All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Baseball to Expand to Eleven Players

(New York) Major League Baseball has announced that it will expand on-field rosters in April so as to make the game more interesting. The decision to go from the traditional nine players to a bulked up eleven was received with mixed reviews by baseball’s loyal followers.

“A lot of us are still getting over the designated hitter clause in the American League,” said Melvin O’Toole, a Baltimore Oriole fan who lives in Washington DC. “Now they want to augment the current rosters by going to eleven players on the field.”

O’Toole said the move would further dilute the already dwindling pool of talent that now exists.

“Just so long as they don’t increase the number of pitchers used at one time,” suggested ” O’Toole. “It’s important to keep the 150-year legacy intact but with the price of a hot dog at the ball park who’s going to notice another outfielder or two?”

Actually the specific expansion will affect two newly created positions on the diamond. The first will be a logical fourth fielder who will play short center field or be pulled in to the infield to cut off the run at the plate. The second will be a super-utility player who might find himself filling the hole between first and second or backing up the catcher.

“We feel that the addition of two new positions will make the game more competitive,” said Jeb Bush, newly appointed Commissioner of Baseball. “There was far too much offense last year and the serious fan wants a return to the pitcher’s duel and the one run difference.”

Bush added that football has eleven men on the field at once and baseball has nothing to fear in embracing that numerical relationship.

Republicans in Congress are skeptical as to the move. Some say it is nothing more than another poorly disguised jobs bill aimed at employing more people on at least a seasonal basis.

“Presumably the size of the entire roster will increase” said Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). Teams will be forced to add four players to play the two extra ones. This reeks of monopoly and we will consider anti-trust legislation to protect the integrity of professional sports.”

Television contracts and product endorsements should not be affected. – Rocky Flats

AMERICAN CABBIES FLOCKING TO MIDEAST

(Karachi, Pakistan) U.S. cab drivers are moving to the Mideast in droves according to sources here. The phenomenon, which has drastically flip-flopped the cabbie trade balance between North America and the Arab world, has yet to be explained.

Surviving social scientists in Syria and in Afghanistan say the shift comes as a result of lucrative job prospects in the oil-rich Mideast combined with the desire to experience adventure. Cynics in places as distinct as Iran and Oman say the Americans have arrived so as to avoid the growing violence in U.S. urban centers.

“There are few robberies or other acts of violence aimed at cab drivers here,” said a police chief in Tehran. “That is because we punish offenders in ways which are quick and final. Imagine a society where a thief loses a hand and a rapist loses…well…he loses too. In the United States violent criminals know they can get away easy and people like cab drivers are prime targets.”

One problem, the language barrier, does not seem too serious as stumbling block since American cab drivers have worked with Mideast drivers for decades.

“Some of the rudest drivers in New York City aren’t from the Bronx or Brooklyn. They’re from garden spots like Mecca and Alexandria. They had to learn to be rude by impersonating their Yankee counterparts. It didn’t take long. Most of our people are capable of assimilation.”

A majority of ex-patriot cabbies have some command of various Mideastern dialects from listening to co-workers in places like Philadelphia and Chicago.

“I picked up a few choice phrases and some invaluable glaring techniques working with cabbies from Istanbul to Calcutta,” said one San Francisco trained cabbie who now makes his home in Ankara, Turkey. “It’s all a matter of presence. After this experience I could probably sell real estate in Tel Aviv.”

Although pay is high, by U.S. standards, tips are all but nonexistent. Cabbies must learn to negotiate often steaming traffic peppered with livestock and carts of all description. After work most look forward to tea rather than alcoholic beverages.

“They’ve all got radios which are, by design, cranked up to an infinite decibel level,” said one Turkish sociologist conducting a study of alien work habits for a Gallipoli truck driving academy. “They all yell at each other for entertainment just like we do. It’s a simple matter of a world economy coming full circle.”– Suzie Compost   

IRS Seizes Horseshoe, Gives It Back

(Mañana) The Internal Revenue Service seized the San Juan Horseshoe newspaper and its assets accusing the publication of tax evasion. In an early morning raid the illegal government taxing agency forced the paper to cease production and dismissed its employees including a blind proof-reader and two bookies employed in the sports department.

“We attempted to place our trademark heavy chain and padlock on the front door,” explained one agent, “but the weight of our pronouncement caved in a fragile bamboo wall rendering the door dysfunctional, trapping night editor and his entourage inside the building until the day shift arrived at noon.”

By then the IRS had returned the paper in tact saying the whole episode was a unfortunate misunderstanding. Insiders say the tax people were looking for illegal farriers and were misled by newspaper’s neon shingle, installed in 1978 to irritate neighbors.

In what insiders say is an unprecedented move the IRS apologized for the intrusion after determining that the paper’s visible assets were confined to an aging RG Dunn cigar box which, in better days, had served as a petty cash capsule and now held only dust

After a lengthy breakfast with several agents masquerading as Mormon missionaries, publisher General Kashmir Horseshoe gingerly raised his frosty mimosa in solidarity with the Magna Carta, The United States Constitution and the Paris Commune of 1871.

