All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
BEHIND THE HEADLINES
(The San Juan Horseshoe takes you behind the headlines, where the light is bad and the letters are all turned around backwards. Press 6 to complete your mandatory elbow rubbing session with the senseless and vindictive media. Tip: Listen and watch your wealthy neighbors. They know what’s going on. Corporate Socialism for all!)
Rain Drives Revelers from Montrose Water Park
(Pomona Pacifier – August 25, 2015)
An immediate, and tumultuous thunder storm scattered party goers here Saturday as thousands ran for cover from the searing downpour, measuring .07 inches by the time the dust had cleared.
Many did not make it to dry redoubts before the penetrating sheets of water reached them. Hair, clothing and footwear suffered the brunt of the assault but even those prepared with umbrellas and raingear were pelted mercilessly as they cowered in apprehension of the tempest’s finale.
Standing shivering under makeshift stands and less than supportive cottonwood trees, the throngs thanked their lucky stars that they had managed to avoid what might have been a disastrous afternoon down by the mighty Uncompahgre River, which roared along sweetly as it has since before we came out of the trees. – Rex Montaleone
UPS Finds Civil War Vet’s Store Teeth in Discarded Shipping Tube
One day in 1867 former Confederate officer, Charles Lumber McQuirke of Hattiesburg, Mississippi thought he’d like to eat corn-on-the-cob again. That’s when he ordered the dentures.
Promised in six weeks by the railroad the false teeth never showed up and, since the arrangement was cash on delivery, McQuirke forgot all about the correspondence and bought a fresh set in Biloxi when he was in town for a veteran’s convention.
Now, in a peculiar brush with the past, the chompers have surfaced, apparently stuck between a crate of ax handles and a bag of caramels for almost 150 years.
“They look like new,” said a UPS clerk, who said they found a pair of Fujian boxer shorts from the Ming Dynasty just last week stuck to the back of a set of snow tires.
“I guess they qualify as an antique,” he said.
When contacted about the find, McQuirk’s nearest surviving relative Massy Heathrowe, 112, a multiple great-granddaughter, expressed alarm at the discovery.
“He passed 114 years ago, near as we can tell. Thanks for the return of what is now a family heirloom,” she smiled
UPS said McQuirke-Heathrowe would not be charged for delivery of the dentures.
“Whose teeth are these anyway?” she as overheard saying, shaking her head from side to side.
“She’s a little confused, said daughter Boreal Heathrowe-McQuirke. “When it comes to family or remembering to feed her piranhas, she’s falling off a bit.” – Alfalfa Romero
ISIS Pine Beetle Claim Dismissed in Denver
(Bug-Eyed Press – August 25, 2015)
Claims by Mideast militants that they are behind the pine beetle infestation in Western Colorado were written off by the governor’s office today as the plague goes on. Already more than a quarter of the states’ forests have been affected by the blight, the result of warm winter temperatures that allow the insects to proliferate and not freeze to death in the natural cycle.
Response by state agencies was quick and to the point.
“These ISIS bastards may have overrun a few goat camps but they haven’t the reach to nurture pine beetles much less deliver them in such great numbers that we have seen over the past three years,” said a gubernatorial extension release.
The spokesperson added that the beetle problem was not a problem in Denver since the smog kills them faster than they can multiply.
Meanwhile Western Slope malcontents continue to besiege the governor saying more should be done to control the beetle outbreak before it’s too late.
“Iraq and Syria used to be covered in pine forests before these ISIS sons-of-bitches got into the bug business,” stressed an unreliable source. “I am a retired tree surgeon who served in the Mideast and I know what I’m talking about when it comes to dates, tea and beetles.”
– Suzie Compost
Many high school seniors looking forward to retirement
(Waxed Academia Report – August 25, 2015)
(Gunnison, CO) More than 70% of high school seniors say they have retirement on the radar even though it would appear that most should be preparing for careers. These kids are reportedly pushing the envelope, already longing for the golden years.
Of 400 students interviewed, the majority expressed frustration with opportunities in the workplace saying the benefits were not worth the price of decades of labor.
“What a waste of time working when I could be hunting or playing golf,” said one young man who claimed he could retire in about 50 years. “Why make career plans when leisure time is just right around the corner?” he asked.
