All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Take Your Base, I’ll Take Mine

A Critical Analysis of the National Sport

by Quentin Parquay, Royal Legion of Sport

(Editor’s note: Mr. Parquay, a literary critic with The London World and former fellow at Oxford University, has been dedicated enough to sit through rain delays, extra-inning games and traffic jams so as to compose this international peek at baseball in 2024. Although well versed, drifting from Kahlil Gibran to Oscar Wilde, Parquay admits he possesses a limited knowledge of the game having experienced his first contest only last week.

The following expose is reprinted from The Hamilton Hemorrhoid, a well- respected, often painful British sports bulletin. It has appeared Steamboat Magazine. With any luck the following might alleviate the frustration of Rockies’ fans, at least in a theatrical sense. (They say William Shakespeare could never hit the high curve.)

Baseball: 1.) a game played with a bat and a ball by two opposing teams of nine players, each team playing alternately in the field and at bat. The players at bat, after hitting the ball in fair territory must then run a course of up to four bases laid out in a diamond pattern in an attempt to score runs. 2.) a questionable competition of North American origin that promotes bad language, hooky, jawing, bad manners, superstitiousness and the spitting/chewing of tobacco. 3.) the ball used in the game of baseball.

     My interest in the field of baseball began when I first ran across “Casey at the Bat” in 1990. Although the epic poem had been around for decades it had not circulated through the offices of a man who dissects playwrights and Gothic novelists. I hope the following will be entertaining to the reader and beneficial to the fringe fans and the arts as well.

THE FAN

     We Brits cannot afford to be critical of abhorrent fan behavior after the escapades of our cohorts at most football (soccer) matches from Cornwall to Kent. The counterpart American aficionado is actually quite calm and well behaved compared to the football fanatic. He only becomes dangerous toward the late innings after drinking cup after cup of overpriced light beer.

     The aesthetic distance between the audience and the main characters is of special interest to anyone wooed by the theater. The left field character, for instance, is closer to the audience and can be more objective about how his lines are perceived in the grandstands. The thrower (pitcher) cannot gather this same kind of feedback. The audience however is well in earshot of various asides mouthed by fielders and the funny-dressed men behind fourth base that you call home plate.

     The fan is most often in sympathy with one team or the other. He is most vocal at points of tension between singular characters or sometimes with entire groups of players. He is prone to embracing myths and often makes references to the supernatural as he metaphysically munches on hot dogs with onions and mustard and burnt peanuts, salted in the shell. His metaphors can be figurative, trite and/or utterly classic. His hyperbole is common only to the colonies. In later innings the fan gets swept up in the flow of dramatic monologue that results in comic relief or didactic tragedy.

THE CHARACTERS

     Reflecting on the scene behind home plate we see one over-dressed character (the catcher) that carries with him a host of mandatory duties. He must not only catch the ball each time it is flung at him, but he must field difficult “pop flies”, cover his base, backup first base and throw down to second in the event of an attempted steal attempt. (We will discuss thefts and squeezes later in this article). While there is little morality involved in the steal, the catcher is often measured by his pinpoint response to the instant plot. In the local vernacular we hear fans loudly encouraging this catcher to “gun him down” or “nail him with a low throw”. This should not be taken as anything violent. The successful application of these throws and tags can often bring down the curtain for an inning.

     The catcher’s associate behind the plate is called the umpire, a living allegory who attempts to impose his own doctrine. This dark character converts acceptable language into persuasive, tight, one-syllable chants with the sacred narrative “Steeerike, Bawww or Yurooout!”. Otherwise most of the communication is in sign language that is reminiscent of Shakespeare that holds the audience in awe.

     Amusing reaction to the umpire often dwells on King Lear’s cry: “Thou hast eyes to see…and see not!”

     The rest of the extras dress alike so much that it lends an eerie, almost robotic essence to the performance. Each of the two reams is represented by wearing its own costume. It is within the professional ranks that we find strong connection to ancient bestiaries and ethnic euphemisms with names like “Tigers, Cubs, Braves and Giants”. On the local level this practice has been methodically embraced. Long socks may represent the desire to return to simpler days while “softball” fashions clearly illustrate a yearning for a

modernistic, almost impressionist, rendezvous with the keystone future. Significant action generally soils the players’ costumes but adds a delightful descent from the loftiness of pre-game ceremonies.

