FARMER ACCUSED OF LEAKING AG SECRETS TO CHINESE

(Montrose) A Peach Valley agronomist is under interrogation by several federal agencies after being accused of selling agricultural secrets to the Red Chinese.

The allegations stem from fears that the Asian giant wants to shift from a rice economy to a bean economy and, according to an FBI source, emerge into a more formidable force in methane technology.

“Imagine billions of little methane burners running around with those coolie hats and water buffalo,” said one agent who has never been farther east than Kansas City.

Lawyers for the accused deny any wrongdoing took place saying that their client, H. Delbert Penrose, a lifelong resident of the Uncompahgre Valley, simply went to tea with two Chinese businessmen in Olathe on Friday. It was during that meeting that the subject of healthy beans and contour farming was discussed.

“He didn’t know he was giving away top secret data,” said one attorney. “He figured everybody knew how to raise beans and that his advice was in no way a breech in national security.”

Civil liberties interests have attempted to flank the feds by painting Penrose as a man just to the right of Paul Harvey.

“Mr. Penrose once told the entire Pea Green Grange Hall that he thought the Red Chinese were soft on Communism after soldiers failed to fire on demonstrators in Peking last month,” said an ACLU source. “Is this the kind of rhetoric one would expect from a spy?”

The suspect will be held over the weekend. The FBI has promised to water his crops until the matter is resolved.