DOW May Introduce Primates to San Juans

Silverton, CO — Monkey Business Release — June 10, 2015

Monkeys will soon roam with the bear and the elk in the San Juan Triangle if state Division of Wildlife zoologists have their way. A decision on the breakthrough placements will be made this week.
“When we say monkeys we mean Japanese Snow Monkeys, a species that could do quite well in these mountain environs. They live in cold, mountainous weather in Japan and the food chain is quite similar to that in our mountains,” said Betty Caige, an animal corrections expert with the DOW. “We cannot include tropical varieties on our new roster since most could not survive the harsh winters. The Japanese Snow Monkey, or macaque troupes are well suited for cold and snow.”
Until now genetic engineers have been reluctant to relocate macaques due to the potential for petty feuds with marmots, sheep, lions and ptarmigan that live up high in summer months. However after tedious study, researchers determined that since none of these species climb trees, conflicts could be easily averted.
“We see no reason why snow monkeys and the indigenous population can’t live as good neighbors,” said Caige. “We envision bighorns showing macaques the way to the hot springs and monkeys helping bears get honey from precarious branches.”
Exactly where the new residents might fit into the food chain is not clear although most contributing scientists view the primates as part-time carnivores who, if hungry enough might surround a deer or catch an occasional rabbit.
“They are smart,” said one biologist but not smart enough to build traps or blinds to catch game,” said Caige. “Most of these monkeys are primary vegetarians and will survive on leaves, berries and bark. But on special days they might feast on insects, eggs, small birds and even a fish or two.
“It’s difficult to imagine making it through an entire winter with nothing to eat but bark,” laughed Caige. “The monkeys will probably revolt and demand transfers. Why couldn’t we drop bananas during the brutal months?”
Forest Service bosses hope to create a much-needed source of cheap summer employment within these macaque ranks. Chores such as greeting campers, cleaning latrines and collecting tent fees are not out of the question.
“Monkeys can execute most tasks now performed by National Forest staffs and greenies and they don’t need a paycheck on Friday. They will work for bananas.” – Marvin Tinkleholland