All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Highway Painting Sells For 3.1 Million
(Gunnison) A freshly painted stretch of highway between Sapinero and Cimarron has sold for an estimated three million dollars according to an asphalt broker here. The painting, completed on Thursday by elements of the Colorado Department of Highways, will be extracted before the weekend and replaced with a bare stretch of road until the highway artists can get around to repaving and repainting it.
The valuable piece, featuring a severe stark yellow on a black background is about 1/4 mile long by two car lengths wide. It features a constant dots and dash pattern with intermittent solid line superimposed at graduated and parallel points of the universe. Critics had predicted a positive response, reflections of the natural beauty of the countryside. It was always a popular hangout for magpies and other of mother nature’s janitors due to the proximity to a good bar and dancing magpies in the road every other Sunday when they got drunk
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HORSESHOE BREAKS TONGUE IN FISHING INCIDENT
(Colona) General Kashmir Horseshoe, 156, reportedly broke his tongue in three places while fly fishing the Uncompahgre River here it was reported today. According to the Ouray County Sheriff’s office the accident happened shortly after dawn. Although the report is sketchy at best several eye-witnesses gave this combined account.
“We observed a clumsy figure decked out in full military regalia descend into the river near Buckhorn Road at about 5:30 am. As he entered the water and began casting his fly rod about in a haphazard manner. Leaving the river to get his faithful mount he returned high in the saddle in his quest for breakfast. It was at the exact time that he landed a nice trout that his horse slipped and fell into the surging current.”
The witnesses admitted that they didn’t really see what happened next but it became apparent that the retired military officer was in trouble. One woman who came to his aid told reporters that Horseshoe’s line had somehow become firmly entwined around his sharp tongue and would not come loose. It was then that the break occurred. Fortunately there was not much line on the reel and his journey down the river was a short one. His horse, a less than gung ho buckskin gelding, was recovered, bruised but not shaken, down river near Delta that afternoon.
“He’s a resourceful old fart,” said another rescuer. “He began reeling himself in and avoided what could have been a disaster. He did, however, lose the fish.”
Horseshoe was cheated and released at St. Roscoe’s Hospital in Montrose. Doctors there confirmed that his tongue would have to be in a sardonic, vinegar-base splint for the rest of the summer. In addition he suffered a bruised ego and lost most of the hair on his left forearm. The better part of his brain will remain in traction for an undetermined amount of time.
A statement released by aides suggests that the publisher will not be able to speak clearly for at least a month but that he plans to go fishing again tomorrow since he’s already invested over two thousand dollars in flies.
“We in no way expect this accident to affect his ability as copy editor since his lips still move around quite freely,” said the release. “It’s just lucky that the line didn’t catch him around his skinny neck and pull him headlong into the waters, but it’s sad that he lost the fish.”
This is the second time in a decade that Horseshoe has suffered tongue breakage. In 2005 he was rendered unconscious after breaking the same fleshy muscular organ while negotiating the Headwall at Crested Butte. That injury, according to attending physicians, never really healed properly since Horseshoe refused to stop talking during his recovery period.
– Fred Zeppelin
Celebrity Shortage Spurns Action
(Montrose) Pointing to a shortage of celebrities living in Montrose County, commissioners here have decided to offer tax breaks and building incentives for bonafide celebrities who relocate here.
The initial blueprint, based on the master plan that brought Wal-Mart to the city only a few decades back, features attractive tax breaks for the first five years of residence, a waving of existing zoning laws and a relaxing of tedious building permits and access considerations.
Durango has celebrities. Ouray and Crested Butte have some too. Crawford has famous residents. In Telluride everyone who has a post office box is, at least in their own mind, a celebrity. Why then, ask the commissioners, has Montrose been left out of all this?
“If we had just one authentic celebrity the others would come,” said one commissioner.
“This lack of sparkle, of luster is holding up progress,” said another.
When asked about the thousands of people who already live here who may be put off or even uprooted by the arrival of the rich and famous, the commissioners did not respond. Later one confided to the press that celebrity presence would raise the tax coffers significantly through an upturn in fan visits, positive publicity about the area and an increase in sales tax.
“If the longtime population shifts or even migrates we cannot be concerned. Progress does not come easy and we need to keep pace with the 21st Century,” said one commissioner. “Just imagine Tom Hanks or Bridget Fonda on a brochure with the Black Canyon in the foreground. Now who can say no to that idea!”
A plan to give tax incentives and other benefits to residents already paying the county’s bills was quickly voted down in the shadow of all the excitement.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
GREEN BEER NO HELP WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTIONS
Health Claims Disputed
(Montrose) Green beer, often associated with non-sanctioned St Patty’s Day parties thrown by gentiles, offers absolutely no relief in the arena of erectile dysfunction and other related maladies as determined by a prestigious Hibernian disorder.
The colored beer, often seen as a crude offense (much like potato tossing and brick stacking competitions) by persons of the Irish persuasion is only cheap draft turned green by adding dye. It has no clear properties that might vaguely be considered beneficial to anyone, even livestock.
“In a desperate defense of the product we presume that the intake of enough of the stuff will create a feeling of light-headedness and in extreme cases temporary euphoria,” said Padriac McGinty, owner of The Freckled Druid, a traditional pub in Dublin. “However most people tend to throw up, wet themselves or pass out before that condition is achieved.”
