All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Ed Heads Commemorate Hero’s Passing

(Special from Crested Butte Bridal and Equestrian – March 25, 2015)
At least 400 of this town’s estimated 700 practicing Ed Heads turned out for a solemn procession today to mark the 35th anniversary of the death of Mr. Ed. A horse is a horse of course, of course but now the stable is empty.
All will miss the loveable, talking gelding. The cause of death, as reported in 1979, was mumps, which rarely affects horses. Attending physicians had expressed faith in an experimental drug that might have corrected the misguided vocal cords and ease pressure on the solid-hoof interface gallop mode that likely caused the animal’s demise.
Ed is survived by his caretakers, Wilbur and Carol, and a host of pretty ponies from Hollywood to Holyoke. He will always be remembered for his confident, bellowing voice and his phone skills. His romances with such starlets as Black Beauty, (National) Velvet and the Tennessee Mare were the talk of the corral for decades.
The memorial procession is slated to start at the Eldo, go to the Talk of the Town (one of Mr. Ed’s favorites when he was in town) then culminate at Kochevar’s Ballroom for an intimate dinner of oats and hay.
Ed could not be buried at the Crested Butte Cemetery because he was too big.
In one last attempt to honor the fallen hero KBUT will refrain from running old Mr. Ed episodes until at least the weekend. Anyone wishing to purchase drinks for Mr. Ed or any of the Ed Heads should just show up. Persons seeking Mr. Ed memorabilia should talk to any local retailer.
– Fred Zeppelin

Tonto Quits

(TANTO TEMPO, MARCH 25, 2015)
The renowned crime fighting duo, (and particularly popular local heroes) the Lone Ranger and Tonto are calling it curtains after almost a century riding together.
Tonto, the generally trusted Native American friend of the Lone Ranger, aka Masked Man, was reportedly the one who initiated the split. The famed side-kick will be leaving the team to open a national fast food franchise called Kimosabe’s, another poorly ventilated, bad pizza and beer joint.
Already saddle chatter indicates that there may be legal conflicts over the use of the name Kimosabe since it was copyrighted in the names of both of the crime fighting characters in 1940. Attorneys for the Lone Ranger did not return calls.
Meanwhile the Masked Man has vowed to march on. He is currently accepting resumes and conducting high-powered interviews in an attempt to fill the vacancy created by the buckskinned Tonto, a name which can often mean dummy or stupid in Spanish. Since Tonto is a minority, the Ranger has elected to choose a new companion/backup from a host of such groups.
“I am going to have to put a lot of thought into this,” said the Masked Man. “Fans are quite used to The Lone Ranger and Tonto. You know…it has a certain ring to it. I will just have to continue the search until I find a person with the right sounding name.”
Applicants should be “submissive yet brave, attentive yet private, poker faced yet expressive,” according to the Ranger. “Flashy dressers will not be considered for the post and culinary skills are a plus.”
The dilemma is overwhelming. So far the Masked Man has come up with “The Lone Ranger and O’Leary”, “The Lone Ranger and Moskowitz”, “The Lone Ranger and Wang”, “The Lone Ranger and Washington”, “The Lone Range and Ms. Wilkens” and “The Lone Ranger and Martinez”.
Any interested parties should email the Lone Ranger: silverand away@hihoranch.

Local Man Claims World is Round

(Geometrical-Metaphysics – Montrose, Colorado – March 25, 2015)
A 49-year-old Montrose resident is still missing after rocking the boat in this land-locked pea-port, by suggesting that the world is round. Insisting that the earth is not flat, Melvin Toole, a semi-retired utensil designer, originally from Paraguay, drew the ire of many pitchfork town folk here.
Many people cling to old beliefs, especially those that clearly discourage thinking or physical exercise.
Slamming theories that have circulated since Otto Mears built his first toll road, Toole made public his rambling hypothesis at a Wake Up Montrose breakfast held at Riverbottom Park last Tuesday. While many in the audience cheered, many stormed out of the park mumbling about blasphemy, witchcraft and paganism. Still others fell asleep in their picnic omelets.
Toole went on to describe the earth as a sphere that orbits around the sun the primary star in our galaxy. He disregarded the flatness theory stressing that “If the world was flat how did the Indians ever get to India, or Indiana for that matter?
“Earth evolved much like its future renters (inhabitants) and that these facts in no way conflict with Creationist teachings on the subject. If we could all just get along and realize we are all in this together we might be kilometers ahead.”
Toole concluded the three-hour lecture with a rousing rendition of “I’ll Be Around” then sped off in his chauffeur-driven surrey. His destination was never clear but followers say he had another non-speaking engagement with a fallen angel near the old coal stove in Ouray.
He never materialized and was reported missing the next morning. Police are taking a precautious approach so as not to concern themselves or others. Many privately say they hope another existentialist shows up in his place.
One citizen, who preferred to remain anonymous, since he was presumably anonymous in the first place, said that Toole had wandered too close to the edge of the earth and simply fell off.
Another thought he was probably pushed. – Muriel Axelrod

