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Local Health Inspector Hit by Gravy Train
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in Law and Order
Biden To seize Guns Thursday
But only from those who make over $250,000 per year
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In Retirement on the Half Shell
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Colorado Springs Ascends into Heaven
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Three Farcheezies Injured
(Montrose) Three of the four Flying Farcheezies were slightly injured when one end of their tight rope fell into the Black Canyon of Gunnison during a performance here. The Farcheezies, a Croatian high wire act with direct lineage to the Hapsburgs, were crossing the canyon on the said tight rope when the incident occurred. Guano Farcheezie, his brother Armando and sister Helena all suffered scrapes and bruises and were cheated and released at St. Roscoe’s Memorial Clinic.
The mishap was reportedly provoked by the actions of an over-zealous Forest Service ranger who noticed that the high gymnasts had not paid camping fees in the park since May 2. After several attempts to locate the Farcheezies she simply began dismantling their digs. Unfortunately the dismantling included the tight rope which was tied to a concrete picnic table. The ranger sustained minor injury as several chickens, roosting in Ms. Farcheezie’s hope chest, attacked her as she excited the encampment. The ranger, whose name was not given will be awarded for her dedication to her country with an administrative position in Green River.
Three members of the Four Farcheezies reaching out back in 2021
The Farcheezies told reporters that they were relieved that the story first broke in the San Juan Horseshoe since, like Saturday morning cartoons, it is rare that anyone is ever killed on one of that paper’s pages.
“If this were to have happened in one of the other papers we could have all been killed and/or our names misspelled,” crowed Armando Farcheezie.
The Farcheezies will travel to the Bland Valley on Tuesday to perform on a local news broadcast there.
-Ripple Van Winkle
Birds, Buses, Bars and a Basilica
Fresh Chismoso from Jardin, in Colombia’s Zona Cafetera
Wandering onto the panela park, pre-moonlight, watching the sun in retreat, a crusty old pastel star tonight, pink in the clouds and full of itself. Masked streets, faces lit up – plaza gawking — the cultivated art of doing nothing.
There sits Jorge, in front of La Tampa, a man who once drank 38 cups of coffee in one day, then just like that he quit the stuff. His wife said it made him jumpy. Now he walks the streets singing Tango and eating papaya.
Later my neighbor, who runs cows along the stone path to town was feeding bananas to his brahmas yesterday…and they couldn’t get enough. I’d never seen that. These bovines are treated very gently and do not shy away from a pet on the nose. So far he has not detected any desire on the part of the animals to swing from trees.
They all probably find foreign visitors here rather amusing, and why not? Many of the younger visitors cram 10 to a small hostel dormitory for less than ten dollars a night, buy an empanada, then spend thirty dollars drinking. No small accomplishment where two shots of anejo rum and two beers sets you back about five dollars.
There are not many gringos here since the town has only recently graced the world’s shallow compendia. The ones that do show up are generally seasoned even if hand signals are their major Spanish component.
On Sundays the campesinos that work the coffee fincas come to town. They are loud boozers with bad music blasting in the cantinas, but no altercations. One such worker asked me in English where I was going one day and I told him I was headed to church to pray for him. The next time he saw me he parroted my phrase, only he said he was going to church to play for me. I got the concept.
High up above town, at nearly 8000 feet, the Reserva de Orchideas beckons. Mangos and rain accentuate the green scene. Palms perch mixed with pine trees, monkeys, eagles, sloths, bears and pumas. These are joined by thousands of birds and a vast assortment of other mammals. Wild waterfalls abound along jungle paths and mountain vistas.
This afternoon I heard tell of a young man who wore so much cologne that his mother here in Jardin knew exactly when he left work in Andes on the bus (30 minutes away) and when she could start dinner. Tonight, he’s having chicharron with avocados, rice and fried plantains.
And if that doesn’t float your arepa, this morning the local loco ate all of the bananas I hung on the patio’s iron grillwork last night. When I gave him a bill for the fruit he said he would not pay since I taught his cats to understand English and undermined his feline authority.
He’s crazy but not stupid. What he doesn’t realize is that they are mad for cheese and olives.
-Miguel Manypenny
El FBI allana la casa de Cat Lady
(Colona) Esta mañana se está llevando a cabo un asalto combinado por tierra y mar contra una famosa localidad de la dama gato en el centro de Mañana. Como parte de la operación Feline Fandango, los federales asaltarán y pacificarán aproximadamente 400 reductos conocidos de mujeres felinas al oeste del Mississippi para 2022.
Estos cambios se han vuelto necesarios ya que la oficina local de Salud del Condado y la Sociedad Protectora de Animales no han estado dispuestas a ayudar a los contribuyentes del condado. Muchas de estas personas corren el riesgo de contraer una enfermedad séptica debido a los animales enfermos y no vacunados. La condición sigue siendo crítica en varias coordenadas a lo largo de la meseta de Colorado y en el Pacífico.
La incursión incluyó la captura de gatos machos locales, los culpables de la oscuridad en los límites de la población. Ninguna de las agencias con los labios apretados diría si una acción legal está entre bastidores, pero la demolición de adobes contaminados ya ha comenzado.
“La forma en que los equipos variados de mujeres gato han sobrevivido en condiciones tan horribles y deterioradas está más allá de la imaginación más enferma”, dijo un funcionario de salud estatal que exigió el anonimato.
“Las mascotas merecen tener una vida saludable”, dijo el funcionario de salud deshonesto. “Estas pobres criaturas están condenadas a una muerte prematura y todo a causa del retraso humano y la impactante ignorancia.
Una vez completada esta abrumadora tarea, los agentes del FBI comenzarán a desplegar fuerzas especiales de ataque náutico a lo largo de 1000 millas cuadradas del fondo oceánico de la plataforma continental. Su objetivo: la remoción de aproximadamente 44,000 toneladas de equipos de ejercicio desechados que actualmente están esparcidos por los fondos marinos cubiertos de sedimentos hasta las llanuras abisales.
-Dag Katz
BOOK BURNING MOBILE IN TOWN FRIDAY
(Montrose) Persons wishing to publicly incinerate books deemed to be dangerous or indecent are encouraged to meet the colorful mobile book burning entourage scheduled for a stopover here on Tuesday.
Seen as highly controversial in progressive circles, the effort tags only volunteer burnings and in no way intrudes on First Amendment rights according to the dedicated staff comprised of vocal and challenged icons and castaways from the accepted learning curve.
The 40-foot converted RV is equipped with 3 industrial brick ovens and outdoor barbecue apparatus designed to ignite even the most reticent of titles. It boasts of 200 security cameras, livestock racks, an antique henway flamethrower and 4000 television stations, the latter often prescribed as a substitute for book learning.
Our aim is to control the surge in liberal thinking that has led to our present state of affairs,” said a backup driver/philosopher. “We do not employ solar energy or recycle the ashes from the doomed anthologies since that is Communist.
Books that have continually survived the cut include the Bible and the United States Constitution, that admittedly none of these nomadic advocates of morality has read.
“We have enough to do driving around burning books without reading,” said the source. “Our fears were securely welded years ago despite a leftist drive to introduce compound sentences and hyperbole.”
“Well the scabs they run when they heard he’d come, and the bosses started to pray.” Willis Allen Ramsey in “A Boy From Oklahoma” (tribute to Woody Guthrie).
