All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Paradise Copyright Contested
(Crested Butte) It appears that another nasty fight is in the wings regarding copyright violations connected to the use of the term “paradise”. The squabble centers around who, if anyone, owns the standard and how and if any restrictions can be enforced.
In Colorado alone over 2,000 locales claim to be “paradise” but most have never filed for the copyright. Here in the Slate River Valley, Crested Butte has been employing the name/identity since Chuck Wirtz was a boy. Now, due to newly introduced litigation the town may be banned from using the description.
Yesterday attorneys at Morstern, Hamill and Glick filed suit in district quart claiming that their client, Emil Turlo, of Maybell (Colorado) owns sole rights to the above said concept. Furthermore, they insist, communities and organizations currently infringing on his property are liable for fines and penalties so as to be determined by the findings of a judge and jury.
Turlo, a retired physician who once lived in Crested Butte, would not return phone calls because he is too old to operate the dial.
“Anyone can clearly see that Crested Butte, and not Maybell, is paradise,” said a BOZO member who pledged to fight. “We won’t take this matter lying down,” she said. “The matter has already been handed over to our attorneys. I can’t believe someone could be so self-absorbed that they would make a big deal out of this.”
The unidentified BOZO member then rushed off to oversee the construction of what has been described as a system of trenches, built around her home aimed at keeping local bears from peeing on her skunk cabbage and blue bonnet bushes.
In last night’s town council meeting a proposal that the town save attorney fees and let Turlo have the rights to paradise was vehemently shouted down.
“Why should we relinquish our right to the concept? Isn’t there something about grandfathering in the state code. We’ve been paradise for a long time,” explained one councilperson who favors a confrontation. “Can you imagine how much it will cost to print new stationary and ski brochures? What are we going to call Paradise Divide?”
Attempts to provoke a class-action suit against Turlo have yet to pick up steam. Many of the 2000 plus communities that currently use the term paradise have yet to reply to a questionnaire mailed out Thursday. At present legal funds have been collected at card tables from in front of the post office and private investigator has been hired to dig up some dirt on the 112-year old Turlo, who now lives over in Mack.
“It’s hard to find any dirty secrets since the man has not left his double-wide since 1973,” said the shamus. “We’ve interviewed everyone in Maybell and he’s as clean as a whistle. Besides, paradise is a state of mind and we’re not comfortable walking all over such an ethereal, delicate notion as this.”
Pro-paradise elements in the town say they’ll hire “other investigators if the present one doesn’t have the stomach for the work.”
Although Turlo can no longer use the phone, his attorneys say he is only going forward with the suit so as to ruin other people’s fun this summer. A pre-trial hearing is set for August 3.
Old General Joins Peace Corps
(Halifax) General Kashmir Horseshoe has reportedly joined the Peace Corps according to a report filed here Thursday. Close aides say the 147-year-old publisher “seeks to build up a little credit in the eternal lottery before he embraces the Strawberry Path to eternity”. Horseshoe’s first post is here in Nova Scotia where he will teach Commonwealth hockey fans how to sell newspaper advertising to sea gulls.
“It is the salvation of capitalism at the grassroots level,” said young Melvin Tool, a long-time whipping boy who will make the trek to Canada with Horseshoe. Armed with a breakfast machete and 50 reams of Canadian bacon, Tool will act s chauffeur while collecting puck samples.
If the impromptu team is successful in the said endeavor they will then secure porters at Pugwash and journey inland through New Brunswick to the St. Lawrence waterway. They will then begin the tedious search for mythical caches of rare Canadian lager, hidden from explorer, Pierre Gaultier “Mickey” de Varennes by Acadian folk hero Francois Labatts in 1707.
Synthetic Poison Ivy Produced
(Gunnison) Student scientists at Western State College have successfully created synthetic poison ivy (Rhus radicans syntheticas) in a secret botany lab in the high security basement of Taylor Hall. It is not known when or if the man-made plant would be introduced to the local ecosystem but a spokesman said the project had been undertaken during the winter so as to provide obvious options. Natural poison ivy does not flourish in elevations over about 6000 feet.
“We had to develop a particularly tough strain so as to ensure a thriving species up here in the Rockies,” said Dr. Augosto Paramus, a convicted hemp tiller sentenced to 20 years public service in the WSC Botany Department back in 1973. “Otherwise, what is the point in manufacturing the plant at all.”
