Designated Barbecue Zones Explained

(Montrose) In an attempt to reduce charcoal emissions in the Uncompahgre and Gunnison Valleys a strict design for designated barbecue days has been formulated for the good of us all. The system has been implemented  so as to check smoke pollution and encourage general safety around the grill this spring.

     This is how it works:

     Residents and visitors whose named begin with letters A – L will be permitted to legally barbecue on Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays, while persons whose named begin with the letters M – Z will be restricted to cooking out on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Sundays are open dates when everyone can barbecue since there is diminished pollution from commercial vehicles and industry in this fragile valley that day. The sponsors of this legislation acknowledged that the program limits the culinary enjoyment of the great outdoors but feel that cleaner air will result.

     “We suggest that the citizenry construct a simple chart that clearly defines legal days to cook outside,” said Evelyn White-Fumo, of the Colorado Clean Air Consortium in Boulder. “If the dates are marked in red there should be no reason for confusion. We even have little red pens to give away complete with our logo and an emergency number in case of problems.”

     The plan, called innovative by proponents and stupid by detractors is being enacted despite the failure of other similar programs. The pilot zone concept has worked well in the flatlands but never really took off at higher altitudes. 

     Fumo reminded armed backyard chefs to avoid cooking in the wind and to keep all firearms away from open flames.

     “It’s a cultural thing,” continued White-Fumo, “since the season up here is shorter and people feel the need to take advantage of the expanded light.” – Sergio Tinkleholland


(Gettysburg, PA) The Republican National Committee, searching for ways to defeat those Democrats in November,  has confirmed rumors that it will exhume the remains of Dwight D Eisenhower prior to its, next national convention. In what was described as a drastic step by political watch dogs, the Republicans will then place Eisenhower on the autumn ticket with George Santos as the likely Vice Presidential candidate. 

     Although revolutionary, the move is expected to increase the chances for a Republican victory in November. Behind closed doors GOP frontmen are uncomfortable with the term revolutionary since it frightens and irritates their corporate bosses. Most expressed no faith in the electability of anyone at this juncture..

     “Even if we nominate another TV personality the ticket would still lack credibility,” explained Melvin O’Toole, head carpenter of the 2012 platform. With Ike we have a proven winner who is respected and liked by everyone. I expect a lot of cross-over votes, especially in the senior citizen segment.

     Toole went on to say that just because Ike had been gone for many years didn’t mean he couldn’t effectively run the country.

     “Just look at Ronald Reagan,” suggested Toole, hammer in hand. “He ran the entire Washington circus for years with no visible life signs. He did a bang-up job unless you happened to be on the poor end of the economic scale. Wasn’t it Reagan that outspent the Russians, then exhumed the memories of Joseph Stalin and brought down the Soviet State!”

     Meanwhile the ghost of Richard Nixon (Ike’s VP from 1952 – 1960) has petitioned his old party to consider him for the top spot, saying that he was still in touch with Spiro Agnew, Henry Kissinger and all the boys from Watergate.

     “People forget,” said a spokesman for Nixon who demanded anonymity. Dick is here with us, at least in spirit.”

     A man matching the description of Nixon has been seen loitering around outside GOP headquarters here since early November.

     “If our plan works we can then run Calvin Coolidge in 2016. Now there was a man who could dazzle the voters,” he smiled.

– Warren Wanderlust

Filed Under: Lifestyles at Risk


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