All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

Ghost of famous CB angler visits editor

(Crested Butte) Rudolph “Botsie” Spritzer came back last night. In an unannounced visit, the Little Captain himself showed up at the Horseshoe offices for a chat and a glass of dandelion wine. The former journalist and late fishing great, who passed on some years back, described heaven as being a place much like Crested Butte in July.

“We have meadows and creeks everywhere and deer to hunt and even kielbasa,” he said. “Everyone up here is fine. Lyle and Whitey and Tony and Pitsker are here. They all ended up in heaven, even me.”

Spritzer went on to say that although he missed his nephews and family, he was enjoying his afterlife.

“It never snows here and the wind rarely blows. The beer is cold and the pretty women like to listen to my stories,” he smiled. “I’m very tall here, my Croatian nose is smaller and my back feels better than ever.”

When asked how he managed to pay a visit to the earth, Spritzer said he traded a string of kokanee to the man at heaven’s gate for a 24-hour pass.

“I can only stay a few hours,” he explained. “I want to spend some time with my family in Gunnison,”

– Gabby Haze

“If one continues to talk around enough people someone is bound to write it down in some oblivious anthology which will then be stashed away in some lice-infested cellar beyond the furnace of literary pursuit.”

– from Mermaids in Fishnet Stockings, Testosterone Bros. Boston

Journalists wed at Coors

(Denver) Melvin O’ Toole and Belle McToole were married last night somewhere left of center at Coors Field. The happy couple were congratulated by friends and the 35,000 Rockies’ fans in attendance.

Immediately following the ceremony Mel announced that he would drop the O preceding his surname if his new bride would drop all pretension about the evening.

“I saw her eyeballing the young pitching staff they have out here,” quipped O’ Toole. “She has a wandering eye and a frightening sinker but its the knuckle curve ball that landed this sailor.”

Then, just as the couple had guzzled their third beer, O’ Toole (now Toole) was hit in the forehead with a line drive and required medical attention. After an instant replay camera was consulted it became apparent that Toole had not interfered with play and he was allowed to remain in the stands. Fortunately it was only a flesh wound and he was right back up at the bratwurst stand by the third inning. He plans to go on the DL list after the couple’s first spat, scheduled for October. 

(editor’s note: The Rockies’ relief staff took up a late hour collection and purchased a previously owned 4-slot toaster for the Tooles which will be presented at home plate at the end of the season.

Spatial Profiling Irritates Obese

(Malfunction) The nation’s “large” have filed a suit against the Malfunction Police Department claiming officers there discriminate against people of girth. The complaint details repeated occasions where police have pulled people over just because they are overweight. Attorneys for the corpulent say the practice of spatial profiling is to blame for the mistreatment.

“This is unconstitutional,” said Morgan Ample, of Fruita. “The cops are singling us out because we’re different. By percentage, plump people don’t commit any more crime than the skinny ones do, yet I don’t see the cops harassing them.”

“If I observe a 300-pound driver high centered on the highway I will damn well pull him/her over,” said one cop who asked not to be identified. “It’s a dangerous situation not to mention the wear and tear on the road. I have nothing against obese people of any race, color or creed, but when mufflers drag and set sparks along the asphalt I will swing into action.”

An official police department desk officer, weighing in at over 300 pounds, refrained from comment on the matter.

– Earl Macadoo

Pooper scooper factory relocates to Chihuahua

(Bisbee AZ) One of the region’s mainstay industries has moved its operation to Mexico leaving hundreds unemployed and the housing market jolted. Pete’s Pooper Products, maker of the popular Pete’s Pooper Scooper, opened for business this morning on a dusty back street in El Carrizo, about 200 miles south of Ciudad Juarez. Pete’s is the fifth small scale industry to relocate in the past year.

The decision to move was based on growing restrictions in the United States as well as the potential for higher profits. Already Pooper Scooper’s market value has jumped some 125 points on the stock exchange here on Brewery Gulch.

“Pete’s is an international corporation with loyalties to no nation or people,” said Pete Pecker, CEO of the firm. “Why should we deal with unions and the feds when we can move to Mexico and lowball workers there without all the paperwork?”

