All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
METER READER BITTEN
(Special from The Montrose Looking Glass – January 10, 2015)
An unidentified meter reader suffered a series of bites yesterday while attempting to read a water meter. The victim, an employee of Tri County Water District, endured bits on the arms and legs in a vicious and unprovoked attack.
Police have arrested Herb Hemplestick, of 2933668294592744 Road, charging him with aggravated assault. The assailant is currently undergoing tests to determine some motive for his aggressive behavior. Authorities are not ruling out rabies, financial stress or mad cow disease in the incident.
The wounded meter reader, a part-time human from Olathe, is resting and recuperating at St Roscoe’s Hospital at Pea Green, where he flirts with nurses and looks out the window all day.
Attorneys for Hemplestick say their client is mad and should do time while the DA is asking for lenience since the attack may fall under the jurisdiction of the controversial Make My Day Law. The judge, who was absent for the pretrial hearing sentenced everyone to three days for insubordination and another week in contempt for throwing spitballs and chewing gum in court.
Sources at Tri County say they have cut off Hemplestick’s water at his residence and his commercial account, threatening his burgeoning sweet corn operation on California Mesa.
Hemplestick, who once played on the Uruguay National Football Team, sat visibly shaken in the penalty box, conferring with lawyers only when prompted. This recent episode represents Hemplestick’s second oral offense in the last 12 months. Readers may recall that was indicted for biting his longtime mailman on the top of the skull for no apparent reason back in April. – Dinty Moore
“Ward Cleaver invented polyester so that he could sleep in his suit.”
-Lumpy Rutherford
Land Trust Acquires Red Barn
(Montrose – Special from Vacant Lot Magazine – July 10, 2015)
The all-powerful Land Trust has purchased the now shuttered Red Barn Restaurant building on East Main here. Opened in 1967 it was the center of the town’s social heart.
Over 100 trees will be planted on the property surrounding the structure creating al natural plaza complete a small fountain and gold fishpond. The interior will house a museum dedicated to preserving treasures, junk and memories.
Losing a centerpiece like this hurts culturally as well as fiscally,” said Melvin Rothtoole, shade tree owner of all of the banks in the city. “First it was Hadley’s then the Arcadia Park followed by the DeJulio’s, Chipeta and the No Delay. The Larriat Lounge bit the bullet soon after as did Stockmen’s. And now this?”
Rothtoole declined to comment when asked where he bent his elbow these days saying that he often enjoyed lunch and a day game at the R & R
“Never mind about my routine. I don’t need the police farce hanging out waiting for me in the parking lot,” he smiled.
The museum will be free with a story (hard luck accepted). It’s mission statement, borrowed directly from the Red Barn’s posture and way of thinking, is to create loud fun, the kind of thoughtless mirth and joyous laughter missing in most of society today. – Kashmir Horseshoe
“If you’re gonna make an omelet you gotta break some legs.”
– Mario Echabarron, personal behavior specialist
Counties agree to cover mag-chloride damage
(Our Chemical Times – July 10, 2015)
Many Western Colorado counties, acknowledging the idiocy of spraying magnesium-chloride on dirt roads this summer, have agreed to pay motorists for detrimental effects to their vehicles.
They do so begrudgingly saying that they were only following orders.
The victims, whose cars and trucks not so slowly rot out from exposure to the chemical, can apply for the payouts in the appropriate county offices before October 1 to receive compensation. Despite countless washings and expensive treatments many never fully recover, the money might help ease the pain.
Magnesium-chloride is applied primarily to combat dust (and snow in the winter months). It has been proven effective in controlling these terrible evils that were once considered just part of living in Colorado. The chemical also kills flora and fauna along the highways. Other dangers, respiratory as well as dermatological, have yet to be determined.
“We think a mag-chloride salesmen made a fortune around here,” said one Log Hill Mesa man whose vehicles have been harmed several times over the past two years. And, of course, now that the counties have bought the stuff they have to use it or look foolish.”
Spreading, dropping, spraying, dislodging, planting and/or applying untested chemicals on the planet has never been a good idea according to scientists who called the chemical a potentially lethal one.
“That’s poppycock, said a spokesman for Summit County, where mag-chloride has graced highways for years. “Magnesium-chloride is no more dangerous than eating genetically modified foods from our friends over at Monsanto.”
Unlike the petroleum companies, the mag-chloride lobby is fledgling and does not have the power to whitewash disasters or negate accusations, yet. Although not one spill has occurred, even they admit that it’s early in the game. – Ripple Van Winkle
Maginot Line Will Tour Colorado in July
From You’re Only Ancient History – July 10, 2015
(Crested Butte) The legendary Maginot Line, thought to be impregnable by French forces prior to 1940, will visit this former coal-mining giant as part of a summer spectacular journey through the Rockies.