THE PLOT

     Everything happening on the diamond is synchronized into nine innings where one team tries to outscore the other by whatever means available during the scenes that add up to an act. The two teams could play an eternity if the thing reaches extra innings. Imagine a summer day and a pastoral scene in right field where a player is responsible for catching the ball before it hits the ground, then hurling it back into the infield (main stage). He must do this before any players “tag up” and make their way around all four bases and off the set and backstage into the dugout. If the ball is caught cleanly the acting batter is out and has no further lines until he comes up to the plate again in two or three innings. If the fielder misses the ball the hitter gains access to any number of bases while other supporting cast scores runs. The clumsy fielder is often then seen as a goat. Continued performances of this quality will often result in an understudy placed in his position.

     The main actor and navigator of the plot is the pitcher since he initiates the action. He delivers his lines while perched on a pompous little hill 60 feet (18.3 meters) from the batter’s box. He throws a variety of pitches to the catcher aimed at confusing, overpowering and terrifying the man with the stick (bat) in his hand. The umpire then watches closely as curves, sliders and fastballs cause negative capability of the part of the person trying to make contact (with a rounded bat) with the little spinning ball. Some of these pitches exceed 100 miles (or 161 kilometers) per hour. The fastball coupled with an array of sneaky pitches often causes the batter to pop up, ground out or strike out (signified by K for some unknown reason). These activities in no way represent literary onomatopoeia since there is no sound emanating from the ball as it travels to the plate. The onomatopoeia magically occurs when the ball slams into the squatting, supporting actor’s round, oversized glove. Here we see the frontline struggle by the designated protagonist to stifle the antagonist by making contact with a fiery sphere chucked in the direction of his head and vital body parts. It is here that we see another character, the manager, wheel out onto the field angered by the exposition of the background.

THE SET

     The set can be universal as well as specific to baseball. The only props are the three bases and the plate, the walls, the mound, the backstop, the dugouts (2) and the scoreboard. The size of the stage varies greatly from set to set but is always characterized by white lines that protrude from home plate to the first or third bases. These are the symbols of the action. It is the actor who brings it all into perspective.

       During my last sports melodrama the hero was a young pitcher for the Colorado Rockies. His saga was one of ever-increasing pathos. He quickly extended his poetic license by hurling a “loaded up” ball at the batter’s head. Soon after he balked, a clear sign that he neglected to prepare his lines before taking the stage. By the end of the inning he had reached absurd capacities in low comedy by allowing three other actors to reach untenable positions without exiting the stage. The tone of the play then becomes one of anticipation, bordering on anxiety. The guilt-ridden child actor is sent away by his rigid master to a place called the Minors that was never described by Dante or even the unholy angels. Each summer pantomime contains endless and simultaneous dramas with characters intact. It is this mysterious show and tell that stimulates the lifelong fans of the game. How appropriate in both a literary and mirthful sense. Play Ball!

“The check’s in the mayo.”  – famous promise in Dixie.

French Leaders Refuse Onion Demands Again

(Paris) Public service worker onions remain out of strike today as French President Emmanuel Macron refuses to bend on a new roster of demands. After an emergency session of the cabinet late last night, the liberal government pledged “not to blink in the face of the growing pungency” that threatens to touch the very fabric, the culinary life of everyone in the country.

     “Just imagine our salads and sauces,’ said Chef Antoine Gendarme, of Sabat’s Cafe here. “What will we do when the reserves run out and they are calling for French onion soup? This walkout is not just a problem for France but for the world. The onion is the heart of all classic cuisine be it in Mexico, Thailand, Italy  or Peru.”

     Most in the know fear that once the damage has been done it will be virtually impossible to return to the old days when the entire globe looked to the French for culinary direction and purpose.

     “Who will take over if the France falls?” asked the chef. “That is an interesting question considering growing onion anger is not merely a reality in Europe.”

     Kitchens the world over have expressed concern that the renegade onions may be joined by radical celery, rogue tomatoes, revolutionary garlic and even some minced anarchists posing as innocent rutabaga,  but in actuality belonging to the fruit and nut family. They agree that if the situation worsens no one will be able to function at the business end of a Provencal kitchen.

