All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Walrus Stiff Found in W.H. Taft Grave
(Cincinnati) When cemetery engineers opened the grave of President William Howard Taft here, they found not the body of a 300-pound former leader, but the body of a deceased walrus instead.
The deceased former President
As luck would have it, Mr. Taft was nowhere to be seen, although his signature pocket watch was retrieved along with a 1939 Reds’ program autographed by Ernie Lombardi, Johnny Vander Meer and Bucky Walters.
The masterplan called for the obese Republican to be exhumed, his remains moved to afterlife digs at Arlington.
“These skeletal transfers often hold surprises as one might expect after almost a century in the soil,” quacked a nervous funeral director on site to oversee the operation.
During his life the portly populist got stuck in his bathtub requiring the assistance of at least six men to pry him from the porcelain clawfoot soaker.
“It was like dejavu backwards,” said one extractor, engaged in the much-heralded exhumation. “We needed a gantry crane to dislodge the decomposed animal, that had quite surprisingly remained intact.”
The walrus
The flippered marine mammal fit tightly in the casket just as Taft had upon his passing in 1930. The walrus is not indigenous to the Ohio River region or to any of its numerous tributaries.
“It probably swam over here from Kentucky,” tethered one grave digger, a little short on his geography.
Several rogue congressional sources suggested that the gov’ment dig up all previous presidents to see if other tusked creatures had been was buried with them. Mercifully, debate abated after it was agreed that the expense would be prohibitive.
“It would have been simpler for us to keep our traps shut and just move the Walrus to Arlington. Nobody would have noticed.” said one Buckeye.
– Gabby Haze
BIDEN MUST BE STOPPED SAY GOP BOLSHIES
Stalwarts of the failed Trump Presidency warned Americans that if Joseph Biden is not stopped we could end up with a democracy right here in the United States. Fraught and forlorn, these mulish enablers continue to harp along on fantasized election results, private reproductive rights, unhinged immigration and convoluted conspiracy theories sometimes more absurd and deplorable than their personal lives.
“The first time they accuse you or wrongdoings hold up the Christian Bible,” offered one recently elected vestige of the former non-administration. “If that doesn’t work hold up the American flag. If they still persist hold up a picture of Jesus,” she said obdurately.
Fred Cruz and Donald Trump pose with one cup of coffee moments before a recount of foggy tax returns, alleged embellishments and unsavory improprieties hit the fan at the Capitol yesterday
We enter the above statement as Exhibit A in the ongoing realty TV courtroom drama Supreme Quart Saints. — Proof that you can fool some of the people most of the time.
All discussion of the profitability of private off-shore prisons was tabled at the request of the residue-in-waiting (see photo).
Triple standard: Against black-hole giveaways to the poor who, oddly enough, are often their supporters, but favor tax advantages and gaping loop holes for the rich.
In a related development, The House is expected to pass an inglorious Game Show Host Exclusion Bill that could have far-reaching affects within the judicial and legislative branches of the government as well as the executive one.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“Every time you turn on your computer you surrender just a little more of what is human for finer-tip conveniences” – Uncle Pahgre
Speaker Toole Takes Mulligan For Remainder of 2021
Veteran after-dinner speaker Melvin Bedwetter Toole has been banned from the Top Hat Speaker Circuit it was disclosed today. Critics say that in 45 years and after over 200 engagements Toole never spoke one word. According to several depositions and other criminal complaints “he just drank, ate, drank and disappeared. Once, in Moline, he even threatened a Hessian doorman who sought to block his exit.
A former aerialist, Toole often performed high-wire stunts without a net during cocktails then clammed up after desert. He has clearly been “given wide berth” over the past few years since many people feel sorry for him and others just want him to go away. Most of our readers know he was raised by forest Democrats – doomed as a ragged wolf boy until missionaries rescued him at 8.
“Perhaps that it why he so ardently welcomes reintroduction of gray wolves to Western Colorado,” said one police official in Minneapolis who claims Toole grazed for thirds at a recent buffet then stiffed the benevolent association by escaping in a laundry hamper when no one was looking.
– Gabby Haze
“Just figure you’re being lied to.” – Gaar Potter, former reality television personality and advertising executive, on industry standards.
Colorado weather “Just too nice” say neighboring states
(Laramie WY) States bordering Colorado are up in arms over what they say are fraudulent weather patterns encouraged down in Colorado. Included in a hastily prepared class action suit are accusations of entrapment, extortion, water grabs and illegal baiting.
Oklahoma, Kansas, Wyoming and Nebraska are named as plaintiffs with Texas and Louisiana expected on board within hours, even though these two domains do not physically touch the Centennial State.
The suit demands that Colorado “stop hoarding the sun and use the alpine climate sparingly so that others may participate in the celebration of life.”
“We hate seeing skier sitting out on so many decks catching rays in the snow while we’re freezing in our horrid winters,” continued the grievance.
The court action calls for a sharing of natural resources, lucrative cash settlement and an assortment of retroactive damages such as the return of Kiowa County to Kansas and reparations for expenses incurred by law enforcement in the face of illegal cannabis transport.