Sociologists conclude that the phenomenon is short-lived. It is said to be a normal reaction to the cold cruel world often faced between the teen years and earned departure from the daily grind.
Bible, Constitution Most Abused, Misquoted
(Wimpton) The Christian Bible and the United States Constitution rank first and second as the most manipulated of all known human documents, it was disclosed today.
Charlatan cherry pickers who lift passages out of context or time period, and politicians, who distort the basic framework to make their point, are the most destructive culprits. These purveyors of false information unscrupulously tamper with these honored credentials in order to control those of even less intelligence.
“We have a situation where fear, ignorance and misinformation have overlapped to create a sense of confusion and mistrust in the U.S. and throughout the world,” said a theological historian who has been collecting data on the subject since the 1970s.
“The only method to halt the spread of this polarizing propaganda is the development of an educated population which we don’t see happening at this time.”
BP given until 2039 to comply with environmental standards
(Bayou Debris Canal Street Snooper — August 10, 2015)
(New Orleans) British Petroleum “the scourge of the Gulf Coast” was granted a reprieve today in its attempts to skip out on financial responsibilities associated with the Deepwater Horizon oil spill of 2010, the worst in U.S. history.
The spill, estimated at 4.9 million barrels of crude, was capped 87 days later but not before precipitating an explosion and subsequent sinking of the primary rig 42 miles off the coast of Louisiana. The man-made disaster killed eleven people as well as uncounted marine animals and resulted in the mass destruction of the ecosystem.
After a series of plea bargains, British Petroleum, whose legend includes fracking and uniform disposal of democratically elected leaders in the Mideast, has won what appears to be “a great victory for fossil fuel research.”
Even though the company has been fined they will never pay what they owe, according to environmental lawyers.
“They will simply keep the matter in court until the issue cools off and the American people forget all about it,” said one prosecutor, reportedly sickened by the verdict.
Meanwhile British Petroleum has spent millions on “happy ads” showing that the quality of life has returned to south Louisiana due to the efforts of your friends over at British Petroleum.
“They actually found local whores willing to sell out their beaches and the future of their families for 24 pieces of silver. It’s far cheaper to produce lies on film than pay up,” said one activist who is calling for the life imprisonment of all top BP executives.
The length of the extension is the longest on record. The initial date for compliance was set at 2020 but the Environmental Protection Agency, crippled by recent budget cuts, decided to throw in an extra 19 years “as a gesture of good faith”.
One BP official welcomed the news saying that his company would probably cease exploration before that time anyway due to the expense of extracting oil and growing public anger and distrust focused on the petroleum industry.
“If we can hold out on paying these fines we can reinvest the money in burgeoning industries like munitions and genetically modified foods while we figure out how to fleece the woolies on solar, wind and hemp production.”
She said that “soon people would be eating oil and gas for breakfast” and that “our energy companies will again be in the forefront to providing that fodder.
“You need us. You’ll soon be thanking us,” she affirmed.
– Uncle Pahgre
Ute Shopping Trip to Montrose
Ute braves on a shopping trip to Montrose circa 1890.
Bear Evicted from Roubideau Canyon
Uncompahgre Plateau Shelf Life Times — June 25, 2015
Combined elements of the United States Forest Service and jump troops from the Colorado Division of Wildlife have successfully evicted four to six black bear who have been living illegally in Roubideua Canyon. Along with assorted dependents the bruins were driven from several second-story caves.
The canyon, located west of Olathe, has been a gathering place for the often troublesome bear for centuries.
“The presence of these predators threatens to tip the eco-balance in the region,” said one federal worker. “They don’t have any respect for our gentrified forests and routinely tear up aspen trees marked for harvest and knock trees over onto our manicured trails. They simply had to go.”
The now homeless ursine families are currently living in abandoned federal housing on the outskirts of Pea Green hoping to find longterm dwellings before the hibernation cycle begins again in November. Meals are being provided by the freshmen biology class at Police State College in Gateway.
The displaced animals cited an extended relationship with the country in question saying that bruin ancestors had inhabited the place for more than 1200 years.
Regional tourism touts intend to redevelop the canyon and eventually construct a simulated wildlife park where wild animals will be saved and protected for future generations.
“The place could use a new coat of paint and some carpet and we’re good to go,” said Efram Eater, a former university professor who heads up the park committee. “If we allow nature full control we will have chaos.”
– Gabby Haze
