(Omaha) The United States gov’ment today announced plans to cut meat supplies in an attempt to lower the nation’s consumption of a food known to make people more aggressive.

The program, which identified carnivores as the culprits in most of the violent acts committed here, strongly suggests that meat control is overdue. Supporters of the move in Congress insist that people don’t need red meat everyday to survive.

“It’s one thing to possess enough red meat to protect oneself from protein deficiency but another matter when people’s freezers are filled to the brink with high-powered roasts and multi-clip flank steaks,” say the legislators.

Sources in Washington confide that while the gov’ment seeks to protect the personal rights of its citizens, as laid out in the Constitution and Bill of Rights, there are gaping holes between personal freedoms and burgeoning anarchy.

“We must tighten controls on meat laws and be sure that all meat owners/eaters are registered,” said voices in the above group. “That means a more responsible meat lobby, zero tolerance red flagging of felons and better record keeping at meat shows and in butcher shops across the country.”

Critics say that with its poor track record the gov’ment should not run anything except clocks, solar power, ferris wheels and downtown buses (the latter being questionable).

Many feel that if the gov’ment gets a foot in the door with regards to meat control now, future leaders may try to take the measure farther down the road, threatening their choice cuts. They say a well stocked freezer is a deterrent to an assortment of threats from within and without.

“In Europe they don’t eat as much meat and they have problems too,” said a meat advocate. “In South America people eat meat at every sitting if they can afford it and, with the exception of Colombia, Peru, Brazil, Argentina, Paraguay and Venezuela, violence has remained minimal.”

Despite warnings of further crackdowns, meat sales are keeping pace with weapons sales in 2013.

“We need tenderloin answers here and the feds throw us a bone,” stressed militant vegetarians gathered outside the White House this morning. “Meat is worshiped here and in many places around the world. We don’t see much changing with a lot of new gov’ment regulations. It’s all whitewashing on the cake.”

Still others have a different perspective.

“Meat is not the problem,” say slave-wage child care workers camped in the capital, objecting to further cuts in federal funding for mental hospitals. The mental health of our nation is at the rotten core. Professional psychiatric help is only available for the rich and for those who are really off the wagon. The needs of those in the middle are ignored as state and local governments do not budget funds to successfully fight these explosive problems.

“Our modern world is manic and we are in denial,” said one psychologist accompanying the protesting workers. There is no reason for Americans to assault a piece of red meat at every sitting, is there?”

“Our culture has become non-responsive to the people who created it in the first place. Mechanized robots and consumer zombies will not benefit from analysis. Yet fitting in too well in a society gone mad speaks volumes as to the sanity level of our citizens,” she continued. In short, she gasped, if we outlaw meat only outlaws will have it.”

“If you don’t believe the country is nuts just hang around a Wal-Mart parking lot, watch TV or listen to the right and left banter over our Dunkin’ Donuts mornings and Bud Lite afternoons,” she said. “Americans have come to accept all kinds of phony replacements for what was once real life. We expect simulated red meat to make its entrance if it hasn’t already.”

Ugly rumors that the gov’ment will also seek to cut testosterone levels was not confirmed at press time. Reacting to stats indicating that male violence accounts for 95% of the world’s woes, the feds see this maneuver as the number one objective.

Meanwhile a nation-wide bovine hunger strike creeps into its third day with cows refusing lunch and dinner until ranchers “get a little more creative with the pasture cuisine”. It is not clear if these developments are related in any way.

– Tommy Middlefinger


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