All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Ridgway, Illinois Plans to Add “E”
This pleasant Gallatin County gem has decided to add the letter e to the official spelling of its name so as not to be confused with Ridgway, Colorado. Last night the Ridgeway council there voted 6-0 to add the vowel. Later the Republican council set August 5 as the date for the Democrats’ Chili Cook-off and Barbecue fund raiser in the town park. According to Democrats and the Farmer’s Almanac the first two weeks of August are the most likely time of the year for flooding.
In semi-related news, voters in Pankyville, over in Saline County, will go to the polls in a special referendum aimed at adding the letter s to its name. Residents there are said to be sick and tired of low rent jokes aimed at their village.
“The place was named for the leader of Our Gang, Spanky but fell into complication when people began dropping the s at the beginning of words like pneumonia or parsley, for that matter. “The fact that Stymie and often Farina, called our hero Panky has no bearing on this election.”
Readers may recall the final tally of a similar ballot held back in
December, when the town fathers and mothers of Ridgway, Pennsylvania renamed the place Ridgeway and then named it Ridgway back again while voters slept off a Christmas party. No other explanation would become available according to an official release. – Oral Waters
Ouray Making Fortune on Tourist Soup
(Dexter Creek) Progressive marketing icons in this landlocked county seat have developed a recipe for Tourist Soup, which is reportedly brewed daily in the town’s municipal swimming pool.
Every spring town workers clandestinely prepare the pool (or pot as they call it) for the arrival of the “soup meat”, or tourists, starting in June. The thermal waters must be monitored hourly to insure a proper heat is maintained. The vegetables must be smuggled in and distributed in the now murky broth then the spices and herbs must be added in just the right measure so as not to distract from or dominate the final taste and aroma.
Then the soup is trucked over Red Mountain Pass to be sold to brokers in Durango for distribution, mostly to unsuspecting Third Whirled Countries and Grand Junction.
Our cookie-cutter little tourist economy is nothing more than a front for this more lucrative operation,” said Jimmy Scoggins who has gone so far as to serve the soup in his lavish Ridgway hardware emporium.
“In rare instances a complete tourist ends up in the final concoction but we go to great pain to avoid this due to strict county ordinances on cannibalism, which he called reactionary.
The soup itself, canned under the jurisdiction of Alf Bisque, comes in a wide variety of flavors including Okie, Texan and Kansas Chowder. Gourmet versions are available using Californians and Front Rangers.
Authorities became suspicious last season after a Utah man reported several masked men dumping industrial loads of vegetables into the deep end after dark. He claimed that carrots, potatoes and onions were boiled live in the curdling waters in direct violation of another county ordinance. He shared his concerns with police and has not been heard from since.
“The soup cartels are making too much money for some nosy flatlander to ruin everything,” said a former executive now mouthpiece for the Vegetarian Curmudgeons, a militant garden club. “Just wait until the little ice climbers show up this winter. We’ve got to keep up with supply and demand and there are a lot of people out there who want more of Ouray than an RV slip and a personalized license plate.”
The entire episode appears earmarked as just another version of the same old story: “Cooking with a hundred is always more difficult than cooking with a few” Bon Apetite!
Green Lawn Key to Pearly Gates says Preacher
(LaPlata Purgatory Post — June 25, 2015)
People who maintain a nice plush lawn are more likely to get into heaven than folks who let their grass turn brown says Rev. Billy Dee Wannamaker. Speaking at the Blinding Restitution and Collection Plate Temple here Wannamaker, who has lived all but one day of his 57 years in Grand Junction, told a packed house “Green is good.”
“Why would God allow anyone into the Kingdom who couldn’t even take care of his lawn?” asked the reverend. “Think about it.”
Wannamaker’s sermons gained much notoriety back in the 90s when he successfully brought back a seeded lawn at Walker Field. In 1997 he directed what is now known as “the virtual miracle at Mack” where sagebrush was turned to sod before the eyes of the assembled.
He then sent Mesa County a bill for the water saying he owned the patent for irrigation systems in North America. Confused, frightened bureaucrats even sent him a check.
“That,” smiled one of the faithful, “was the Rev’s biggest miracle of all.”
– Fred Zeppelin
Master Race Planned for Utah
(Moab Monkeywrench – Deseret Edition — June 10, 2015)
The First ever Master Bicycle Classic kicks off this weekend near Canyonlands National Park. The race is expected to draw more than 400 participants and crowds numbering in the low thousands despite the raging heat.
Promoters told The Horseshoe that the race would bring $40,000 into the local economy. Not particularly anxious to elaborate, they concluded that since all the motels are filled and all the campgrounds overflowing “the event is a success before it even starts.”
If these people spend enough money we could shut this whole shooting match down until the fall when the temperature resumes a normal flow.
Melting bicycle tires and heat exhaustion are only a part of the fun according to an unidentified bicycle repairman.
“I have already sold 200 custom-made ice bag rubber insulators and it’s not even noon.” – Red Archer
The goddess named Sneffels
Mount Sneffels takes her morning peek over Log Hill Mesa in Ouray County, Colorado
