BEHIND THE HEADLINES

(The San Juan Horseshoe takes you behind the headlines, where the light is bad and the letters are all turned around backwards. Press 6 to complete your mandatory elbow rubbing session with the senseless and vindictive media. Tip: Listen and watch your wealthy neighbors. They know what’s going on. Corporate Socialism for all!)

Rain Drives Revelers from Montrose Water Park

(Pomona Pacifier – August 25, 2015)

An immediate, and tumultuous thunder storm scattered party goers here Saturday as thousands ran for cover from the searing downpour, measuring .07 inches by the time the dust had cleared.
Many did not make it to dry redoubts before the penetrating sheets of water reached them. Hair, clothing and footwear suffered the brunt of the assault but even those prepared with umbrellas and raingear were pelted mercilessly as they cowered in apprehension of the tempest’s finale.
Standing shivering under makeshift stands and less than supportive cottonwood trees, the throngs thanked their lucky stars that they had managed to avoid what might have been a disastrous afternoon down by the mighty Uncompahgre River, which roared along sweetly as it has since before we came out of the trees. – Rex Montaleone

UPS Finds Civil War Vet’s Store Teeth in Discarded Shipping Tube

One day in 1867 former Confederate officer, Charles Lumber McQuirke of Hattiesburg, Mississippi thought he’d like to eat corn-on-the-cob again. That’s when he ordered the dentures.
Promised in six weeks by the railroad the false teeth never showed up and, since the arrangement was cash on delivery, McQuirke forgot all about the correspondence and bought a fresh set in Biloxi when he was in town for a veteran’s convention.
Now, in a peculiar brush with the past, the chompers have surfaced, apparently stuck between a crate of ax handles and a bag of caramels for almost 150 years.
“They look like new,” said a UPS clerk, who said they found a pair of Fujian boxer shorts from the Ming Dynasty just last week stuck to the back of a set of snow tires.
“I guess they qualify as an antique,” he said.
When contacted about the find, McQuirk’s nearest surviving relative Massy Heathrowe, 112, a multiple great-granddaughter, expressed alarm at the discovery.
“He passed 114 years ago, near as we can tell. Thanks for the return of what is now a family heirloom,” she smiled
UPS said McQuirke-Heathrowe would not be charged for delivery of the dentures.
“Whose teeth are these anyway?” she as overheard saying, shaking her head from side to side.
“She’s a little confused, said daughter Boreal Heathrowe-McQuirke. “When it comes to family or remembering to feed her piranhas, she’s falling off a bit.” – Alfalfa Romero

ISIS Pine Beetle Claim Dismissed in Denver

(Bug-Eyed Press – August 25, 2015)

Claims by Mideast militants that they are behind the pine beetle infestation in Western Colorado were written off by the governor’s office today as the plague goes on. Already more than a quarter of the states’ forests have been affected by the blight, the result of warm winter temperatures that allow the insects to proliferate and not freeze to death in the natural cycle.
Response by state agencies was quick and to the point.
“These ISIS bastards may have overrun a few goat camps but they haven’t the reach to nurture pine beetles much less deliver them in such great numbers that we have seen over the past three years,” said a gubernatorial extension release.
The spokesperson added that the beetle problem was not a problem in Denver since the smog kills them faster than they can multiply.
Meanwhile Western Slope malcontents continue to besiege the governor saying more should be done to control the beetle outbreak before it’s too late.
“Iraq and Syria used to be covered in pine forests before these ISIS sons-of-bitches got into the bug business,” stressed an unreliable source. “I am a retired tree surgeon who served in the Mideast and I know what I’m talking about when it comes to dates, tea and beetles.”
– Suzie Compost

Many high school seniors looking forward to retirement

(Waxed Academia Report – August 25, 2015)

(Gunnison, CO) More than 70% of high school seniors say they have retirement on the radar even though it would appear that most should be preparing for careers. These kids are reportedly pushing the envelope, already longing for the golden years.
Of 400 students interviewed, the majority expressed frustration with opportunities in the workplace saying the benefits were not worth the price of decades of labor.
“What a waste of time working when I could be hunting or playing golf,” said one young man who claimed he could retire in about 50 years. “Why make career plans when leisure time is just right around the corner?” he asked.
Sociologists conclude that the phenomenon is short-lived. It is said to be a normal reaction to the cold cruel world often faced between the teen years and earned departure from the daily grind.