All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Bank Backpedals on Popular Giveaway
(Manana) The Who’s on First National Bank will refrain from offering first-time customers cannabis products along with free checking and banking by mail it was disclosed today.
The ultra-popular program, a brainchild of pot entrepreneurs sensitive to fiscal blacklisting and financial harassment by the feds, sought to present marijuana is a more favorable light.
Bank offers expanding premiums no more
“We didn’t encourage anyone to light up in the lobby or operate motor vehicles under the influence,” said a former vice president who was “removed from his managerial position” by corporate bosses who live in backwater states where cannabis is still illegal.
In Colorado pot is as legal as the day is long,” said an attorney representing “elements” associated with the lending institution. “It’s also highly educational.”
Customers will have until the weekend to take advantage of the give-away with an assortment of edibles and teas. At exactly 5 pm a massive bonfire will be conducted in the parking lot so as to further comply with directives from up above.
A spokesman at the governor’s office laughed off the confrontation saying, ”As far as we know the substance is legal here and the bank has every right to give premiums away to its customers at its discretion.”
-Gabby Haze
Picnic News
Humans engaged in the tradition of outdoor picnicking this summer are warned to be on the lookout for illegal Ecuadoran monkeys making off with their goods. Unattended baskets, drinks, even cutlery are often the target of hungry, roving primates looking for easy prey.
And if the monkeys aren’t enough, the ant population has been busy massing for a final assault on outdoor eaters. The little insects are persistent and unafraid often making the feast a tedious experience with their constant crawling and snatching of edibles, especially sweets. The best way to avoid these creatures is to keep everything sufficiently covered and out of their path until dinner time.
Maybe a visiting relative can be put in charge of security. They can stand watch and perform other simple tasks as well even if they are from the flatlands. In addition, researchers have found that relatives are easier digested out of doors than in the confines of the family home.
Have a great time out there with potato salad and watermelon but always remember that the outdoors can present dangers unknown in the kitchen. Just ask the Cahone man who severed two fingers trying to open a plastic mustard jar up at Never Sink.
-Lourdes Parvenu
“One should never fall in love but rise to the occasion.” – Nancy Griffith
Driving privileges on Hwy 550 regulated by first ever state lottery
The Colorado Surname Alphabetic Highway Lottery has been implemented any day now due to motoring chaos on the antiquated byway of Highway 550, that runs from Montrose south to Bernalillo, New Mexico.
Persons wishing to use the road must do so only on the day stipulated by the first letter of their surname. At present names that start with A-F will be permitted on the highway while G-K will have to wait until Tuesday. Names beginning with letter L-P are looking at Wednesday travel and names that start with Q-S can drive on Thursday. Friday will see a smaller contingent of drivers whose names begin with T-Z.
Weekend jaunts will be determined by letters too but registered by the time of the day. For example, if one’s name begin with A-F he will have to travel between 7am and 9am while a special raffle will limit the T-Z grouping to 6 pm – 8 pm. Two-way drives and return trips will follow these guidelines as well. Hyphenated names and persons using aliases should ask their insurance provider before venturing out on their own.
CDOT computers on Confront Range, often determine traffic flow and illogical passing zones with no discernible geographic familiarity. Most, like so many from east of the Divide, never make it past Salida. Tourists, leagues of working persons and a burgeoning population of new denizens rely on the skinny road to get from place to place. Local residents in pursuit of services, not always available to them in their smaller burghs, join the parade, bringing about further consequences minus solutions.
“Even though it appears to be an intrusion of personal rights, state highway experts insist that in time it will create a much more pleasant experience for all motorists and fewer accidents and fatalities,” said Grendle Grasse, of CDOT and sponsors within the Western Slope salvage industry.
“It has come to this,” she added promising that the “sweepstakes” will run through Labor Day.
Of particular concern are speed traps at Dexter Creek and the Poor Farm, and the four-lane stretch along Colona’s skyline. Curves east of Eldridge and along the Uncompahgre northwest of Spud Hill.
“Many of our summer visitors are city dwellers used to four-lane roads,” added the above source. “They have trouble with our hick highways often becoming frustrated and making bad decisions. People are generally ass holes when they get behind the wheel so we must tailor our route to accommodate anti-social behavior and recreational vehicles too.”