The suit did not mention the occupation of Slippery Jim Spring by a Rock Springs gun club last month. The seizure of that popular lover’s rendezvous, coupled with the looting of Maybell’s main street art galleries, has left residents here steaming mad.
“Lots of people think Colorado is frozen from November too April but that isn’t true,” said Deb Moniker, of Western Colorado Ski Country “There are pockets and banana belts and Santa Ana winds and lots of sun. There are natural hot springs. A person could play nine holes of golf in the morning at Cedaredge then drive less than two hours up to Silverton and hit the slopes for the afternoon,” she explained.
“It’s just damn nice here 90% of the time,” said April Gunderson of the Montrose Economic Development Consortium. “So what if so many of our young people have to leave in search of viable careers, we’re building houses like mad and we have every chain known to man on South Townsend. If it wasn’t for the occasional cold snap we could almost be classified as Mediterranean.
Although threats of secession and tariffs have subsided in favor of a war of attrition, plaintiffs will find it difficult to harness such a diverse region.
“A siege of towns such as Lake City and Crested Butte could prove futile since invading infantries are caught short of breath, often needing oxygen to continue the assault,” said Gunderson, “and that says nothing of blockading the uncharted miles of irrigation canals and ditches that meander through the near-desert.”
It has long been known that flatlanders resent mountain folk for their sorrels and winter tans, thinking us “oh so special freeloaders living hand to mouth in their elastic bubbles, incapable of comprehending real American weather of the Plains.
Insiders say the entire legal battle is in retribution for the University of Colorado leaving the Big Eight for the Pac-12 years ago and barely-masked jealousy over “immoral marijuana laws that have generated a fortune in the Rockies.
– Betta “Pickled” Grouper
“You’ve got a heavy pouring’ hand, Maggie”
– Melvin O’Toole to bar maid Margaret Doyle, while enjoying a wee John Powers with his Guinness, Bankers Bar, Trinity Street, Dublin.
Tattoos Upon Tattoos
Fans of indelible body marks and pigment designs were overjoyed today with the news that they might soon exhibit new tattoos over existing tattoos. Called Upcycled Tattoos, these superimposed skin illustrations have been successfully plastered as proxies swathing and masking earlier surrogates.
“It is clear that the image areas on the average human body are limited in scope and size,” explained dermatologist Evelyn Grouper, who began testing the new technology back in 2010.
Tattoo can be defined as an evening drum or bugle, calling soldiers back to their quarters. The British extended the term to include displays of military personnel but that is not the kind of tattoo we want to talk about or even why we are here in this cutting edge capacity today.
Grouper warns that professional attention is imperative in the process of adding tattoos to this permanent modus operandi.
“Hey, in the skin game everybody runs out of room sooner or later. That said, one must work within the proper ink jurisdiction or the second coat could feel chalky and create another layer of unwanted texture,” schooled Grouper. “We must prime around existing art or risk flaking.”
Idiomatically the word Ta-Tu itself appears to be derived from Tahitian, Tongan and Samoan tongues.
“Familiarity with what can be a tedious process is crucial,” she continued. “We don’t want to cover up a van Gogh with a velvet Elvis here.”
-Tommy Middlefinger
“Look, I just was simply reaching out to my team.” – NY Governor Andrew Cuomo, employing corporate jargon in an attempt to save himself from charges of sexual miconduct in a toxic workplace.
WAS GOUT THE UNDOING OF THE BLACKFOOT NATION?
Called the dark toe in the Algonquian language, gout may have been the culprit in ravaging the Blackfoot Nation. Historians are correct to ascertain that measles and small pox were devastating to these plains tribes but most miss to contribution of uric acid to the formula.
Once linked to gluttony and drunkenness gout is now seen in a different light. The Blackfoot were not big boozers until the whites kicked them onto reservations. So why did they suffer from gout. Their Alberta cousins, the Sarcee, did not get the gout nor did many of their traditional enemies such as the Sioux. Although not contagious, the painful ailment follows protocol.
The Blackfeet, unlike centuries of European victims, exhibited no guilt as it wasn’t yet invented on the at least out here on the prairie.
“The Native Americans ate few processed foods, little sugar, but a “buttload of buffalo, and I ain’t talking western New York,” said Alberta Purinal, a leading dietician how has never had gout.
“Imagine this scenario,” she continued. A brave wakes up in pain after the Sun Dance. He goes to witch doctor who recommends ginger root extract, black cherries, couch grass and Boerhavia extract. When he asks where he can get these remedies the witch doctor simply flinches and days…maybe over in Canada.”
Confusion reigned then as it does today.
One Blackfoot elder tells us he traded three ponies for a vial of potion said to relieve the gout. It didn’t. They told me at the lodge fire to eat salmon but never tuna. Then later I was warned to eat only tuna and never salmon. I can’t remember the mantra: buffalo meat asparagus and berries or buffalo meat asparagus and berries…
-Fred Zeppelin
For a related piece see Dystopian Nightmares by Lizzie Borden, Testosterone Bros., Boston.