Politically correct in 1911? Isolate Leper Till End
Pittsburgh, PA Lee Tung, the local Chinaman who is suffering from tubercular leprosy, has been taken to the municipal hospital, where he will live the rest of his life, isolated from the public. The Chinaman”s face is badly swollen, the ugly blotches mark his wrists and forearms. He contracted the disease eight years ago while on a visit to China. Dr. B.A. Booth, the city physician, says the leper will probably live four or five years. In the meantime the city will have to provide a home for him. During the warm weather he will live in a tent on hospital grounds, but before winter sets in a house of some sort will have to be built for him. The mayor refused a request made by citizens that the leper be killed by officers.
– From The Chicago Sun Times, May, 1911
Capsulized Angler Psychograph
It’s time again for all those anxious anglers to scurry all over our beaches and banks in search of the big catch. Since we all have to deal with their odd rituals it may help to classify these sportsmen by pattern of behavior and motivational structure. Once each fisherman is carefully placed in the correct category we can all relax and get a good night’s sleep once again. Pass the tarter sauce.
Quid Pro Cooler – This type of fisherman is only interested in filling up his cooler and getting back to the bar to watch baseball or bowling. He generally shows up on site with a cooler full of generic canned beer and becomes annoyed if he cannot immediately fill the space vacated by each beer with a cooperative fish. This kind of sportsman does not generally obey limits, sneers at game wardens, throws trash on the bank, snores when asleep, spits on the street downtown and may even be fishing without a license as we speak. But we suffer through a tourist economy here and we are happy to have him. Although he rushes off every morning before dawn in truth he’s a hack and cannot tell the difference between a slimy kokanee and canned salmon since his taste buds have been sabotaged by cheap cigars. Best way to deal with Quid Pro Cooler fisherman is to spike his salmon eggs.
Proverbial Troller – This creep prefers a boat so that no one can document his catch and release obsession. Expect to be subjected to foul language and a barrage of lies about how big everything may be. Often this fellow doesn’t even bait his hook and is convinced that it is more important to look good on the lake than to come home with a mess of trout. Eats smaller fish while no one is looking. His hushpuppies are always soggy and his filet knife is dull. The lies are bad enough but this kind of angler usually has bad breath to go with it but at least it keeps that fishy smell at bay. Use garlic marshmallows or baby grasshopper spit.
Fry Boy – This is the person who stands next to you urging you on. He has lots of advice about test line and spinning reels but he never rally gets near the water himself. Often prone to complain that ice fishing season is over. Big on corn meal and holding the net in expectation of that Mackinaw running up the bank. In addition to his next to new equipment this fellow is known to haul cookbooks, caste iron pans, table cloths and a tasteful center piece to the picnic grounds despite the complaints of other more hardy anglers. Despite his graduation from the late, great Botsie Spritzer’s Fly Fishing Academy this guy hasn’t got a clue but he sometimes has extra beer. Smoked sucker on the surface works best.
Femme Fishtail – Probably the most creative angler is the femme fishtail. She never baits her own hook and despite the fact that she knows more about fishing (from dad) than the boys, she plays dumb. Check out the high heel waders. She may be trolling for the Kingfish but the eager to please Minnow, already on the hook, will do for the time being. Notice that this fishing beauty never cleans or cooks either. She thinks fishing is stupid. She just enjoys flirting with the elements which includes any male within 100 yards. Good for her. She probably never even pays for her own fishing license. Trolling works best in murky waters. Use diamond necklace or pearls on #86 nylon test line.
Fly Fantasizer – This is the guy that stands all alone, down the bank, usually in an old trench coat, dark glasses and a dirty hat with lures attached. He scares the fish. He claims to tie his own flies but his fly is always down. Wears suspenders. Keep young children and small pets away from this guy. Not particularly olfactory in his piscatorial endeavors but always seems to be in the middle of the fish. His very presence suggests that maybe fishing is not a real sport after all. At home with carp. Often a high water daredevil, he’s the guy that’s casting while everyone else is filling sandbags. Bites on anything rescued from the local landfill.
– Small Mouth Bess
FARMER ACCUSED OF LEAKING AG SECRETS TO CHINESE
(Montrose) A Peach Valley agronomist is under interrogation by several federal agencies after being accused of selling agricultural secrets to the Red Chinese.
The allegations stem from fears that the Asian giant wants to shift from a rice economy to a bean economy and, according to an FBI source, emerge into a more formidable force in methane technology.
“Imagine billions of little methane burners running around with those coolie hats and water buffalo,” said one agent who has never been farther east than Kansas City.
