain, as had been previously surmised.
The extinct titans are believed to have suffered their last indignity in the high valleys of the Rockies and in particular near what were then the thriving cave person centers of Sunbeam and Maybell.
“We found fossils and prehistoric relics all over the ground here,” Said Professor Rex Tyrone of the University of Downtown Delta. “Many of these preserved treasures suggest nail biting, endless migrations, petty squabbles and depression. All of these symptoms are linked to chronic boredom, and we have just scratched the Paleolithic surface.”
Tyrone, himself a bit of a dinosaur in the halls of higher education, told The Horseshoe that these same behavior patterns have emerged within the humans species since the invention of the wheel and later, the internet.
“The tedious yet humdrum existence may well have caused the dinosaurs to make a hasty exit, self-destructing as early as 9000 BC, give or take a few millenniums,” he explained. “The end of these reptiles can be directly related to the “too much time on his hands” postulate that we observe in RV enthusiasts, daytime TV viewers and people who hoard money.”
The researcher went on to suggest that many dinosaurs lost their way during liar’s poker games that were quite popular throughout the Epicurean Era.
Other scientists, considering this biological and behavioral phenomenon, disagree vehemently with Tyrone’s hypothesis calling it childish speculation. One added that Tyrone “couldn’t tell the difference between a Brontosaurus and a Bratwurst.”
In his signature cool response, Tyrone suggested that his boredom theory has both metaphysical and geographic merit.
“These charlatans should spend a Saturday night in Rangely so as to grasp the concept of dullness, monotony and ennui,” spouted Tyrone. “Just one Saturday night is all I ask and they will see that my findings take on a meaningful clarity. In a nutshell: It ain’t no Delta.” – Gabby Haze
Early Swimming Lessons No Help With Bed Wetting
(Ridgway, CO — Yellow River Press – May 10, 2015)
Enrolling toddlers in swimming programs will do little or nothing to relieve the symptoms of bed wetting issues say physicians at Mao Clinic here. Although the associations are clear and the links are obvious, submerging little children in water in the morning won’t help them stay dry through the night.
Staying dry in bed and getting wet in the pool have no connection. Often children wet the bed due to juvenile traumas that increase with guilt and fear of repetition. Most will grow out of the behavior and should not be pressured.
“Our kids turn out to be great swimmers,” said Coach Eddie Edwards of the Montrose Marlins. “We have never considered any other therapy that may be going on in the pool. Bed-wetting has never been an issue, even with the younger swimmers. Besides, how would we know if the condition was present? Everybody’s soaked here.”
The origin of this kind of thinking has never been clear. Pediatricians remain guarded about any positives that may emerge due to socialization and sleeping structure, or even the affects of cold water on the developing human body.
“Coincidental solutions are valid,” said one medical researcher. “But we can’t rely on them. The rule of thumb here is prevention. Water intake before bed and monitoring can help. Keep the patient in a cool and dry place. Apply behavior modification. Swimming lessons, like flying lessons, salsa lessons or cooking lessons will do little to lessen bed-wetting.
– Tommy Middlefinger
