Old General Joins Peace Corps

(Halifax) General Kashmir Horseshoe has reportedly joined the Peace Corps according to a report filed here Thursday. Close aides say the 147-year-old publisher “seeks to build up a little credit in the eternal lottery before he embraces the Strawberry Path to eternity”. Horseshoe’s first post is here in Nova Scotia where he will teach Commonwealth hockey fans how to sell newspaper advertising to sea gulls.

“It is the salvation of capitalism at the grassroots level,” said young Melvin Tool, a long-time whipping boy who will make the trek to Canada with Horseshoe. Armed with a breakfast machete and 50 reams of Canadian bacon, Tool will act s chauffeur while collecting puck samples.

If the impromptu team is successful in the said endeavor they will then secure porters at Pugwash and journey inland through New Brunswick to the St. Lawrence waterway. They will then begin the tedious search for mythical caches of rare Canadian lager, hidden from explorer, Pierre Gaultier “Mickey” de Varennes by Acadian folk hero Francois Labatts in 1707.

Synthetic Poison Ivy Produced

(Gunnison) Student scientists at Western State College have successfully created synthetic poison ivy (Rhus radicans syntheticas) in a secret botany lab in the high security basement of Taylor Hall. It is not known when or if the man-made plant would be introduced to the local ecosystem but a spokesman said the project had been undertaken during the winter so as to provide obvious options. Natural poison ivy does not flourish in elevations over about 6000 feet.

“We had to develop a particularly tough strain so as to ensure a thriving species up here in the Rockies,” said Dr. Augosto Paramus, a convicted hemp tiller sentenced to 20 years public service in the WSC Botany Department back in 1973. “Otherwise, what is the point in manufacturing the plant at all.”