All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

El FBI allana la casa de Cat Lady

(Colona) Esta mañana se está llevando a cabo un asalto combinado por tierra y mar contra una famosa localidad de la dama gato en el centro de Mañana. Como parte de la operación Feline Fandango, los federales asaltarán y pacificarán aproximadamente 400 reductos conocidos de mujeres felinas al oeste del Mississippi para 2022.

Estos cambios se han vuelto necesarios ya que la oficina local de Salud del Condado y la Sociedad Protectora de Animales no han estado dispuestas a ayudar a los contribuyentes del condado. Muchas de estas personas corren el riesgo de contraer una enfermedad séptica debido a los animales enfermos y no vacunados. La condición sigue siendo crítica en varias coordenadas a lo largo de la meseta de Colorado y en el Pacífico.

La incursión incluyó la captura de gatos machos locales, los culpables de la oscuridad en los límites de la población. Ninguna de las agencias con los labios apretados diría si una acción legal está entre bastidores, pero la demolición de adobes contaminados ya ha comenzado.

“La forma en que los equipos variados de mujeres gato han sobrevivido en condiciones tan horribles y deterioradas está más allá de la imaginación más enferma”, dijo un funcionario de salud estatal que exigió el anonimato.

“Las mascotas merecen tener una vida saludable”, dijo el funcionario de salud deshonesto. “Estas pobres criaturas están condenadas a una muerte prematura y todo a causa del retraso humano y la impactante ignorancia.

Una vez completada esta abrumadora tarea, los agentes del FBI comenzarán a desplegar fuerzas especiales de ataque náutico a lo largo de 1000 millas cuadradas del fondo oceánico de la plataforma continental. Su objetivo: la remoción de aproximadamente 44,000 toneladas de equipos de ejercicio desechados que actualmente están esparcidos por los fondos marinos cubiertos de sedimentos hasta las llanuras abisales.

-Dag Katz 

BOOK BURNING MOBILE IN TOWN FRIDAY

(Montrose) Persons wishing to publicly incinerate  books deemed to be dangerous or indecent are encouraged to meet the colorful mobile book burning entourage scheduled for a stopover here on Tuesday.

Seen as highly controversial in progressive circles, the effort tags only volunteer burnings and in no way intrudes on First Amendment rights according to the dedicated staff comprised of vocal and challenged icons and castaways from the accepted learning curve. 

The 40-foot converted RV is equipped with 3 industrial brick ovens and outdoor barbecue apparatus designed to ignite even the most reticent of titles. It boasts of 200 security cameras, livestock racks, an antique henway flamethrower and 4000 television stations, the latter often prescribed as a  substitute for book learning.

Our aim is to control the surge in liberal thinking that has led to our present state of affairs,” said a backup driver/philosopher. “We do not employ solar energy or recycle the ashes from the doomed anthologies since that is Communist. 

Books that have continually survived the cut include the Bible and the United States Constitution, that admittedly none of these nomadic advocates of morality has read.

“We have enough to do driving around burning books without reading,” said the source. “Our fears were securely welded years ago despite a leftist drive to introduce compound sentences and hyperbole.” 

“Well the scabs they run when they heard he’d come, and the bosses started to pray.”  Willis Allen Ramsey in “A Boy From Oklahoma” (tribute to Woody Guthrie).

Salem Fish Trials Causing Stir

(We join our piscatorial inquisition in progress)

Judge: So you say you are not and have never been a fish?

First Defendant: How come there aren’t any men up here accused of being fishes?

Bailiff: Quit the slime and just answer the question

Defendant: I am not a fish. I can’t even swim. The only reason I’ve been accused is that the neighbors think I’m weird…and I do cast spells on people and brew concoctions of black magic.

Judge: Enough! We are not here to dissect your social life or determine sexual preferences. We only want to know if you breathe through your gills or not.

Defendant: No. I am not a fish or even a reptile.

Judge: Burn her. Make sure the fire’s hot. Sometimes it’s hard to get these fish lit. Next…Hmm…I see here you have been accused of being a tuna. What have you to say?

Second defendant: I am no tuna. This whole mess can be explained. You see, five years ago I borrowed a gaffing hook from the neighbor and he says I never returned it. Then, when all this fish trial business started all the neighbors got together and decided to accuse me of being a fish, which of course is based on personal vendetta and has not an inkling of truth. Just because I don’t keep my lawn up to snuff, they want me dead. Therefore…

Judge: Silence! Are you or are you not a fish?

Defendant: No.

Judge: You look like a fish. Can you swim?

