New month, new day of the week proposed by feds

(Arlington VA) A brand new month and an eighth day of the week may join the other 12 and 7 respectively if a Congressional Committee gets its way. According to a group of veteran lobbyists opposed to Daylight Savings Time, official Monday holidays, nudie calendars, dysfunctional plastic wrap, digital wall clocks and termination dates on lunchmeat, victory is within sight.
These traditionalists are demanding a return to simpler times but say they need some expanded elbowroom to chart public opinion and implement restrictions.
“We’re looking to pass an amendment and be finished with all the cosmetics and disguises,” said lobbyists Peter Rabbit, who among his other duties serves as a twice-indicted strip mall preacher here on weekends.
The new day would be called “Unday”, a 24-hour period where citizens would not have to go to work but would be permitted to leave their homes. The new month “Bachtember”, is named for Bacchus, the Roman god of daily libations and weekend promiscuity.
Sources familiar with the ridiculous, told The Horseshoe that Unday would follow Sunday as a sort of buffer to the work week, while Bachtember would allow persons more time for annual harvests, fall colors, and add 4 more games to most college and professional football team schedules.
“We do not expect this shift to create problems like those imagined at the turn of the last millennium,” said Rabbit, nose a-twitching in apprehension of yet another attempt to harness time.
Proponents continue to insist that although the changes would be difficult at first, the majority of people would soon benefit after a short interval.
– Phil E. Buster