All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

OTRA DISCULPA DE GROPPO

Nos hemos cansado de extender estas disculpas estacionales a Groppo el Elfo y su batería de abogados, pero en el espíritu de las fiestas vamos a llegar al fondo e intentar calmar un poco las aguas una vez más. En primer lugar, dejemos las cosas claras. El breve artículo que apareció en la edición de noviembre sobre la herencia de Groppo fue, hay que admitirlo, de mal gusto.

Además, no teníamos fotografías del elfo con el ganado local, aunque nos habían asegurado que era así. Las huellas, como se ha visto, desaparecieron la noche anterior a que se cerrara esta edición y nos vimos obligados a sustituirlas por una historia sobre el muy difamado esfuerzo de despiojar a Spar City y algunas fotografías en color de Melvin Toole colgando luces de Navidad en una de nuestras muchas prisiones locales.

Las repetidas referencias al abuso de alcohol de Groppo se presentaron fuera de contexto para no poner en peligro la reputación de los ciudadanos locales que, en la mayoría de los casos, parecen ser capaces de soportar tres hojas al viento sin incidentes. Es cierto que la estatura física y la capacidad mental de Groppo son el resultado de su dieta a base de escarabajos bombarderos, Twinkies y hierba de pantano digerida mientras crecía en Kenner, Louisiana. Esta acusación se puede verificar hablando con la dietista del elfo.

Además, los intentos de la familia de Groppo de cobrar daños y perjuicios por esta publicación son infundados e ilegales. Nunca dijimos que su familia inmediata estuviera compuesta por drogadictos, solo que los habitantes actuales de su árbol genealógico eran drogadictos y adictos a sustancias. Tampoco dijimos nunca que fueran alcohólicos, ya que la mayoría son supuestamente borrachos encubiertos y su comportamiento público, aunque sospechoso, no se puede registrar.

No importa todo eso. Estrechémonos la mano y despidámonos como amigos, Groppo. Después de todo, en realidad no eres peor que la mayoría de nosotros, especialmente cuando te vemos a través del filtro color de rosa de la Navidad.

– Editor

Wordy Wisdoms

Gorgonized: “Gorgonized” means to have a paralyzing or mesmerizing effect on someone, usually through an intimidating gaze. For example, “She felt trapped and totally helpless in his gorgonizing stare”. 

The word comes from the Greek adjective gorgós, which means “terrifying”. In Greek mythology, the Gorgons were three female monsters with snakes for hair who could turn anyone who looked at them to stone. The most well-known of the three was Medusa. Even after her death, her severed head retained the power to turn people to stone which often got her into movie theaters and art exhibits for free.

Millionaire Christians Meet

(Ridgway) The first ever meeting of the Christian Millionaires Club was held here last night attracting an assortment of the righteous who have managed to acquire vast sums of money and now seek to nail down their eternal salvation.

Among the subjects discussed was the purchase of Ridgway Town Park, the termination of local liquors licensing, sending out mass mailings, a whitewashing of the town’s historic church and what to do with people who refuse to embrace their philosophies.

“If these pagan elements would simply open up to the bigger picture I’m sure they’d see the advantages of joining our cult,” said Charla Tinn a spokesman for the club. “We host hay rides, bonfires, book burnings and bring in lots of Christian talent. Let’s face it, we have all the money and will soon be having the only fun.”

Tinn, a former heroin enthusiast from Southern California, says she was saved on the street in Hollywood back in 1994. Thanks to a strong resolve and plenty of inherited family money she kicked heroin and found religion. She moved to Ridgway the next year.

“Our club is open to everyone…not just millionaires. Billionaires too are welcome to our ministry as is anyone with a missionary commitment, just so long as they can pay their hefty dues.”

Tinn went on to say that her membership saw no conflict in supporting the killing in Gaza and adhering to the Christian way of life.

“It’s either us or them,” she waffled. “Didn’t you ever read the Old Testament. Pretty bloody to be sure. I’ve got it here on CD in my Lexus.”

Following the meeting a reporter asked whether the late prophet Jesus Christ, the man whose philosophies the group claims to follow, could afford membership in their elite group.

“He probably could have joined but he kept giving away all his cash. Maybe we could find him a sponsor among our multitudes.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Hell Closing Doors

(Way Down There) Principal partners here have announced the closure of this 6000-year-old facility despite a hot customer base and predestined plans for expansion in the coming years. In a crisp statement, burned on the edges, the controlling factions in Hell say they have been running at a loss since many people stopped believing in such a concept back in the Sixties.