Defendant: Some but not under water.

Judge: How to you feel about evolution and the origin of the species?

Defendant: The E word is definitely not going on in the United States and the origin of the species, like everything else, comes wrapped in your grocer’s freezer.

Judge: How do you feel abut a side of hush puppies and slaw?

Defendant: I can tolerate them just so long as we’re not on the same venue.

Judge: Do you spawn?

Defendant: Well, maybe on the weekends but not…

Judge: Burn her. Now then, one more case and it’s time for lunch. Stand up wench. You have been accused of fishcraft. How do you plead?

Third Defendant: I am innocent. I am not and never have been a fish. I don’t like tartar sauce, spinning reels, worms or tide pools. I don’t even like to go to the beach. I hate jumping out of water without a wet suit and hate traveling around in schools. I may be an alchemist, ride around on a broom or wear a pointed hat, but I’m no fish.

Judge: Hmmm. You say you’re not a fish.

Defendant: That’s right. 

Judge: Not a carp, or a catfish? Not a shark or a whale? Not a pike or a perch?

Defendant: None of the above.

Judge: Sounds fishy to me. Burn her and throw a couple of ears of corn on the fire while you’re at it. It was a busy morning but now it’s time for lunch.

continued on page 56

Democrats Concede 2022 Elections

(Washington) Politicians and voters linked to the Democratic Party have all but given up on the 2022 Mid-term elections according to a just completed poll.

Although reasons for this phenomenon are varied it appears conclusive that the issue rides on an inferiority complex linked to leaders at the top of the heap.

“If you can’t beat this gang of whackos in the GOP now what chance is there down the road?” said Ellen Chide, former campaign manager for a host of Democrats. “Maybe a clear message aimed at voters would help.”

Many American voters are left out in the cold by Democrats who appear lame and plagued by in-fighting. They appear to equate the party with big government and the same old song and dance. Apparently they see the GOP as populist and responsive although in reality it is racist and incompetent relying on sound bytes to stoke fears about immigration and right to choice.

“The Democrats are bumblers while the Republicans are flat out mean,” said Chide. “which leaves us with nobody in our corner.”

Mid-term elections, that historically favor the party out of power, often foreshadow which way the wind will blow two years later.

–Fred Zeppelin  

Hordes expected for Spring Colors Week in April

(Lake City) Surging mobs are expected for the first ever Spring Colors observation, according to rogue elements of the local chamber of commerce. The celebration will center in but not be restricted to Hinsdale County.  

A brainchild, hatched by well intentioned marketing wizards who shall remain blameless, as well as nameless, evolves from a desire to draw monied visitors to the San Juans at a slow time of the year.

 “The thing is there are not really any colors to speak of but they hear the name Colorado and they pack the car,” laughed one longtime contractor. “You have your evergreens and usually snow and with blue skies and sunsets the concept is valid enough to exploit, if only on a trial basis.

Asphalt-Only Escorted color tours are offered to Ouray, Saguache, Creede and other hard-to-spell and/or pronounce locales. Several eateries including Lake City Cafe, Packers, Climb and Mom’s Fly & Bait have announced an extension of seasonal hours to accommodate warm and cold-blooded diners alike.

Just Say No To Colorado, an anti-development (and probably communist) faction has filed complaints targeting the move. 

“You invite chaos,” it suggests, “only to inject a few tourist dollars into seasonably sluggish economy that surely exhibits the stark dexterity of a once-spry octogenarian crossing an angel hair tightrope in velcro irrigation boots. We have photos of brown. We have photos in black and white.”

As of this morning it was not clear if pro-spring colors groups would petition their adversaries to reconsider their position on the event or simply to go jump in the lake. 

-Pepper Salte

“In Spain the dead are more alive than in any other country in the world.” 

– Federico Garcia Lorca

Masks not politicized during Dust Bowl

(Amarillo, TX) Persons attempting to survive dust storms and choking here in the 30s did not discriminate when it came to wearing all sorts of masks for protection.

“Nor did they differentiate when it came to breathing,” said Jerald Tinte, 86, who was 2 years old when the worst of the storms hit town.

The Dust Bowl, the greatest ecological disaster ever to befall the United States was part nature and part greed. Prairie grass thrives here, even with cyclical droughts whereas plowing the earth to plant wheat has been detrimental since plowed up soil blows away.

“Nobody’s saying these precautions are fool-proof but covering your mouth should always be an option, especially when it comes to circulating falsehoods and clinging to unsubstantiated opinions.” he said.

-Pepper Salte