Local Man Claims World is Round

(Geometrical-Metaphysics – Montrose, Colorado – March 25, 2015)
A 49-year-old Montrose resident is still missing after rocking the boat in this land-locked pea-port, by suggesting that the world is round. Insisting that the earth is not flat, Melvin Toole, a semi-retired utensil designer, originally from Paraguay, drew the ire of many pitchfork town folk here.
Many people cling to old beliefs, especially those that clearly discourage thinking or physical exercise.
Slamming theories that have circulated since Otto Mears built his first toll road, Toole made public his rambling hypothesis at a Wake Up Montrose breakfast held at Riverbottom Park last Tuesday. While many in the audience cheered, many stormed out of the park mumbling about blasphemy, witchcraft and paganism. Still others fell asleep in their picnic omelets.
Toole went on to describe the earth as a sphere that orbits around the sun the primary star in our galaxy. He disregarded the flatness theory stressing that “If the world was flat how did the Indians ever get to India, or Indiana for that matter?
“Earth evolved much like its future renters (inhabitants) and that these facts in no way conflict with Creationist teachings on the subject. If we could all just get along and realize we are all in this together we might be kilometers ahead.”
Toole concluded the three-hour lecture with a rousing rendition of “I’ll Be Around” then sped off in his chauffeur-driven surrey. His destination was never clear but followers say he had another non-speaking engagement with a fallen angel near the old coal stove in Ouray.
He never materialized and was reported missing the next morning. Police are taking a precautious approach so as not to concern themselves or others. Many privately say they hope another existentialist shows up in his place.
One citizen, who preferred to remain anonymous, since he was presumably anonymous in the first place, said that Toole had wandered too close to the edge of the earth and simply fell off.
Another thought he was probably pushed. – Muriel Axelrod