In addition to manufacturing lightweight, high caliber pooper scoopers, the facility will make an assortment of accessories used by many municipalities up north.

“People think of us as only producing the scoopers,” said Pecker, “but we also make paper removal products, print training manuals, and churn out parts such as replacement handles and the baskets themselves. When it comes to pooper devices and support products we’re big…Perhaps the biggest in the Western Hemisphere.”

Pecker said he plans to hire 200 more workers than he employed in Arizona.

Supporters of the flow of jobs to Mexico say new industries there will offer many Mexican citizens a chance to avoid the poverty that has been all too present since the arrival of Cortez.

“Besides, said one of Pecker’s associates, “Nobody up in Los Estados Unidos seems willing to do much besides sit at their computers or play the market anyway. Just imagine a world without pooper scoopers.”

Critics of the trend say the US cannot afford to lose jobs to Latin America and that the termination of manufacturing in this country will lead to a further demise of the blue collar culture.

– Rex Montaleone

For a related story turn to “Colorado Moves to Rename towns of Cortez and Chivington”

Namesake links to genocide appear to be the bedrock of the overdue restructuring.

Bus Politicians Says Noise

(Washington DC  —  Chamber Pot Calling )

A controversial bill before the House of Reprehensions could result in many legislators hitting the road. Bill 2016, sponsored by brothers Oral (Fizzy Party-CO) and Rectal noise (Unitarian-CA) calls for drastic house cleaning, including forced bussing of lawmakers and strict adherence to and compliance with the mandatory budgets imposed by a cross-section of single mothers.

“Everyone agrees that bussing was a ridiculous attempt at disparity that ignored the human factor,” said one Noise brother. Chiming in, Rectal agreed saying that over 35 senators and congressmen still on the job were the mindless architects of the plan to relocate students by bussing them all over hell in an attempt to level the educational playing field.

If passed, the bill would require all members of Congress to travel (by bus) at least 5000 miles per year outside the Millionaire’s Boys Club into harsh urban and rural realities of America. To facilitate smooth movement the congressmen would be bussed into these poor neighborhoods and housed in federal projects. In addition they would be required to survive on the challenging budget of a single mother living within these confines.

Following the development, more congressmen would be bussed to middle class neighborhoods and be forced to live on the budget of these often tragic, working poor who struggle to keep one step ahead of collapse.

“We hope that the exposure to real Americans and their daily struggles might allow our leaders to stop all the double talk, the lies, the juvenile campaigning and cultivate some compassion,” flexed one sponsor of the proposal.

Opponents of the bill threatened to filibuster until concessions are made. Most favor a watered down plan to limit forays into dysfunctional schools, crime infested neighborhoods and institutional poverty.

  – Zorro DesPlants

Ancient Chicken or The Egg Controversy Turns Ugly

(East Egg Yolk) What was once a friendly discussion as to the origins of a species has turned into a loony turf battle pitting armed gangs of bandy roosters bent on ruffling feathers, clucking away as to the beginnings of the speicies.

A historically conservative and hesitant agriculture corner has always remained off the grid when it comes to tedious questions and answers about origins, destinations and organic fertilizers The cyclical nature of all that grows and prospers has always dominated thought down on the farm, but now old wounds and resentments are forefront.

“These disturbances indicate much more serious cracks in the system,” said Isa Brown, a Rhode Island Red from Beak Peek Poultry in Pinkyville. “Frankly I’m shocked at the behavior of many of our birds. I thought they didn’t give a hoot about highbrow primitive theories and technical aspects of the order of evolution.”

With even the opinionated hen houses (read: female gangs) joining in the fray, turning over cars, starting fires, and refusing to sit for the long hours of incubation, they avoid direct conflict preferring to engage in a clucking guerrilla war. Already small cadres have left calling cards at grocery stores, fast food locations and petting zoos. These radicals are threatening to shut down the egg industry unless the grand question (chicken or egg arrival) is answered.

The two armed camps appear to be licking wounds this afternoon preparing for more disturbances after dark. Both groups are demanding that their school of thought be the acknowledged explanation for the arrival of the chicken or the egg . No chicken wants to hear from other chickens unless they are of comparable thought.