A winter break in the action on Red Mountain Pass
“Used to be just Red Mountain, Molas and Coal Bank that presented classic fears but now it’s the whole shooting’ match,” barked one commuter who drives from Whitewater to Telluride five days a week for work.
Expanded law enforcement squads will be issuing summonses to anyone illegally driving on days other than his designated day. This includes bicycles and RVs but not horses or gelded and self-contained ORVs.
Persons who do not know their last names or have yet to master the alphabet can verify their status at one of the many checkpoints riveting the mountains and mesas of Region Zen. Bring your checkbook.
Sadly, many of the same persons who refuse to be vaccinated against Covid say they will not adhere to the restrictions in that it intrudes into their personal freedom.
Meanwhile rants emanating from the State House could be heard all the way to Silverton.
“Hey, it’s our damn highway and we’ll do what we want on or near it. If we can condemn land, reroute traffic, blow up canyons, lay meth chloride and patch spring chuckholes with black toothpaste then we can surely reserve the right to refuse service to anyone who is acting inappropriately —driving when it isn’t his day to drive.” said a canned statement in reference to priority criticism regarding the construction in Blue Creek Canyon in Gunnison County.
-Tommy Middlefinger
Gunnison’s rebranding as tropical paradise in hamper
(Ohio Park) Gunnison is a lot of things but one of them is not tropical. That’s what civic leaders here have discovered despite attempts to convince the public otherwise. Heavenly summer temperatures, indigenous trees and the threat of snow has taken the community out of the running for a tropical paradise.
Most people on North Main Street like it that way.
“We’ll never trade our summer weather and the winter really isn’t that cold anymore,” said a lifelong resident standing in the gourmet lunch line at Firebrand Deli. “Fall is perfect and spring den really sucks but we’re all right with the outdoor life.”
Gunnison’s Jorgensen Park in tropical attire. Who’s kidding who?
Attempts of fill in the often-lurking shoulder season may have been commendable but would never fly. Even the tourists can read a thermometer.
“This tropical business jockeying doesn’t even work in July,” said one rancher north of town. It just stresses out the cows.”
Sources in the travel industry agreed with the results of failed rebranding, reinforcing the stark reality that Gunnison does not have a beach, monkeys or even one palm. Mangos do not grow here and a person can get stuck in the snow all 12 months of the year.
“We have a nice town here and don’t savvy all these changes,” continued the rancher. “And there’s a ski area 30 miles away.”
– Estelle Marmotbreath
“Not only do these people not look at the big picture, they don’t even know there is a big picture.” – Melvin B Toole, on the subject of “those people”.
Talent scouts in Colona next week
Official Hollywood talent seekers are expected in Colona in the coming days looking for character actors or maybe just the perfect smile. Interested residents are urged to “be seen and act talented” during the course of events unfolding right around the corner. If chosen, the lucky pick could become an instant celebrity and join the ranks of the rich and famous.
Up until now nothing much looks different than usual in town although we have observed several residents retreating to the nearby mountains so as not to be swept up in the expected revelry. Tonight’s scene remains almost pastoral. A passing person wouldn’t know something so extraordinary was about to take place here.
A Montrose economic development artery has crashed the bandwagon, seeking a spring board for local stage artists. It is now calling the event “Roundup of the Stars”. Its often unreliable recommendations? “Be yourself and don’t be a poser”.
In continuum, those who wish to audition were advised on film protocol, supporting roles and the detriments of casting couches:
“Don’t all bunch up in the middle of town,” it reminded. Don’t spit on the street while on camera and be careful when crossing Highway 550.
“Riding in on a horse may be a definite asset since the Hollywood types are thought to like horses. Many think we still ride them for our daily transportation an marvel at our keen ability to operate motor vehicles. They strongly advise strict adherence to a classic cow theme — with a river running through it.
Just last week the same fame-hardened town of Colona booted a UNESCO committee that had eyeballed the burgh for inclusion on what many see as a prestigious roster.
“This designation is a curse and recipe for tourism disaster,” said one world traveler headquartered here. “Take breathtaking Cuenca, Ecuador* for instance “It was once a valid, real and stimulating place — before it got that United Nations heritage label and all. Now it attracts too many cell-phone, emailing, non-Spanish speaking idiots who have no connection and little familiarity with the particular site.