Where the poor souls, many linked to terrorism, will be located is anyone’s guess. Suggestions that they join relocated Guantanamo Bay detention camp inmates on Dick Cheney’s Wyoming Ranch was not taken seriously and could not be confirmed as of this afternoon.

The Gitmo prisoners were recently moved to the sprawling oilman’s land where they will be hunted this fall, despite the terms of the Geneva Convention, by the former vice-president and (hopefully) out of work GOP politicians.

Former GOP Congressman, Liz Cheney, who has come out in support of the Harris – Walz ticket, has gone to great lengths to distance herself from the resettlement.

“I already moved from Upton to Fort Bridger and I might end up in Utah or Idaho, if it’s not too liberal.” she joked.

Experts in industrial societies contend that these recent developments are not helping anyone. The arrival of more desperate souls is certain to fan the flames linked to the world refugee crisis, they say, “where a growing number of immigrants travel the globe looking for a place just to lie down”.

To further exacerbate immigration woes. Federal humanitarian aid in the form of folding money is no longer available as it was spun into hay when the gold standard disappeared one beautiful summer day long ago.

“The problem isn’t a dwindling customer base,” said one demon, “but rather the cost of doing business and the competition up there on earth. Global warming hasn’t helped either.

“The cynics be damned!” he continued. “Denial holds little water with the 500 fallen angels who are now pounding the pavement looking for work. I’ll tell you… the place is no fabrication I’ve been going to work there since the days of Saddam and Glocamora.”

The helpful demon went on to explain the difference between an angle and an arch-angel, a group to which he claims to belong.

“I’m not just an angel, I’m a fecking arch-angel,” he pushed, drifting into a definitive West Cork brogue.

In a related piece, longtime Allie of Hades, the Mafia has announced more lay-offs due to what it calls a soft economy. Many of those dismissed hope to start small businesses of their own or be absorbed by the government. 

– Ripple van Winkle

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” 

– Robert Heinlein

BLM Loses Keys to Gate

(Montrose) The Bureau of Land Management has apparently misplaced the keys to a security gate west of here fanning the flames of fear that the land inside may be up for grabs. The almost 10,000 acres, protected by the gate and almost 7,000 miles of fence, could fall into the wrong hands as soon as Tuesday.

     “The Mexican gov’ment has been eyeballing this little parcel since we stole most of the Southwest from them in 1850,” said Melvin DeGrasse Toole, veteran sage brush translator with the BLM. “It has been sending reconnaissance teams up this way disguised as farm workers for almost a century. They know our weak points.”

     Toole added that, in addition to the potential setbacks in the Manifold Destiny ballpark the region could come up short of deer and elk come harvest time.

     “Peoples to the south have always wanted to entice our deer and elk,” explained Toole. “It’s common knowledge that they have been coveting our elk since the Gadsden Purchase. As long as we are the custodians of the land we will fight to keep it,” he promised.

     It was not clear how the elk could have escaped due only to the keys being misplaced. Insiders at the BLM think rogue elements within the agency itself purposely left the gate open. Sources near the action suggest that jealous elements in New Mexico and Utah may well have been in cahoots with the Mexicans as well.

     Known communists are probably not involved in this caper but it is common consensus that it would be fun to imply such so as to throw off the media bloodhounds.

     “With the land gone what would we have to manage?” asked Toole. “The deer and elk never listen and the rest of the forest animals run away whenever we try to approach them.”

– Forest Grump

Montrose Man Talks to Potatoes

(Spring Creek UPS) Melvin B. Toole hasn’t been the same since the Spanish American War. Having been wounded and separated by his regiment at San Juan Hill, he claims to have survived three months in the jungle on a crop of Irish potatoes, which he mixed with various roots, berries and herbs plentiful in his tropical redoubt.

“I don’t know who planted the spuds but I’d sure like to thank them,” said Toole, who withstood the ordeal as a young man of 17. He has visited Ireland and Peru (where potatoes were first established) in search of answers.

“People just stare at me,” he whined.

Today the veteran is satisfied carrying on extended conversations with local spuds.

“I can’t really call them dialogues,” said Toole. “but one never knows what’s around the next corner. I just want to find some closure and all eyes are on me.”

– Princess Irm Peawit

“For fast acting relief try slowing down.”– Lily Tomlin