According to endless disclaimers found on the side of mugs or pitchers, green beer has been found to have little affect on singing ability and could lead to drooling and stupidity. It has been linked to unsolicited rounds of barking and sudden attempts at flight. In addition, according to the warnings, the use of green beer as sun block has little consequence and regular use of the stuff can lead to chronic constipation in persons over 90. – Melvin O’Toole
PADRIAC AND THE DEVIL
In the days before modern court reporting, an elderly lawyer of County Kildare had a young servant named Padriac, who was endowed with a phenomenal memory. The old lawyer had good reason to be proud of Padriac’s amazing talent. His servant was able to sit in court and, at any point in the process of a trial, he could reel off every word of testimony that had transpired before. Padriac’s reputation was so great that his evidence “on the record” was accepted in any court in the county.
One day, the lawyer was in his study, contentedly smoking his dhudeen, when the Devil appeared.
“What do you want?” demanded the lawyer.
“I have come for Padriac,” was the answer.
“Ah, so it’s Padriac you’d be taking’, is it?” Well my fine Dhioul, I can’t spare him, so be off with you!”
“It can’t be helped achora,” said the Devil impertinently. “His time is up. And he’s losing his memory.”
“Come now, you’re a sportin’ man,” argued the lawyer. “I’ll make a little bet with you. If Padriac’s memory is failing, he’s no good to me and you can take him. Test the man, and if you can fool him, he’s yours. But if you can’t he stays.”
“Agreed,” said the Devil with a smirk and disappeared.
Padriac was in the field digging knassters, when suddenly the Devil appeared before him.
“Do you like eggs?” asked the Devil.
“Yes,” answered Padriac, and the Devil disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The following years, from 1840 to 1851, were hectic ones in Ireland. The potato famine caused untold misery. Then the old lawyer died and Padriac was thrown out on his own. After that came a renewal of “the troubles” with England and Padriac fought the British up and down the east and west coasts of his homeland. He survived many years of hunger, of wandering and fighting with little more than a few wounds. Finally, now silver-haired and bent, he settled down on his own piece of land.
One day while Padriac was cultivating a little lot, the Devil appeared to him.
“How?” asked the Devil.
“Fried”, said Padriac.
– Patrick Ireland
VIKINGS EXPECTED TO HIT THE BEACHES THIS WEEKEND
with Danny the Druid
If you’re going to the beaches on the Irish Sea and the North Atlantic this weekend be forewarned that hordes of Lothlanders are expected to be in attendance. These Norse revelers will be particularly bothersome at the resorts of Lindisfarne and Inis Murray despite the efforts of local monks who attempted to persuade these heathens to hit spots like Fort Lauderdale and Daytona Beach instead. Last year, in 795, partying drunkards burnt down Culumcille’s Iona and even the remote casinos at Skellig Michael were ransacked by the mobs. Residents of these normally peaceful burgs were roughed up, sometimes becoming prisoners in their own dwellings.
Despite the presence of emergency police units the madness continued. Earlier this season Danes from the northern lands trashed the pristine sands of such peaceful redoubts as Inisfallen, Bangor, Moville and Clonfert. Motorcycle gangs, rumbling with the blessings of Thor and Odin wrecked the boardwalk at Bridgid’s Kildare while driving their hellish mounts through the gardens of Clonmacnois and Patrick’s Armagh.
The Vikings, and sadly some of our own, known as the Irish-Danes, stride into the fray stark naked, red hair flowing, armed with sword and shield like the ancient Gaelic warriors of Caesar’s time. Many are victims of mushroom-induced heroism. Having no respect for authority they litter at will, spit on the street, double park their long ships and even fail to tip their hats in the presence of a lady.
Young women, and yes even young men, should be aware of the flourishing slave trade that may rear its ugly head by Saturday night. Last year blonde, gluttonous Swedes are said to have carried an estimated 3000 Irish children into servitude in the Great North. Looting, a popular form of entertainment in the early 9th Century is impossible to curtail as authorities can only sit back and watch as everything from ancient bronze chalices to the Book of Kells itself is carried off to the great halls of someone else’s Valhalla. One Kildare officer reported that the priceless Book of Durrow was used to start a bonfire at the main intersection of downtown Glendalough. These days Christians don’t burn books. Only barbarians do that.
It is hoped that by Monday things will return to normal as these demons from Scandinavia return home to their families and jobs, but what of next summer? What of next weekend?
That young punk William the Conqueror seems busy enough subjugating Saxon Britain but several of his junior officers have announced a rock festival, scheduled for the old Viking capital at Dublin for mid-October. Elizabethan carpetbaggers, at the urging of colonial interests plan a lumberjack festival in our virgin forests some time this fall. It has to stop if we intend to survive.
Although anarchy reigns on the coast there is some safety inland since the Norsemen do not seem interested in sacking that region. Unfortunately that safety will probably be short-lived, as developers, headed by the devil incarnate, Oliver Cromwell, plan a massive Victorian community east of the River Shannon. If we succeed in surviving this onslaught the Viking migrations will seem peaceful by comparison.
