McDonald To Visit Rain Forest

(Montrose) Burger clown, Ronald McDonald, announced today that he would go to the Amazon in an attempt to reassure consumers that the fast food industry is concerned about the disappearing rain forest there.

In town for the gala Walrose Days Ceremonies, commemorating the transformation of productive farmland to a fast food gauntlet of mass merchandising temples, McDonald thanked fat, stupid county and city administrators for making it all possible.

“We couldn’t have done it without you,” he smiled. “What was once depressed farm country is now alive with the familiar signs of the 21st Century. This is the culture that we export to other countries throughout the world.”

McDonald then outlined his visit the Amazon saying that his main concern is to educate.

“There has been a lot of criticism aimed at the fast food industry due to clearing of the land for pasture,” said McDonald. “So the peasants of South America want to run cattle on what was once worthless jungle. What does that have to do with us?”

Scientists say that if the continued clearing of the rain forest does not stop at once it will disappear by 2035. With it go a multitude of plant and animal species, potential cures for disease and maybe a solution to the further deterioration of the ozone.

“We can open up a few more drive-throughs along the Amazon River so that loggers and burn crews could have a place to stop for lunch. Is that so bad?” he asked.

A spokesman for the clown refused to elaborate on rumors that fast food giants have been experimenting with synthetic food substitutes in Third World countries in response to the spread of foot and mouth disease and the possibility of another potato blight.

McDonald’s plan shows some big cahones considering death of chicken magnate, Colonel Sanders at the hands of Putumayoc cannibals in 1982. Violence toward pizza delivery personnel, semis hauling “fresh” chemical breads and talking chihuahuas has been on the rise since that time too.

And now the U.S. Embassy has issued a restricted travel advisory following the kidnappings of the Burger King and Wendy by Colombian guerrillas last month. It is hoped that the two are currently being held somewhere in the jungle. Corporate executives have as yet refused to respond to ransom demands despite the regular arrival of fingers and toes, allegedly belonging to the captives, at corporate headquarters in the U.S.

Rumors that the fast food corporations were busy raising an army (dubbed Ronnie’s Freedom Fighters Brigade) to stage a Grenada-like rescue attempt were denied at all levels over the weekend. Desperate pleas that McDonald “lose the nose and hair” and travel incognito have been ignored.

While in South America, McDonald will present a series of pyramid/nutrition seminars aimed at recruiting indigenous peoples into McDonalds management training programs worldwide.

– Manco Copac