All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
One National Forest is Enough Say Treeocons
(Washington) Sources in Mar Lardo confirmed rumors that Trump minions are making plans to convert the entire National Park system to one mega national park. The location of the giant recreational facility will most likely be located in Colorado or Utah.
Prompting a plethora of closures the methodology would save an estimated 4.5 billion dollars per year which could then be mailed back to taxpayers as yet another petty tax refund. After the picnic tables, the maps, the gift shops, and concession stands are gone, the trails bulldozed and the animals relocated, the gov’ment could then get on with the business of “natural resource management.”
The reduction of lands falling under federal protection could then embrace a multiple use code which encourages logging fracking and oil drilling at an accelerated pace. Authors of the bill, who wish to exploit the already suffering planet for paper money, see the future national park system as comprising one massive land grant.
“Maybe we’ll just turn the entire states into parks,” said one Trump woman. “The Mormons won’t like the idea at first but just as soon as they look at the potential profits they’ll come aboard,” she said. “If it’s Colorado we choose we’ll have to remodel the Confront Range and build a lot more scenic views. Most of the highways are already in terrible shape so we don’t have to worry about overgrazing or too much access traffic. Maybe we’ll just plow them under for the rural effect.”
Wilderness areas, now located within national forest confines will be open to industry as well. Plans to ship lumber to Mexico for processing have been discussed at length and, according to unconfirmed reports workers from Latin America may have to be brought in to “man the machines of progress.”
“I just don’t see a problem with these kinds of policies,” offered the same source . “We’ve got two Disneylands and who knows how many malls in figure mode. Why do we need all these parks too? Most Americans have never set foot in them anyway. If all goes according to plan and The Donald is re-elected we should be able to put these lands up for sale by 2026,” she continued. “Then you watch how fast the deficit disappears!”
A plan is already in the works that would show footage of the old national parks on television after the evening news until most everyone has forgotten that they once existed.
Cost estimates for the plan run into the billions with a complete makeover of the existing infrastructure a necessary, yet ignored component, jettisoned by high flying whitewashers in the GOP. Proponents say hidden ledgers do not present a problem since lumber and gas reserves can pay for these expenses.
“Then our friends can come in and mop up. The peasants here will complain at first but in a short time they’ll forget about what we’re doing and turn back to their televisions. Imagine the campaign coffers! And it takes only a flimsy Constitutional amendment to stretch a dynasty into 12 years instead of eight.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Dinosaurs Bored to Death?
(Rangely) Scientists working in remote, rugged stretches of Northwest Colorado have stumbled across somewhat disturbing data intimating that the giant lizards may not have met their demise due to a great flood, climate change or a break in the food chain, as had been previously surmised.
The extinct titans are believed to have suffered their last indignity in the high valleys of the Rockies and in particular near what were then the thriving caveperson centers of Sunbeam and Maybell.
“We found fossils and prehistoric relics all over the ground here,” Said Professor Rex Tyrone of the University of Downtown Delta. “Many of these preserved treasures suggest nail biting, endless migrations, petty squabbles and depression. All of these symptoms are linked to chronic boredom and we have just scratched the Paleolithic surface.”
Tyrone, himself a dinosaur in the halls of higher education, told The Horseshoe that these same behavior patterns have emerged within the humans species since the invention of the internet.
“The tedious yet humdrum existence may well have caused the dinosaurs to make a hasty exit, self-destructing as early as 9000 BC give or take a few millenniums,” he explained. “The end of these reptiles can be directly related to the “too much time on his hands” postulate that we observe in RV enthusiasts, daytime TV viewers and people who hoard money.”
The researcher went on to suggest that many dinosaurs lost their way during liar’s poker games that were quite popular throughout the Epicurean Era.
Other scientists considering this biological and behavioral phenomenon disagree vehemently with Tyrone’s hypothesis calling it childish speculation. One added that Tyrone “couldn’t tell the difference between a Brontosaurus and a Bratwurst.”
In his signature cool response, Tyrone suggested that his boredom theory has both metaphysical and geographic merit.
“These charlatans should spend a Saturday night in Rangely so as to grasp the concept of dullness, monotony and ennui,” spouted Tyrone. “Just one Saturday night is all I ask and they will see that my findings take on a meaningful clarity. In a nutshell: It ain’t no Delta.”
– Gabby Haze
Quiet Observations
Martian Travel Benefit: Apollo National Park on the Moon
With the establishment of the new Apollo National Park on the Moon it should be easier to travel to Mars according to Jetpack Carriers, a pioneer transport service specializing in all-inclusive cosmic ventures into the great beyond. Jetpack, which will begin full service flights to Mars in November, says the preliminary taming of the lunar orbit satellite, will give travelers a host of options when cruising outer space.
“The trip to Mars can be exhausting and tremendously tedious if a person is not prepared for the experience. The opening of a National Park on the moon offers a safety net or failsafe where people can get out of the shuttle, stretch their legs and have a look around.”
The round-trip cost for the journey starts at $1.3 million, which includes chemical meals in clever packaging and in-flight films. Interest in one-way trips has spiked recently with many potential passengers eager to “get off the grid and rid themselves of the stress of earth-bound routines” according to Jetpack.
Kim Jong-un Having Trouble Getting Dates
(Pyongyang) Korean news sources intimate that Dear Leader, Kim Jong-un has been experiencing a downturn in his social life after ordering the execution of a former girlfriend, Hyon Song-wol, a well-known Korean performer with the Unhasu Orchestra. Hyon, who was accused of breaking domestic pornography laws, was the victim of a firing squad that took an estimated dozen lives. Most of the others killed were members of the Wanghaesan Light Music Band.
