All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Salem Fish Trials Causing Stir
(We join our piscatorial inquisition in progress)
Judge: So you say you are not and have never been a fish?
First Defendant: How come there aren’t any men up here accused of being fishes?
Bailiff: Quit the slime and just answer the question
Defendant: I am not a fish. I can’t even swim. The only reason I’ve been accused is that the neighbors think I’m weird…and I do cast spells on people and brew concoctions of black magic.
Judge: Enough! We are not here to dissect your social life or determine sexual preferences. We only want to know if you breathe through your gills or not.
Defendant: No. I am not a fish or even a reptile.
Judge: Burn her. Make sure the fire’s hot. Sometimes it’s hard to get these fish lit. Next…Hmm…I see here you have been accused of being a tuna. What have you to say?
Second defendant: I am no tuna. This whole mess can be explained. You see, five years ago I borrowed a gaffing hook from the neighbor and he says I never returned it. Then, when all this fish trial business started all the neighbors got together and decided to accuse me of being a fish, which of course is based on personal vendetta and has not an inkling of truth. Just because I don’t keep my lawn up to snuff, they want me dead. Therefore…
Judge: Silence! Are you or are you not a fish?
Defendant: No.
Judge: You look like a fish. Can you swim?
Defendant: Some but not under water.
Judge: How to you feel about evolution and the origin of the species?
Defendant: The E word is definitely not going on in the United States and the origin of the species, like everything else, comes wrapped in your grocer’s freezer.
Judge: How do you feel abut a side of hush puppies and slaw?
Defendant: I can tolerate them just so long as we’re not on the same venue.
Judge: Do you spawn?
Defendant: Well, maybe on the weekends but not…
Judge: Burn her. Now then, one more case and it’s time for lunch. Stand up wench. You have been accused of fishcraft. How do you plead?
Third Defendant: I am innocent. I am not and never have been a fish. I don’t like tartar sauce, spinning reels, worms or tide pools. I don’t even like to go to the beach. I hate jumping out of water without a wet suit and hate traveling around in schools. I may be an alchemist, ride around on a broom or wear a pointed hat, but I’m no fish.
Judge: Hmmm. You say you’re not a fish.
Defendant: That’s right.
Judge: Not a carp, or a catfish? Not a shark or a whale? Not a pike or a perch?
Defendant: None of the above.
Judge: Sounds fishy to me. Burn her and throw a couple of ears of corn on the fire while you’re at it. It was a busy morning but now it’s time for lunch.
continued on page 56
Democrats Concede 2022 Elections
(Washington) Politicians and voters linked to the Democratic Party have all but given up on the 2022 Mid-term elections according to a just completed poll.
Although reasons for this phenomenon are varied it appears conclusive that the issue rides on an inferiority complex linked to leaders at the top of the heap.
“If you can’t beat this gang of whackos in the GOP now what chance is there down the road?” said Ellen Chide, former campaign manager for a host of Democrats. “Maybe a clear message aimed at voters would help.”
Many American voters are left out in the cold by Democrats who appear lame and plagued by in-fighting. They appear to equate the party with big government and the same old song and dance. Apparently they see the GOP as populist and responsive although in reality it is racist and incompetent relying on sound bytes to stoke fears about immigration and right to choice.
“The Democrats are bumblers while the Republicans are flat out mean,” said Chide. “which leaves us with nobody in our corner.”
Mid-term elections, that historically favor the party out of power, often foreshadow which way the wind will blow two years later.
–Fred Zeppelin
Hordes expected for Spring Colors Week in April
(Lake City) Surging mobs are expected for the first ever Spring Colors observation, according to rogue elements of the local chamber of commerce. The celebration will center in but not be restricted to Hinsdale County.
A brainchild, hatched by well intentioned marketing wizards who shall remain blameless, as well as nameless, evolves from a desire to draw monied visitors to the San Juans at a slow time of the year.
“The thing is there are not really any colors to speak of but they hear the name Colorado and they pack the car,” laughed one longtime contractor. “You have your evergreens and usually snow and with blue skies and sunsets the concept is valid enough to exploit, if only on a trial basis.
Asphalt-Only Escorted color tours are offered to Ouray, Saguache, Creede and other hard-to-spell and/or pronounce locales. Several eateries including Lake City Cafe, Packers, Climb and Mom’s Fly & Bait have announced an extension of seasonal hours to accommodate warm and cold-blooded diners alike.
Just Say No To Colorado, an anti-development (and probably communist) faction has filed complaints targeting the move.
“You invite chaos,” it suggests, “only to inject a few tourist dollars into seasonably sluggish economy that surely exhibits the stark dexterity of a once-spry octogenarian crossing an angel hair tightrope in velcro irrigation boots. We have photos of brown. We have photos in black and white.”
