METER READER BITTEN

(Special from The Montrose Looking Glass – January 10, 2015)

An unidentified meter reader suffered a series of bites yesterday while attempting to read a water meter. The victim, an employee of Tri County Water District, endured bits on the arms and legs in a vicious and unprovoked attack.
Police have arrested Herb Hemplestick, of 2933668294592744 Road, charging him with aggravated assault. The assailant is currently undergoing tests to determine some motive for his aggressive behavior. Authorities are not ruling out rabies, financial stress or mad cow disease in the incident.
The wounded meter reader, a part-time human from Olathe, is resting and recuperating at St Roscoe’s Hospital at Pea Green, where he flirts with nurses and looks out the window all day.
Attorneys for Hemplestick say their client is mad and should do time while the DA is asking for lenience since the attack may fall under the jurisdiction of the controversial Make My Day Law. The judge, who was absent for the pretrial hearing sentenced everyone to three days for insubordination and another week in contempt for throwing spitballs and chewing gum in court.
Sources at Tri County say they have cut off Hemplestick’s water at his residence and his commercial account, threatening his burgeoning sweet corn operation on California Mesa.
Hemplestick, who once played on the Uruguay National Football Team, sat visibly shaken in the penalty box, conferring with lawyers only when prompted. This recent episode represents Hemplestick’s second oral offense in the last 12 months. Readers may recall that was indicted for biting his longtime mailman on the top of the skull for no apparent reason back in April. – Dinty Moore

“Ward Cleaver invented polyester so that he could sleep in his suit.”
-Lumpy Rutherford