Gunnison County Plans Volcanic Eruptions

(Crested Butte) County planners announced today that they would present a series of volcanic flare-ups this spring to help bolster tourism, which often decreases after ski season. The disturbances are tentatively set from May 15 and 16 during evening hours only.
Still seeking the cooperation of the USFS and the BLM, the planners tagged the Castle Valley Ridge and Wirtz Mountain as prime objectives adding that calderas near Taylor Park and the stone face Pappy Peak whose rough-edged demeanor is accentuated by lava fields and cauldrons resembling red bears in small circular eyeglasses.
Geologists are convinced that they can motivate the desired reaction by a simple geophysical insemination involving ancient Polynesia rites and applied chanting.
“We could probably make good use a few virgins too if you know any,” smiled Cap Yankovitch who, with several other WSCU graduates, built most of the local volcanoes back in the early 70s. “We’re chumming for ash and molten liquid to go with it. We’re waving red before the bull.”
The preliminary explosion of gas and lava is expected at about 11:30 pm on the 15th near Castle Mountain. Then at about midnight Wirtz should go off. Then all hell will break loose all along our little Avenue of Volcanoes, as they call a similar geometric field in Ecuador.
“By dawn we should have a steaming mess, said Yankovitch, “and money in the bank.”
Already leading Gunnison County tour guides have steamed into action confirming a strong market for volcano watching. The main tours, which include transportation by jeep, protective clothing, lunch and a free cocktail hour, are all but sold out.
When petitioned as to how these scientists would shut off the volcanoes after the show no one responded.
“We haven’t mapped that out as yet,” said Yankovitch. “I guess we’ll plug that hole when we come to it.”
Rumors circulating several taverns on Elk Avenue suggest that the volcano boys have purchased several large, industrial corks, which will be used to cap the eruptions at dawn each day of the performances.
“The timing here is optimum,” said another explosives expert. “We don’t want to just tickle these volcanoes. We want to make them mad enough to go off. Besides, we have the Arts Festival, the Wildflower Festival, Fourth of July, pro bicycling, free concerts, Vinotok and the KBUT Fish Fries already. Finding a free weekend when the volcanoes are at their prime is no easy street.”
Several promoters of the event have suggested that the lava flow may ease some of the tailings problems that continue to haunt the valley.
That’s bull shit,” said Yankovitch. – Melvin Toolini