Creating the new Tinkers of the Universe

And there we sat for 700 years “gnawing on a naked bone” according to William Butler Yeats but “take a peek at us “now to paraphrase Dylan Thomas

Then another peek: Davey Crocket at the Dublin Post Office on Easter Monday in 1916. “Hey, wait. I’m supposed to be at the Alamo…”

Something deep within the Celtic soul seeks solitude, nature, something more than concrete and neon.

The Irish were victims of English tyranny for almost 800 years. They tried and failed to destroy us as a race. Yet many people of color often mistake us for the oppressors because of the color of our skin. We have never had colonies or oppressed anyone except ourselves. Please get the facts straight and buy us a Guinness or two.

New month, new day of the week proposed by feds

(Arlington VA) A brand new month and an eighth day of the week may join the other 12 and 7 respectively if a Congressional Committee gets its way. According to a group of veteran lobbyists opposed to Daylight Savings Time, official Monday holidays, nudie calendars, dysfunctional plastic wrap, digital wall clocks and termination dates on lunchmeat, victory is within sight.
These traditionalists are demanding a return to simpler times but say they need some expanded elbowroom to chart public opinion and implement restrictions.
“We’re looking to pass an amendment and be finished with all the cosmetics and disguises,” said lobbyists Peter Rabbit, who among his other duties serves as a twice-indicted strip mall preacher here on weekends.
The new day would be called “Unday”, a 24-hour period where citizens would not have to go to work but would be permitted to leave their homes. The new month “Bachtember”, is named for Bacchus, the Roman god of daily libations and weekend promiscuity.
Sources familiar with the ridiculous, told The Horseshoe that Unday would follow Sunday as a sort of buffer to the work week, while Bachtember would allow persons more time for annual harvests, fall colors, and add 4 more games to most college and professional football team schedules.
“We do not expect this shift to create problems like those imagined at the turn of the last millennium,” said Rabbit, nose a-twitching in apprehension of yet another attempt to harness time.
Proponents continue to insist that although the changes would be difficult at first, the majority of people would soon benefit after a short interval.
– Phil E. Buster

House GOP Votes to Deport Statue of Liberty

(New York) Lady Liberty, already the victim of the arrogance and incompetence of the Homeland Security Agency, may be deported if House Republicans have their way.
Saying the statue sends the wrong message to potential immigrants, John White (R-Mars) has introduced a bill that would send the 150-foot Miss Liberty packing.

Heady action leads to dismissal

“Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breath free,” is seriously outdated,” said White who did not know if his aristocrat descendents had arrived here or in New Orleans in the 1700s. “Right now what our corporate masters need is the obedience and cooperation of the people already brainwashed, not a lot of new loafers living off the system.”
White, born wealthy, has never worked, unless one counts his term in Congress. He has found a great deal of support for his measure within his party. Many Republicans, hoping to play the Jesus card, are placating the Christian voting block by calling for the ouster of “a pagan goddess from a nation of sinners”.
For the historically challenged, Lady Liberty was a gift from France in 1886. The colossal neoclassical sculpture was modeled after Libertas, the Roman goddess of freedom.
“The last thing we need hovering over New York Harbor is more paganism,” said White, adding fuel to his cold, wet fire. “I welcome the Senate vote on this bill and hope our colleagues there share the same values in preserving the pecking order that has been in place since before the Revolution.”
La Liberte eclairant le monde (Liberty enlightening the world) had no comment on the proceedings, her torch of freedom dragging and the chains at her feet tightening by the day. Already some 60 nations have offered her amnesty as a political refugee while several New Jersey developers plan a shopping mall near her base called Liberty Square and a small museum (out back) recounting the statue’s heralded reign here.

Waving goodbye to Ms Liberty

“She has survived 9/11, deterioration caused by salt and pollution, and Hurricane Sandy only to be attacked by another opportunist looking to make a name for himself,” said a supporter. “The people who really run this country have no need of symbols like this. The Americans who support the deportation have no right to live here if they can be so easily manipulated by people like White. They are a howling farce.” – Uncle Pahgre