Joining the Maginot Line will be the upstart Siegfried Line, or West Wall as well as the stumblebum Hindenburg Line, a German forward defensive position built in 1916-1917 near Soissons on the Aisne.
What the three lines have in common is that none actually kept anyone out. The Maginot was flanked, the Siegfried deserted in the face of victories and the Hindenburg, despite spotty fighting, was lost to the Armistice signed in 1919.
Perhaps what continues to delight war historians is the failure of the Maginot Line, which proved worthless when the Germans simply took a shortcut through Belgium, going around the lavish defenses and marching on to Vichy Paradise.
Despite its link to the nation’s most devastating defeat in history the line still evokes a certain pride, a subtle patriotism. Discovered in a Paris garbage heap the Maginot Line in 1946 the landmark was cleaned up and put back together from pre-World War II maps and graphs. Its accompanying military fortifications Siegfried and Hindenburg have always been maintained and had only to be collected and shipped (pillboxes and all) to New York where the U.S. tour originates.
“The real draw here remains the Maginot,” said Entraylea Maginot, great-granddaughter of Andre Maginot the namesake of the inglorious ditch. “That’s what the people come out to see. It cost 3 billion francs just for the carpeting!”
The older Maginot, who, fortunately for his honor, passed on some eight years before the line’s ineffectiveness was brought to light by German generals in 1940, did not know either of the other lines. It is expected that they will all get along during the travels.
The Colorado Division of Enforcement and Tourism hopes that the inclusion of the tours and the sale of legal marijuana will increase tourism by 30% this summer. – Bambi Bumble
Dog Rental Biz Booming in Butte
from The Butte Beagle – June 25, 2015
by Estelle Marmotbreath
Everywhere one sees people walking dogs…All shapes and sizes of dogs…and not just in Totem Pole Park or Bad Dog Alley either but up and down Elk Avenue. Sometimes it’s tough to tell who owns whom or better yet…who is renting man’s best friend for the day?
Renting a dog is easy and fun A visitor to the town can hire an escort of sorts and better fit in to a place gone dog-happy decades ago. Today there are no less than seven dog rental agencies operating in Gunnison and Hinsdale Counties and all are anticipating a strong fiscal showing in the second quarter.
“Small, happier dogs are the rage now and should finish well into the next two month span. Seasons change along with trends which go a long way toward dictating behavior on the street,” said Dag Katz, owner of pioneer Doggie No Bite Canine Rental, recognized as the father of the dog rental profession. “We offer all sorts of dogs since the weather up here is very kind to them. No fleas either,” he said.
“Of course when winter returns we will be beset with requests for Huskies, Malamutes and a Saint Bernard or two…the usual large, snow maniac/fireplace decoration. We should be taking delivery on out winter line any day now,” he fretted. “I just hope they get the sizes and colors straight.”
The expenses mount up to include training, nurturing and grooming as well as feeding, shots, collars, dishes and kennels.
“A person can spend a fortune feeding dogs in the off-season,” but without a secure staff in place we cannot handle demand during the high visitor months. Our dogs are good,” he smiled.
After six weeks of stringent obedience school each of our canines earns an associate degree in hospitality studies from Western State. All have mastered hand gestures, travel in the rear of pickups, fetch, howling at the moon and sitting outside bars for hours waiting for the most important person on earth to emerge from his darkened hole.
Fees run from $200 per day for more exotic breeds while an average “townie” brings $25. All have grown up here under the harsh totalitarian leash laws, but otherwise stressless environs. Be advised: If you have your heart set on a Golden Retriever on a Saturday in the summer you had better book well in advance.
Most encounters are pleasant although Katz recalls an episode when a otherwise gentle male German Shepherd named Z-Max kept a family of 4 at bay in the entryway when it became clear that they had neglected to return from the restaurant with a treat bag for Z-Max.
“They could be there still for all we know,” laughed Katz. “Usually my dogs can sniff out a turkey in the beginning. Imagine the rudeness of returning empty-handed to the lair. I think Z-Max felt like a cheap time share.”
And now, right on the heels of advancements in dog hair repellent Katz has announced a new line of pooper bags that are purchased outright by the environmentally conscious consumer.
“They are made of strong, bio-degradable dog poop and we don’t want them returned to us,” said Katz, turning serious for a moment. – Felix the Cat