“The IRS is returning the newspaper to its rightful owners because enlightened elements there realize that the operators are but impoverished peasants struggling to fashion a narcissistic Walden from designer sagebrush and the ashes of new age procrastination while forcibly implementing Third World morality on the half shell.”

No one in attendance appears to have understood the statement either. Eye witnesses agree that the IRS blinked when the retired military officer handed over personal income tax receipts dating back to the Spanish-American War.

– Fred Zeppelin

Highway Painting Sells For 3.1 Million

(Gunnison) A freshly painted stretch of highway between Sapinero and Cimarron has sold for an estimated three million dollars according to an asphalt broker here. The painting, completed on Thursday by elements of the Colorado Department of Highways, will be extracted before the weekend and replaced with a bare stretch of road until the highway artists can get around to repaving and repainting it.

The valuable piece, featuring a severe stark yellow on a black background is about 1/4 mile long by two car lengths wide. It features a constant dots and dash pattern with intermittent solid line superimposed at graduated and parallel points of the universe. Critics had predicted a positive response, reflections of the natural beauty of the countryside. It was always a popular hangout for magpies and other of mother nature’s janitors due to the proximity to a good bar and dancing magpies in the road every other Sunday when they got drunk

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HORSESHOE BREAKS TONGUE IN FISHING INCIDENT

(Colona) General Kashmir Horseshoe, 156, reportedly broke his tongue in three places while fly  fishing the Uncompahgre River here it was reported today. According to the Ouray County Sheriff’s office the accident happened shortly after dawn. Although the report is sketchy at best several eye-witnesses gave this combined account.

“We observed a clumsy figure decked out in full military regalia descend into the river near Buckhorn Road at about 5:30 am. As he entered the water and began casting his fly rod about in a haphazard manner. Leaving the river to get his faithful mount he returned high in the saddle in his quest for breakfast. It was at the exact time that he landed a nice trout that his horse slipped and fell into the surging current.”

The witnesses admitted that they didn’t really see what happened next but it became apparent that the retired military officer was in trouble. One woman who came to his aid told reporters that Horseshoe’s line had somehow become firmly entwined around his sharp tongue and would not come loose. It was then that the break occurred. Fortunately there was not much line on the reel and his journey down the river was a short one. His horse, a less than gung ho buckskin gelding, was recovered, bruised but not shaken, down river near Delta that afternoon.

“He’s a resourceful old fart,” said another rescuer. “He began reeling himself in and avoided what could have been a disaster. He did, however, lose the fish.”

Horseshoe was cheated and released at St. Roscoe’s Hospital in Montrose. Doctors  there confirmed that his tongue would have to be in a sardonic, vinegar-base splint for the rest of the summer. In addition he suffered a bruised ego and lost most of the hair on his left forearm. The better part of his brain will remain in traction for an undetermined amount of time.

A statement released by aides suggests that the publisher will not be able to speak clearly for at least a month but that he plans to go fishing again tomorrow since he’s already invested over two thousand dollars in flies.

“We in no way expect this accident to affect his ability as copy editor since his lips still move around quite freely,” said the release. “It’s just lucky that the line didn’t catch him around his skinny neck and pull him headlong into the waters, but it’s sad that he lost the fish.”

This is the second time in a decade that Horseshoe has suffered tongue breakage. In 2005 he was rendered unconscious after breaking the same fleshy muscular organ while negotiating the Headwall at Crested Butte. That injury, according to attending physicians, never really healed properly since Horseshoe refused to stop talking during his recovery period.

– Fred Zeppelin

Celebrity Shortage Spurns Action

(Montrose) Pointing to a shortage of celebrities living in Montrose County, commissioners here have decided to offer tax breaks and building incentives for bonafide celebrities who relocate here.

The initial blueprint, based on the master plan that brought Wal-Mart to the city only a few decades back, features attractive tax breaks for the first five years of residence, a waving of existing zoning laws and a relaxing of tedious building permits and access considerations.

Durango has celebrities. Ouray and Crested Butte have some too. Crawford has famous residents. In Telluride everyone who has a post office box is, at least in their own mind, a celebrity. Why then, ask the commissioners, has Montrose been left out of all this?

“If we had just one authentic celebrity the others would come,” said one commissioner.

“This lack of sparkle, of luster is holding up progress,” said another.

When asked about the thousands of people who already live here who may be put off or even uprooted by the arrival of the rich and famous, the commissioners did not respond. Later one confided to the press that celebrity presence would raise the tax coffers significantly through an upturn in fan visits, positive publicity about the area and an increase in sales tax.

“If the longtime population shifts or even migrates we cannot be concerned. Progress does not come easy and we need to keep pace with the 21st Century,” said one commissioner. “Just imagine Tom Hanks or Bridget Fonda on a brochure with the Black Canyon in the foreground. Now who can say no to that idea!”

A plan to give tax incentives and other benefits to residents already paying the county’s bills was quickly voted down in the shadow of all the excitement.

– Kashmir Horseshoe