All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Yogi Berra Passes
It ain’t over till it’s over. Yogi Berra, one of the finest catchers ever to play the game died today at 90. His incredible twisting of the English language lives on…
Sheep Bites Should Not Be Ignored
(Ridin’ Round the Range – September 21, 2015)
A motherly ewe savagely attacked a friend of mine last Saturday night. The angry, ruminant animal bit him on the neck and hand before attempting to drag him off into the bush for dark atrocities we can only imagine. Fortunately the local women’s lacrosse team happened by and drove off the vicious wooly with a telephone pole, some discarded fireworks and a giant-size Dr. Pepper.
Some of you out there are saying, “Earl, don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” Ha! Tinhorns think of sheep as docile, grazing animals that are afraid of little dogs and their own shadows. This is far from the case. A mature ewe protecting its young or a ram out on a bender, when even slightly provoked, will take on anything from a coyote to a Chevy pickup.
My friend, the one who sustained the bites Saturday night, is recovering at St. Roscoe’s Clinic in the facility’s only bed. He says he’s learned his lesson about sheep. We’ll see.
Sheep attacks are up a whopping 45% from 2014, when zoologists began feverishly compiling data on the subject. Animal behaviorists blame the spike in violence on breakdown of herd values, absence of viable role models and impersonalization at the state and federal level. They say most sheep exhibit a general feeling of hopelessness and very little opportunity for betterment.
Stress has also elbowed its way into the picture since the price of wool has been sporadic (since the wool glut of 2009). Forced relocation to seasonal pastures has only thrown gasoline of the fire.
But lets not throw out the baby with the bath water here. There are still some good sheep out there. They are simply shouted down by the radical element bent on creating a wedge between herd animals and agriculture. One used to be able to drive through a herd on the highway without incident. Today you are subject to glares and catcalls.
Sheep in eight Western states must already declare residency and submit to urine tests but that may not be enough according to Melvin Toole, of the Department of the Inferior. “Cumbersome record keeping be damned,” he quacked. “This is the best way to keep a lid on things until we figure out a master plan. We’re good at master plans.”
More aggressive mouthpieces such as Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) say the military should bomb the offending animals.
“That’s how the feds solve problems,” said Cruz, who added that the Obama Administration was “soft on sheep. “Let these crazed creatures feel the wrath of our air force. We could just promise to keep collateral damage down and nobody would be the wiser.”
If a sheep confront s you remain calm and do not make eye contact or attempt to flee. Stand up to them. Flap your arms and puff up. This may either frighten the animals off or enrage it and culminate with a frontal attack. If you are traveling by car do not stop and get out near herds. The temptation to feed the cute little lambs may be strong but more than one camper has lost an arm or a leg to these suddenly savage even-toed ungulates.
Veterinarians say that sheep are reasonably clean animals and rarely carry diseases, however one does not know where they have been. The accepted treatment is as follows:
First: Remove the animal from the target area. Treat the bite, not the symptoms. Wash the area and apply disinfectant. Victims with allergies to wool should never be covered or the bites bandaged.
Second: The patient must lie quietly as bites like these often take up to six weeks to heal.
Third: If the victim is still alive after 48 hours he/she has passed the perilous stage and can be given solid food.
– Earl “Beefsteak” MacAdoo
Next time: Spotting and subduing carnivorous ptarmigans in the wild
Obama Blamed for Trump Success
(Hair and Mouth Gazette — September 19, 2015)
(Washington) House Republicans are blaming President Obama for their problems with Donald Trump. Saying that the liberal tendencies of the Chief Executive encouraged the New York millionaire to seek the Presidency, Divine Right congressmen such as Mitch McConnell say the entire Trump phenomenon is a part of a scheme to land America in the chains of socialism.
“Extremes attract extremes,” said the House majority Leader from the deck of his “bass boat” a 92-foot Monte Carlo sports yacht bought and paid for by an undisclosed oil company. “This Democrat will ruin the country for all of us.”