     “We still have our bread, our cheeses and our vineyards but somehow it has all lost its luster in the face of the strike,” said a French dairy farmer who has grown a garden since the days of Charles DeGaulle. “Sure I’ve had a few minor confrontations with sketchy vegetables and a few bean strains here and there but for the most part it’s been symbiotic: I plant them in rich soil in with just the right amount of sun then water them and they provide sustenance and often time decoration at my table.”

     Some within the expanded food industry secretly support the onions while others are waiting until the harvest to decide on what measures are most logical.

     “I’m half Irish and half Cajun said Meghan, sommelier from Bethesda, Maryland. “Part of me reaches out to the French, the other says give me a another Guinness with those fish and chips. If we recant here and capitulate every time some vegetable raises his voice what kind of message are we sending to the younger sprouts and seedlings?” she pressed.

     Meanwhile striking onions continue to hold a daily vigil in front of government offices demanding subsidized storage and more comfortable transport to market. All the rolling back and forth and the peeling has officials at wit’s end…and the odor…!”

     Talks broke down again yesterday after police, crying Scallions! Devoyers salassants! arrived on the scene with a large industrial slicer/guillotine disguised as a giant snail. Not to be intimidated by fleeting logic, members of the Public Service Union and the ministry accused each other of bad breath. Shallots stayed home in protest. Tears fell on both sides of the cutting board.

     Despite official fears of a lengthy strike that could cripple Bastille Day celebrations, the groups then disbanded so as to eat dinner before going out to turn over cars and burn them in the streets of Paris, no easy feat for tubular chives and flavonoids.

– Sir Otis of Liver

“If voting changed anything they’d make it illegal.”  – Emma Goldman

If Cowboy Poets Wrote Nursery Rhymes

Initially space alloted for this piece was supposed to focus on the infant Presidential campaign with its blabbering, old white man canes, elder-colic and loaded Depends, but after a few minutes of scrutinizing the mess it was decided that our readers might like High Plains Culture Hour instead.

We wondered that if the classic children’s nursery rhymes had been penned by long rider poets in pointy boots, brush-fire mustaches  and cowboy hats the subjects might have leaned more toward a more bucolic posture. Here are a few gems found while pecking around in the bunkhouse. We call them Buckaroons.

Little Miss Prattle…
sat in the saddle
checking her spurs and bay,
when along came a rider
saying circle much wider
or you’ll chase all the mavericks away.
***
Mary had a can of chew…
its leaves were black as coal
and everywhere that Mary went
she brung that tin of skoal.
It followed her to school one day
which was agin’ the rule,
and all the children took a pinch
then sat and played it cool.
***
Tenderfoot Aspire…
sat by the camp fire
eating his biscuits and bacon
With his new cowboy clothes
he struck up quite a pose
and cried: Buckaroos, “I’m just fakin’.”
***
Sing a song of six-guns…
belly full o’ hoots,
four and twenty tinhorns
shakin’ in their boots.
When the smoke had cleared up
I heard the gunman wail
“Wasn’t that a clever way
to spend the night in jail.”
***
Hickory, dickory, dense…
the cows got out the fence
Which lazy wrangling dunce
is liable for these stunts?
Hickory, dickory, dense
***
If all the work was round-ups…
and all the girls wore mink
And all our mounts ate tater chips
what would there be to drink?
***
Hark, hark…
it’s gettin’ dark
The chuckwagon’s gone lame.
Our dinner’s late
but leave a plate
for breakfast – much the same.

– Kevin Haley

Peces encontrados en agua potable.

(Ridgway) Se han descubierto truchas, kokanee y otras especies de peces sospechosas en el agua potable de la ciudad, lo que provocó conmociones hasta Denver. Los intrusos, algunos de ellos a una distancia de un brazo de distancia, aparentemente han llamado hogar al estanque desde la época del ferrocarril.

      “Esto no es nada de qué preocuparse”, afirmó un urbanista. “Los peces pertenecen al agua. Ahí es donde viven”.

