Capsulized Angler Psychograph

It’s time again for all those anxious anglers to scurry all over our beaches and banks in search of the big catch. Since we all have to deal with their odd rituals it may help to classify these sportsmen by pattern of behavior and motivational structure. Once each fisherman is carefully placed in the correct category we can all relax and get a good night’s sleep once again. Pass the tarter sauce.

Quid Pro Cooler – This type of fisherman is only interested in filling up his cooler and getting back to the bar to watch baseball or bowling. He generally shows up on site with a cooler full of generic canned beer and becomes annoyed if he cannot immediately fill the space vacated by each beer with a cooperative fish. This kind of sportsman does not generally obey limits, sneers at game wardens, throws trash on the bank, snores when asleep, spits on the street downtown and may even be fishing without a license as we speak. But we suffer through a tourist economy here and we are happy to have him. Although he rushes off every morning before dawn in truth he’s a hack and cannot tell the difference between a slimy kokanee and canned salmon since his taste buds have been sabotaged by cheap cigars. Best way to deal with Quid Pro Cooler fisherman is to spike his salmon eggs.

Proverbial Troller – This creep prefers a boat so that no one can document his catch and release obsession. Expect to be subjected to foul language and a barrage of lies about how big everything may be. Often this fellow doesn’t even bait his hook and is convinced that it is more important to look good on the lake than to come home with a mess of trout. Eats smaller fish while no one is looking. His hushpuppies are always soggy and his filet knife is dull. The lies are bad enough but this kind of angler usually has bad breath to go with it but at least it keeps that fishy smell at bay. Use garlic marshmallows or baby grasshopper spit.

Fry Boy – This is the person who stands next to you urging you on. He has lots of advice about test line and spinning reels but he never rally gets near the water himself. Often prone to complain that ice fishing season is over. Big on corn meal and holding the net in expectation of that Mackinaw running up the bank. In addition to his next to new equipment this fellow is known to haul cookbooks, caste iron pans, table cloths and a tasteful center piece to the picnic grounds despite the complaints of other more hardy anglers. Despite his graduation from the late, great Botsie Spritzer’s Fly Fishing Academy this guy hasn’t got a clue but he sometimes has extra beer. Smoked sucker on the surface works best.

Femme Fishtail – Probably the most creative angler is the femme fishtail. She never baits her own hook and despite the fact that she knows more about fishing (from dad) than the boys, she plays dumb. Check out the high heel waders. She may be trolling for the Kingfish but the eager to please Minnow, already on the hook, will do for the time being. Notice that this fishing beauty never cleans or cooks either. She thinks fishing is stupid. She just enjoys flirting with the elements which includes any male within 100 yards. Good for her. She probably never even pays for her own fishing license. Trolling works best in murky waters. Use diamond necklace or pearls on #86 nylon test line.

Fly Fantasizer – This is the guy that stands all alone, down the bank, usually in an old trench coat, dark glasses and a dirty hat with lures attached. He scares the fish. He claims to tie his own flies but his fly is always down. Wears suspenders. Keep young children and small pets away from this guy. Not particularly olfactory in his piscatorial endeavors but always seems to be in the middle of the fish. His very presence suggests that maybe fishing is not a real sport after all. At home with carp. Often a high water daredevil, he’s the guy that’s casting while everyone else is filling sandbags. Bites on anything rescued from the local landfill.

– Small Mouth Bess