BP given until 2039 to comply with environmental standards

(Bayou Debris   Canal Street Snooper —  August 10, 2015)

(New Orleans) British Petroleum “the scourge of the Gulf Coast” was granted a reprieve today in its attempts to skip out on financial responsibilities associated with the Deepwater Horizon oil spill of 2010, the worst in U.S. history.
The spill, estimated at 4.9 million barrels of crude, was capped 87 days later but not before precipitating an explosion and subsequent sinking of the primary rig 42 miles off the coast of Louisiana. The man-made disaster killed eleven people as well as uncounted marine animals and resulted in the mass destruction of the ecosystem.
After a series of plea bargains, British Petroleum, whose legend includes fracking and uniform disposal of democratically elected leaders in the Mideast, has won what appears to be “a great victory for fossil fuel research.”
Even though the company has been fined they will never pay what they owe, according to environmental lawyers.
“They will simply keep the matter in court until the issue cools off and the American people forget all about it,” said one prosecutor, reportedly sickened by the verdict.
Meanwhile British Petroleum has spent millions on “happy ads” showing that the quality of life has returned to south Louisiana due to the efforts of your friends over at British Petroleum.
“They actually found local whores willing to sell out their beaches and the future of their families for 24 pieces of silver. It’s far cheaper to produce lies on film than pay up,” said one activist who is calling for the life imprisonment of all top BP executives.
The length of the extension is the longest on record. The initial date for compliance was set at 2020 but the Environmental Protection Agency, crippled by recent budget cuts, decided to throw in an extra 19 years “as a gesture of good faith”.
One BP official welcomed the news saying that his company would probably cease exploration before that time anyway due to the expense of extracting oil and growing public anger and distrust focused on the petroleum industry.
“If we can hold out on paying these fines we can reinvest the money in burgeoning industries like munitions and genetically modified foods while we figure out how to fleece the woolies on solar, wind and hemp production.”
She said that “soon people would be eating oil and gas for breakfast” and that “our energy companies will again be in the forefront to providing that fodder.
“You need us. You’ll soon be thanking us,” she affirmed.
– Uncle Pahgre