GREEN BEER NO HELP WITH ERECTILE DYSFUNCTIONS

Health Claims Disputed

(Montrose) Green beer, often associated with non-sanctioned St Patty’s Day parties thrown by gentiles, offers absolutely no relief in the arena of erectile dysfunction and other related maladies as determined by a prestigious Hibernian disorder.

The colored beer, often seen as a crude offense (much like potato tossing and brick stacking competitions) by persons of the Irish persuasion is only cheap draft turned green by adding dye. It has no clear properties that might vaguely be considered beneficial to anyone, even livestock.

“In a desperate defense of the product we presume that the intake of enough of the stuff will create a feeling of light-headedness and in extreme cases temporary euphoria,” said Padriac McGinty, owner of The Freckled Druid, a traditional pub in Dublin. “However most people tend to throw up, wet themselves or pass out before that condition is achieved.”

According to endless disclaimers found on the side of mugs or pitchers, green beer has been found to have little affect on singing ability and could lead to drooling and stupidity. It has been linked to unsolicited rounds of barking and sudden attempts at flight. In addition, according to the warnings, the use of green beer as sun block has little consequence and regular use of the stuff can lead to chronic constipation in persons over 90. – Melvin O’Toole