As of this morning it was not clear if pro-spring colors groups would petition their adversaries to reconsider their position on the event or simply to go jump in the lake.
-Pepper Salte
“In Spain the dead are more alive than in any other country in the world.”
– Federico Garcia Lorca
Masks not politicized during Dust Bowl
(Amarillo, TX) Persons attempting to survive dust storms and choking here in the 30s did not discriminate when it came to wearing all sorts of masks for protection.
Masks were often employed during the Dust Bowl without mindless political ramifications.
“Nor did they differentiate when it came to breathing,” said Jerald Tinte, 86, who was 2 years old when the worst of the storms hit town.
The Dust Bowl, the greatest ecological disaster ever to befall the United States was part nature and part greed. Prairie grass thrives here, even with cyclical droughts whereas plowing the earth to plant wheat has been detrimental since plowed up soil blows away.
“Nobody’s saying these precautions are fool-proof but covering your mouth should always be an option, especially when it comes to circulating falsehoods and clinging to unsubstantiated opinions.” he said.
-Pepper Salte
GOP Gerrymanders Counties Back To Mexico
(Brownsville UPS) Unsettling rumors that abortive, paper Christian Texas lawmakershave returned at least 5 Texas counties to Mexico were confirmed this afternoon.
The accidental shift, an attempt to prevent people of color from embracing the power of the vote, was called “our mistake” by an embarrassed, yet continually ignorant class of politicians not seen since the Third Reich.
The counties shipped back to Mexico include Jim Wells, Dimmit, Willacy, Patricio, and western parts of Arnsas and Kleberg. All have had high Latino populations since the 1700s.
“We are certain that something can be worked out to alleviate this mishap,” said spokesman Rory Alamo, a non-elected official with impressive sway in the House. If not we’ll have to invade again. Remember Vera Cruz!”
The affected counties will have until January to legally respond to the changes. Residents there will most likely vote in a special election to determine future nationality. Will they stay in the US or join Mexico?
Nobody knows.
– Red Greene
“Fortune favors the already rich. If the peasants rises the wealthy will simply hire the Moors.”
– Roscoe “Chepe” Mola
Napoleon May Have Visited the Gunnison Valley in 1815
(Crested Butte) Deceased French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte may have visited the Gunnison Valley following his escape from exile on Elba and before his subsequent defeat at Waterloo on June 18 of that same year. On his way to Colorado in the company of French fur trappers from Quebec, the one-time Empereur des Francais may well have surveyed former French holdings recently sold to the upstart United States in 1803.
Emperor Napoleon takes a break during an early morning rabbit hunt in the spring of 1815. (Joachim Murat Photo)
The visit, allegedly in the spring of 1815, was an attempt to lay low before returning to Europe to raise another army and march on Paris, which had fallen to his enemies in 1814. The visit was a short respite from recent defeats at Oporto, Talavera, Leipzig and Trafalgar and the disastrous invasion of Russia in 1812 where only 20,000 French soldiers, from an original force of 550,000, survived the campaign.
The totalitarian leader is believed to have either crossed the still frozen Lake Huron with his entourage or to have floated the Missouri before marching overland and linking up with the Arkansas or the South Platte. The exact route is impossible to determine since log books were written in French. After reaching what is now Colorado he crossed the mountains and visited lands to the west of his former territory that still belonged to Mexico.
Crested Butte: Did Napoleon hunt here in the 19th Century?
Rare cave drawings depicting a sullen man in a tricorne hat with his hand shoved into his coat have been discovered near Parlin. Archeological digs on Tomichi Creek have netted naughty French calendars, discarded skin-tight white riding breeches, empty bottles of Champagne and several Since You’ve Bourgogne cookbooks believed to have been the property of the Emperor’s fur trapping party.
The trek, which was completed in early spring, would have put Napoleon in the north end of the Gunnison Valley sometime between 1:30 pm and 4:30 pm on May 12. After a few days of elk hunting he then proceeded southeast to New Orleans where he set sail for France.
“Had he been privy as to the outcome of the battle of Waterloo he might have stayed here in the Rockies,” added our source. “Arthur Wellesley (The Duke of Wellington) and Gebhard von Blucher, the renown Prussian general really kicked his ass on the battlefield there and he was imprisoned for the second time on the island of St Helena where he died in 1821.”
Born in Corsica August 15, 1769 Napoleon rose from obscurity to become one of the most successful and frightening military men on the planet. Despite well documented holidays in Egypt, Italy, Spain and Portugal and clear photographic evidence (see attached picture) historians, who probably still believe the world is flat, remain skeptical as to his visit to Colorado.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
