VIKINGS EXPECTED TO HIT THE BEACHES THIS WEEKEND

with Danny the Druid

If you’re going to the beaches on the Irish Sea and the North Atlantic this weekend be forewarned that hordes of Lothlanders are expected to be in attendance. These Norse revelers will be particularly bothersome at the resorts of Lindisfarne and Inis Murray despite the efforts of local monks who attempted to persuade these heathens to hit spots like Fort Lauderdale and Daytona Beach instead. Last year, in 795, partying drunkards burnt down Culumcille’s Iona and even the remote casinos at Skellig Michael were ransacked by the mobs. Residents of these normally peaceful burgs were roughed up, sometimes becoming prisoners in their own dwellings.

Despite the presence of emergency police units the madness continued. Earlier this season Danes from the northern lands trashed the pristine sands of such peaceful redoubts as Inisfallen, Bangor, Moville and Clonfert. Motorcycle gangs, rumbling with the blessings of Thor and Odin wrecked the boardwalk at Bridgid’s Kildare while driving their hellish mounts through the gardens of Clonmacnois and Patrick’s Armagh.

The Vikings, and sadly some of our own, known as the Irish-Danes, stride into the fray stark naked, red hair flowing, armed with sword and shield like the ancient Gaelic warriors of Caesar’s time. Many are victims of mushroom-induced heroism. Having no respect for authority they litter at will, spit on the street, double park their long ships and even fail to tip their hats in the presence of a lady.

Young women, and yes even young men, should be aware of the flourishing slave trade that may rear its ugly head by Saturday night. Last year blonde, gluttonous Swedes are said to have carried an estimated 3000 Irish children into servitude in the Great North. Looting, a popular form of entertainment in the early 9th Century is impossible to curtail as authorities can only sit back and watch as everything from ancient bronze chalices to the Book of Kells  itself is carried off to the great halls of someone else’s Valhalla. One Kildare officer reported that the priceless Book of Durrow was used to start a bonfire at the main intersection of downtown Glendalough. These days Christians don’t burn books. Only barbarians do that.

It is hoped that by Monday things will return to normal as these demons from Scandinavia return home to their families and jobs, but what of next summer? What of next weekend?

That young punk William the Conqueror seems busy enough subjugating Saxon Britain but several of his junior officers have announced a rock festival, scheduled for the old Viking capital at Dublin for mid-October. Elizabethan carpetbaggers, at the urging of colonial interests plan a lumberjack festival in our virgin forests some time this fall. It has to stop if we intend to survive.

Although anarchy reigns on the coast there is some safety inland since the Norsemen do not seem interested in sacking that region. Unfortunately that safety will probably be short-lived, as developers, headed by the devil incarnate, Oliver Cromwell, plan a massive Victorian community east of the River Shannon. If we succeed in surviving this onslaught the Viking migrations will seem peaceful by comparison.