“One must understand that this ain’t no Penny Penny drama here,” continued Brown, face contorted, eyes in fear. We have surpassed the smoothing feathers phase, cackling for an end to the ancient controversy. “Ain’t nobody brooding with all these distractions. Consumers will be paying more for eggs unless there is some solution acceptable to all sides,” he winced. 

Hardboiled elements on both sides of the yolk claim that the only way to decide the issue is by force. They insist that the hapless chicken population would undoubtedly continue to wallow in ignorance unless jolted severely.

“This entire mismanagement of science makes us look stupid,” said Red Jungle-Fowl, a genetically altered  “I don’t recall this controversy rising with in the herds, primates or even the lizards, and we’re not asking the proverbial question as to why anyone (man or chicken) crossed any road. That’s another issue altogether,” he smiled.

An estimated 16,000 eggs have been peeled since the gangs charged out of the coop last year. Over 200,000 have been displaced and the troubles appear to be idling in the infant stages. Meanwhile principals complain that they are reduced to walking on egg shells.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Montrose Animal Control ampliará sus funciones

(Mack) La ciudad de Montrose ha anunciado planes para atacar a sus oficiales de control animal contra personas malas y enojadas, así como contra perros sueltos, este verano. La medida se ha tomado mientras el municipio maniobra para conseguir una mayor parte del pastel turístico. No estaba claro si se tomarían medidas para erradicar serpientes, zorrillos o marmotas agresivas en esta elevación.

      “Si alguna vez vamos a ser un destino turístico, como todas las demás ciudades que nos rodean, tendremos que hacer algunos sacrificios”, dijo Mel Toole, innovador del plan. “Claro, vamos a molestar a algunas personas de mala reputación y pisar algunos dedos de los pies, pero todo es por el bien de la ganancia monetaria, ¡así que está bien!”

      Tool continuó diciendo que los visitantes de otros estados y localidades no querían ver mucha gentuza deambulando por las calles, especialmente a media tarde. Un toque de queda inverso actual permite que las personas con “discapacidades faciales” salgan a la superficie después del anochecer y circulen libremente hasta el amanecer.

      “Claro, la decisión sobre a quién molestar depende de cada agente de la ley, pero ¿qué más hay de nuevo?” Herramienta (Tool, aka Toole) explicada. “Si este plan tiene éxito, podríamos considerar ampliarlo para incluir mascotas ruidosas y personas con malas actitudes”.

      Según una política anterior, los turistas podían quejarse de personas poco atractivas o ligeramente extrañas que paseaban por las modernas avenidas de la ciudad, pero en realidad nunca se hacía nada al respecto.

      “Solíamos arrastrar cochecitos ilícitos a los adobes después de repetidas quejas, pero regresaban a la ciudad antes de que oscureciera”, se encogió de hombros. “Con mi nueva norma ahora podemos retener a los transgresores por hasta seis meses sin siquiera un simulacro de juicio”.

      Hasta ahora ha habido poco revuelo por la nueva ordenanza, aunque algunas quejas han surgido, precisamente, de la comunidad empresarial. Varias industrias de talleres clandestinos han amenazado con presentar demandas quejándose de una fuerza laboral que pronto se agotará, mientras que un salón de belleza afirmó que la nueva ley sería el golpe final a una industria que ya es altamente competitiva aquí.

      “Quejarse de este nuevo plan es nada menos que confesar su implicación como delincuente de primer grado”, afirmó Tool con franqueza. “Oye, no hacemos excepciones”, enfatizó, curvando su inexistente labio superior y haciendo clic con fuerza en el talón de sus botas de soldado de asalto relucientes. “Ya se han puesto en peligro varios intereses tanto del sector público como del privado, ya que ni siquiera las personas dedicadas aquí en la fuente de energía municipal están libre de reproches”.

      Ya se han cerrado indefinidamente un establecimiento local de electrodomésticos y un periódico local, el San Juan Horseshoe, por violaciones flagrantes. Se advierte a los comerciantes que el personal de control de animales, curtido en la batalla, estará disponible después del fin de semana del Día de los Caídos.

   -Herradura de Cachemira