All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Rogue Herefords Turn on Rancher

(Ridgway) Dozens of renegade cows have turned on their master causing non-life threatening injuries and sending a frightening message to other ranchers in the region. The uprising, said to have been in the making since July, reportedly stems from long undressed grievances on the part of the herd, who say they are manipulated and do not share in profits from agricultural operations.

“He’s pretty shook up,” said a neighbor of Merv Ditchwater, who ranches up Cow Creek. He trusted them cows.”

Authorities expressed concern that the assault might be connected to international terrorism or to Mooists operating in remote parts of Asia. Both have threatened stepped up action with regard to alleged abuses in the cattle industry.

“Up till now we haven’t seen any similar activities on the part of goats and chickens,” said an Interior Department Official. “The horses are loyal, the pigs are in clover, the ducks are ducky…but we’re monitoring the sheep.”

Animal behaviorists contend that radical Woolyists, hiding among the confines of local sheep herds could try something as early as next week. The blame radicals and dry conditions for militancy within these generally docile ranks.

“You look at a bunch of grazing cattle and you see peace and pastoral bliss,” said Ditchwater from his hospital bed. “That’s what I thought too. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t been there and seen the anger, the brutality. I’ve had enough. I’m moving to Denver and getting a gov’ment job.”

Intercepted codes reportedly originating within banned sacred cow networks suggest that this is only the beginning.

“As of 8:35 this morning we have broken the code,” said the Interior official. It’s “AND THE COW’S IN THE CORN but beyond that we don’t have a clue.”

The official said he’s not worried since his agency has a bottomless operating budget and will continue to “push the envelope until the cows come home.” 

Consumer groups and drugstore vegetarians expressed concern that the gov’ment will take advantage of these troubles to further tighten the noose on personal liberties within the cattle population.

“Before long you won’t see a cow grazing without security personnel on duty. X-ray machines, loyalty oaths and expired visas will be a thing of the past,” said the source. “They might even have to take off their shoes at the airport or surrender their toothpaste.”

The ringleader of the attack is thought to be registered breeding bull from the provinces who goes by several aliases including T-Bone Gaza, which is the name on his student visa from cow school.

Citizens are asked to report anything suspicious in the pasture. Wanted posters, featuring a photo of Gaza, are expected to be on display in local post offices before long. 

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Last Leper Colony Closes Doors

(Wildhorse Creek) The last known leper colony in Colorado closed today due to a disappearing clientele and conflicts with local logging interests. Actually there were no lepers living there. A short ceremony was conducted without incident and the place was then abandoned.

This community of people suffering from the disease called leprosy was founded in 1843 buy Guy Ultimathule, a Norse seaman who contacted the disease himself in 1840. For almost 50 years the leper colony thrived despite the inability to grow much food. Water and game, however, were plentiful and the lepers were not particularly concerned with the scurvy.

Then in 1893 some of the more industrious lepers struck gold in their little leper fountain in the town plaza. They were rich and, in light of their close-knit society, so was everyone else in town. From about 1900 the lepers had been living a life nothing short of pomposity, their lavish lifestyle delving into the stark, lower reaches of narcissism. 

Most people in the surrounding communities were never aware of  the leper stronghold.  In recent decades the only contact was by beer truck drivers dropping off kegs of beer, Thursdays and Saturdays since 1953.

The colony was nominated as an historic place by the Colorado Preservation Society in 2007.     

’98 class reunion canceled

(Gunnison) A reunion of the class of 1898 has been canceled since all potential participants are no longer among the living. After repeated attempts to contact persons believed to have attended Gunnison High School during that period the organizers have given up.

“All we had to go on was a tattered list and a few songs and myths that have survived over the decades,” said one exhausted volunteer. “Although they had a written language and a slew of newspapers back in those days the information we sought was remote at best.”

Persons who might have graduated in 1898 would most likely have been born around 1880 which would make them 140 years old today.

“We found a few people in their early 100s but nobody any older,” said the same source. “It was a good idea in concept but in reality it fell quite short of the goal.”

The group has now focused on creating a class reunion for persons attending Gunnison High School from 1940-1970.

“We’ve found lots of these people still kicking around and have talked to many about attending our function,” said the volunteer. “The 1898 reunion would have been rather slow anyway. Sure, people are living longer these days but we were pushing the issue.”

“Still as the moon at Sligo or mad as monkeys in Bahia, satire is a delicate blend of knowledge accrued mixed with whatever you can create from thin air.”   

– Uncle Pahgre, in Writing Stupid.

Toilet Paper Giants Slated to Meet

(Montrose) CEOs from the nation’s ten largest toilet paper manufacturers are slated to meet here next month to discuss the future of the industry. Along with their extended entourage the visitors will bring along over 1000 support personnel. The economic impact is expected to be felt all the way to Colona.

Insiders told the local media that specific topics to be addressed at the summit would not be released and that the group was quite secretive with regards to its business. Preliminary crews should start to roll in by April. 

Bank Backpedals on Popular Giveaway

(Manana) The Who’s on First National Bank will refrain from offering first-time customers cannabis products along with free checking and banking by mail it was disclosed today.

The ultra-popular program, a brainchild of pot entrepreneurs sensitive to fiscal blacklisting and financial harassment by the feds, sought to present marijuana is a more favorable light.

“We didn’t encourage anyone to light up in the lobby or operate motor vehicles under the influence,” said a former vice president who was “removed from his managerial position” by corporate bosses who live in backwater states where cannabis is still illegal.

In Colorado pot is as legal as the day is long,” said an attorney representing “elements” associated with the lending institution. “It’s also highly educational.”

Customers will have until the weekend to take advantage of the give-away with an assortment of edibles and teas. At exactly 5 pm a massive bonfire will be conducted in the parking lot so as to further comply with directives from up above.

A spokesman at the governor’s office laughed off the confrontation saying, ”As far as we know the substance is legal here and the bank has every right to give premiums away to its customers at its discretion.”

-Gabby Haze

Picnic News

Humans engaged in the tradition of outdoor picnicking this summer are warned to be on the lookout for illegal Ecuadoran monkeys making off with their goods. Unattended baskets, drinks, even cutlery are often the target of hungry, roving primates looking for easy prey.

And if the monkeys aren’t enough, the ant population has been busy massing for a final assault on outdoor eaters. The little insects are persistent and unafraid often making the feast a tedious experience with their constant crawling and snatching of edibles, especially sweets. The best way to avoid these creatures is to keep everything sufficiently covered and out of their path until dinner time.

Maybe a visiting relative can be put in charge of security. They can stand watch and perform other simple tasks as well even if they are from the flatlands. In addition, researchers have found that relatives are easier digested out of doors than in the confines of the family home.

 Have a great time out there with potato salad and watermelon but always remember that the outdoors can present dangers unknown in the kitchen. Just ask the Cahone man who severed two fingers trying to open a plastic mustard jar up at Never Sink.  

-Lourdes Parvenu

“One should never fall in love but rise to the occasion.”   – Nancy Griffith