Lawyers for the accused deny any wrongdoing took place saying that their client, H. Delbert Penrose, a lifelong resident of the Uncompahgre Valley, simply went to tea with two Chinese businessmen in Olathe on Friday. It was during that meeting that the subject of healthy beans and contour farming was discussed.
“He didn’t know he was giving away top secret data,” said one attorney. “He figured everybody knew how to raise beans and that his advice was in no way a breech in national security.”
Civil liberties interests have attempted to flank the feds by painting Penrose as a man just to the right of Paul Harvey.
“Mr. Penrose once told the entire Pea Green Grange Hall that he thought the Red Chinese were soft on Communism after soldiers failed to fire on demonstrators in Peking last month,” said an ACLU source. “Is this the kind of rhetoric one would expect from a spy?”
The suspect will be held over the weekend. The FBI has promised to water his crops until the matter is resolved.
Baseball Trivia
1. Who devised the first box score?
2. Who was the last baseball player to bat. 400 in the regular season?
3. Who pitched the only perfect game in the World Series? Who did it in the next decades against the Amazin’ Mets?
4. Who was the first player to wear a mitt?
5. Who managed the Cincinnati Red Stockings in 1870?
6. What town is located at the southern end of Otsego Lake?
7. Who has the highest career batting average?
8. Where and when was the first night game played?
9. What eight teams made up the National League in 1876?
10. What were the New York Yankees first called?
11. Who established the first All-Star game? Where?
12. What city originally hosted the present Milwaukee Brewers? What was the team’s name?
13. What is a merkle?
14. Who caught Johnny VanderMeer’s back-to-back no hitters?
(HINT: Batting against Carl Hubbell he once hit into a 500-ft. double play.)
15. Who was known as “Biscuit Pants?”
16. Who was the Snake River Valley League’s strikeout king in 1907?
( HINT: He won 36 games for a hopeless American League team in 1913.)
17. What four players made up the 1957 Cincinnati infield?
18. Who was “Old Tomato Face?”
19. What is Campy Campaneris’s real first name?
20. Who made up the starting nine for the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1950?
21. What do un coup sur and un circuit mean on a baseball field?
22. What team was originally named The Bridegrooms?
23. What were the Houston Astros called in 1960?
24. Who enjoyed talking to the ball on the mound in the ‘70’s?
25. What American League team was once known as the Broncos?
26. Who was the President of the United States the last time the Cubs won
a World Championship?
27. What position did Lyndon La Rouche play for the 1965 Students For a Democratic Society?
28. What pitcher hurled a no-hitter in 1970 while under the influence of
LSD?
29. What is Billy Martin’s least favorite candy?
30. Name the top five all-time homerun leaders?
ANSWERS TO BASEBALL TRIVIA QUIZ
1. Henry Chadwick, Editor of the New York Clipper
2. Ted Williams
3. Don Larsen, Jim Bunning
4. Charles Waite, first baseman for the Giants in the late 1800’s
5. Harry Wright
6. Cooperstown, New York – sight of the Baseball Hall of Fame
7. Ty Cobb: .367
8. Cincinnati, Ohio in 1935
9. Boston, Chicago, Cincinnati, Hartford, Louisville, New York, Philadelphia and St. Louis
10. The New York Highlanders
11. Arch Ward of the Chicago Tribune, Chicago
12. The Seattle Pilots
13. A mental error on the base paths named after New York Giant outfielder, Fred Merkle
14. Ernie “Schnozz” Lombardi
15. Lou Gehrig
16. The Big Train – Walter Johnson
17. Don Hoak, Roy Mc Millan, Johnny Temple and Ted Kluzewski
18. Gabby Harnett of the Chicago Cubs
19. Dagoberto
20. Gil Hodges (1B), Jackie Robinson (2B), Pee Wee Reese (SS),
Billy Cox (3B), Roy Campenella (C), Andy Pafco (LF), Duke Snider (CF), Carl Furillo (RF), Don Newcombe (P), Preacher Roe (P). Other pitchers accepted.
21. A base hit and a home run respectively in Montreal.
22. The Dodgers
23. The Colt 45’s
24. Mark Fidrych, Detroit Tigers
25. The Cleveland Indians
26. Theodore Roosevelt was President, William Howard Taft was elected in November of that year – 1908.
27. Any reasonable answer will do here.
28. Doc Ellis of the Pittsburgh Pirates
29. Reggie Bars
30. Aaron, Ruth, Mays, Robinson (Frank), Killebrew