Charlatan maverick Ted Cruz echoed his distaste saying, “God told him Obama was the anti-Christ and Trump worked for Satan.” “Both Obama and Trump are Muslims and should be brought to heal. Trump seeks the Republican nomination so as to mask his socialist ties to Russia and Red China,” he affirmed. “When I am elected I will deport all of these terrorists.
Cruz, who we believe was born in Kenya….or…Canada, continued his attack on everyone else by saying that Trump, like Mitt Romney, Jeb Bush inherited his much celebrated fortune.
“I accumulated my money legitimately from friends in the oil business,” he explained.
From Shock and Awe to crash and burn? The GOP appears desperate to gain any momentum front, backwards or sideways. Attempts to shed the image of an elite, wealthy white boy political party have come tumbling down every time Trump stands behind the podium.
The Obama Administration had no comment expressing only annoyance that both Hillary and Joe have said nothing of substance while seeking the endorsement of the President.
Less renown House Republicans blamed Obama for global warming (which they deny) and upsurge of crime in the cities and tasteless tomatoes that illegally cross our southern borders daily.
In a related story construction continues on a great wall along the border with Mexico to keep immigrants out and ignorance in.
– Suzie Compost
Heads of Lettuce Score Well in Standardized Testing
(Denver – Green Garden-Grade Gazette – September 15, 2015)
Many varieties of lettuce continue to do well on standardized tests given by public schools all over the country and in Grand Junction. Chief indicators, aptitude and achievement tests, saw a marked rise in scores for Leaf and Butterhead lettuce, while Iceberg and Romaine strains did quite well in aptitude exams but finished lower in general achievement assessments.
Cabbage, measured by a completely different yardstick, fell somewhere in the middle range after data was analyzed. Evaluations of cabbage, as well as other prominent salad items, will be released Tuesday. Graphs, developed to determine if farmers deserve tenure or dismissal, suggest that the lettuce is coming in higher than 45% of the students undergoing standard exams.
The relentless pressure, to prove educational effectiveness in the classroom, caused many varieties of lettuce to prematurely wilt in the math and science segments. Red leaf and Oak Leaf fall into this category. Although tastier, these fluffier, often nuttier types are considered to be less intelligent and damned to the workaday world by educators. In short, they don’t test well.
Older cabbages did better than younger ones while shelf lives of Romaine and Butterhead could not compare to the performance of Iceberg in the crunch.
“Whether these tests chronicle knowledge gained over a period of time or are simply another whitewash job by your benevolent and federal gov’ment is up in the air,” said an originator of the California Achievement Tests.
The CAT, along with the Iowa Test of Basic Skills and the Metropolitan Achievement Tests make up the meat of the standardized testing administered today in our schools.
Calling the improvements a triumph for all vegetables the test maker called for more opportunities and options for students finishing toward the bottom of the grade scale.
“We’ve got to stop fooling ourselves and direct non-academic students into other functional and fulfilling fields,” he stressed. “These tests were never intended to uplift some and cast others into the cauldron of failure. We don’t project success in life with such a rigid schematic. Why do the schools?” – Rickie Recesse
Broncos to Play 2015 Season Without Balls
(Fumble Flats — Someday Soon Press — September 20, 2015)
The NFL Denver Broncos will take on seasonal opponents without Balls having waved Monte Ball this year and Lance Ball in 2010. The first Ball, from Wisconsin, was a high draft choice that didn’t work out while the second Ball, from Maryland, was signed as a free agent in 2010 and waved soon after.
Both spent quite a bit of time on the practice squad and consistently dropped in the depth chart until the separation became academic.
There is no benefit reading to this article in that it is simply a cheap attempt to play on words and names of players so as to create an attention-getting headline. This sequence would not even get past proofreaders at the high school level.
No further information was available as to the whereabouts of either athlete at press time. We wish them success.
Sneffels Bracelet by David Houtz
Look at this! The original Sneffel’s Range bracelet available at Rocky Mountain Jewelers in Ridgway