Whether Kim will rebound from his social snafu was not discussed however many here say he will be back on the dating trail by the weekend. Many potential partners are afraid to say no to the Korean dictator and don’t dare answer the phone. Others reportedly dream of a date so as to get a decent meal in the starving country. The sources did not dwell on the leader’s charms, calling him “quite a catch” even though he is currently married to Ri Sol-ju, who had objected to the high profile of the ex-girlfriend.
“It is not known if these murders will undermine the dapper god-king’s efforts to woo the women of North Korea,” said one South Korean mouthpiece, “but it certainly can’t help come Saturday night.”
Many Zombies Sticking Around After Film
(Montrose) An alarming number of zombies and assorted extras say they are planning to relocate to Montrose after a positive experience filming a major sequel of the popular movie “I Am Alone” in the Western Colorado city. Of the 50 or so zombies taking part in the filming most told The Horseshoe that they hope to stay here.
“It all comes down to jobs and there aren’t all that many good ones to be had,” said one of the Walking Dead, sipping a zombie downtown yesterday. “Sometimes quality of life is more important than money and we have a powerful support group quickly forming in these environs.
Zombies, thought to be corpses brought back to life by witchcraft, generally led productive lives and often blend in with the local population. Many are attracted to the shadows of the urban arena yet others prefer the wide-open spaces.
The city of Montrose, in keeping with bullying practices toward small business within its confines, has announced that it will hire 200 more police officers to head-off disturbances. Readers may recall an upsurge in the zombie population in Delta after Attack of the Vegan Zombies was shot there in 1997. After marked concern on the part of authorities there it became apparent that zombies and regular humans could co-exist even though compatibility was in question when the days grew shorter.
– Jack Spratt
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Fred Allen
NEW MAIL SERVICE ESTABLISHED
(Silverton) An innovative mail service has been created here for people who absolutely do not want mail to get there overnight, according to postal officials.
Procrastination Parcel specializes in holding mail such as house payment checks, rent checks, utility payments and the like for up to three weeks, enabling the bumbler to cover his deadbeat posterior and not lose face with creditors or bounce checks.
“We’ve even lost mail for some of our patrons,” said Arlene Postino, inventor of the approach, “but that is only in extreme cases where bankruptcy or bodily threat is apparent.”
Other more positive mail such as bank deposits, personal letters and checks are generally forwarded at the regular time and are received in about two or three days said Postino.
Frustrating as the practice may be to collection agencies and debt services there is nothing illegal going on. Happy customers say it’s like dementia on amphetamines to the sender but more like credit on barbiturates to the receiving party.
“We asked the IRS, insurance companies and credit card concerns how they do it and they told us to proceed,” said Postino. “All of these agencies drag their butts when it comes to refunds and that’s really all we’re doing on a much smaller scale.”
Postino suggests that negatively affected parties look into suing someone or another, and refrain from calling her at home after lunch.
A sister program aimed at people who do not wish to receive mail is in the works as are space ship tours of Mars, global diaspora and a fix for the Mideast.
– Oral Waters
RASPUTIN HELD IN DANBURY PRISON
A modern day Grigori Rasputin is lurking in one of the nation’s finest prisons tonight in Danbury Connecticut. Stephen K. Bannon arrived at his new digs yesterday with a four-month all-inclusive reservation compliments of the United States government.
Like a recharged mafia bagman he continues to elevate his chosen gods while denouncing those who do not follow his prescription for a better world, with a newly forged America in the driver’s seat. Other convicts say he dictates to minions from his cell, using Rasterschlüssel 44, a cipher the Nazis successfully employed in world War II.
Rasputin at least washed his hair every six months in Lake Ladoga, breaking the ice for his vernal rinse.
For those who don’t recognize the name, Rasputin was the mysterious “Mad Monk” who surfaced during the twilight of Czar Nicholas II, in the shadows of the Russian Revolution. History tells us he had critical influence at the royal court in St. Petersburg especially with the Czarina Alexandra. He was the royal healer turned political confidant.
Rasputin cemented his relationship with the czar and czarina by supposedly alleviating the suffering of their only son and heir, Alexei, who had hemophilia, a rare disorder in which blood doesn’t properly clot.
While we realize most most MAGAs don’t know that name, we are compelled to draw stark similarities of the two personalities, behavior exhibited on and off stage. These same persons are quite familiar with Stephen K..
Bannon was sentenced to 4-months for defying a Congressional Subpoena with regards to the January 6 Trump-induced insurrection. He is loyal for now, a lot like Rasputin had been.
The pilgrim holy man was murdered by wealthy Russian nobles concerned that his sway with the Romanovs, and his continued presence was a threat to the Empire. Although the details of his foggy demise are sketchy, historians recount more than five attempts on his life before he was found floating, badly battered, in the Neva River.
His death enraged the peasantry, heralding in the Russian Revolution and eventually the Bolshevik takeover by Lenin and his cronies. His spooky prediction, that if the royal family deserted him the Czar and his family would soon be gone, came true.
Bannon has never washed his hair fearing that it will affect his genius and threaten the macho image he has tried so hard to create.
Bannon, for his part has had remarkable clout with the orange-haired, Czar Wannabe. He is equally as creepy as Rasputin and needs shampooing. He is defiant at every turn, his real motivation often clouded and suspicious even to allies, who see him as a savior on his mighty steed ready to lead the charge.
“There’s not a prison built or jail built that will ever shut me up,” he bragged recently.
Bannon is also facing criminal charges in New York state court alleging he duped donors who gave money to build a wall along the U.S. southern border. He has pleaded not guilty to money laundering, conspiracy, fraud and other charges. That trial has been postponed until at least the end of September.
“The holy man is he who takes your soul and will and makes them his. When you choose your holy man, you surrender your will. You give it to him in utter submission, in full renunciation.” –Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