      A pesar de las continuas garantías, esta tarde se vio a equipos de la ciudad en la costa pescando con redes y trabajando como compañerismo. Los peces capturados serán retenidos en la tienda de segunda mano local, donde se venderán a los consumidores. Se espera que otros vertebrados acuáticos incautados permanezcan encarcelados en cámaras frigoríficas hasta que se encuentren hogares adecuados o se adapten los procedimientos de reubicación en los niveles más altos del gobierno municipal.

      “Si el estado descubre que albergamos peces en nuestro suministro de agua, podríamos perder fondos para la purificación del agua”, dijo un planificador. “Entonces todos nos veríamos obligados a beber ginebra”.

      Muchos residentes temen la contaminación del agua debido a la curiosa población de peces que se ha instalado. Algunos temen que los peces puedan salir del grifo o obstruir las tuberías provocando heladas en las noches más frías.

      “Ick”, dijo un transeúnte recién llegado del condado de San Miguel. “¡Pensar que he estado bebiendo esta agua con esos peces viscosos nadando en ella!”

      Aunque los peces son bastante normales en estanques como este, la ciudad ha tomado medidas progresivas y cuantitativas para eliminar del agua visitantes de todo tipo.

      “Hemos pensado en hervir el agua potable de la ciudad después de pescar todos los peces que viven en ella”, explicó otro planificador. “Se está discutiendo ese enfoque, así como un plan para trasladar los cardúmenes a estanques estratégicos para minimizar la influencia de los peces radicales que se cree que se mueven libremente dentro de la población general.

      “Nuestros esfuerzos de ninguna manera suponen una amenaza para los peces amigables u otras especies atrapadas en esta reciente revelación”, continuó la fuente de la ciudad. “Los peces que cooperan con la investigación no tienen nada que temer”.

      Mientras tanto, las ventas de cebos se han disparado a medida que los grupos de vigilancia, temerosos de que se ponga fin al status quo aquí, han comenzado a dejar líneas desde Blue Lakes hasta Cow Creek. Muchos pescadores voluntarios se reunieron ayer en el embalse de Ridgway para mostrar solidaridad con las truchas de lago que se cree que se esconden allí.

      “Apreciamos su preocupación”, dijo el planificador, “pero el agua se consume en el valle de Montrose y Delta y no afecta nuestra situación. Esas comunidades tienen sus propios problemas que abordar y las idas y venidas de los peces no son una alta prioridad en este momento”.

– Bess de Boca Pequeña

Congressional Airways

Arrivals and Departures, June 2024

Arrivals

Caspian Sea to China Oil Pipeline ON TIME

Invasion of Iran ON TIME

Syrias Interruptus ON TIME

Military Spending ON TIME

Homeland Security Charade ON TIME

Departures

Bill of Rights CANCELED

National Health Care Package DELAYED

Focus on Border Policy with Mexico DELAYED

Funding for Education DELAYED

The Environment FLIGHT TERMINATED

The Economy STILL UP IN THE AIR

          -source Operation Mullah for Lunch, 2003

Supervivientes como Elkton

(Crested Butte) Un grupo de supervivencia ha incluido a la comunidad de Elkton en su lista de las diez ciudades más habitables de Estados Unidos según Assault Life, una publicación de culto del norte de Idaho. Elkton recibió su nombre debido a su clima agradable, su composición étnica, accesibilidad en invierno y proximidad a una importante zona de esquí del tercer mundo.

      Las ciudades no califican para este honor porque apoyen a un grupo sobre otro o porque hayan expresado aprecio por una orientación política o social determinada. Están incluidos en esa lista debido a su potencial previsto para capear una crisis militar. El almacenamiento de alimentos y armas, así como la privacidad para llevar a cabo las tareas de defensa, también fueron consideraciones importantes en la votación.

      El grupo que se hace llamar The Lighter Shade of Pale Brotherhood clasificó a Elkton, ubicado a unas siete millas al norte de aquí, en Washington Gulch, como el número tres en su registro anual. Venciendo a Elkton quedaron Deadhorse, Alaska (primero) y Ouelette, Maine (segundo). Otras comunidades que recibieron reconocimiento entre las cinco primeras fueron Grand Isle, Louisiana; Rexford, Montana y Orkney, Saskatchewan, como Pale Brotherhood, dejan mucho que desear en los campos de las matemáticas y la geografía.