All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

AMA Recommends Porch Sitting

Delta, CO — News of Bibs and Bonnets – May 25, 2015

In a total reversal from previous suggestion the American Medical Association now heartily urges all Americans to porch sit for at least two hours per day. Discounting long-held views as to the benefits of exercise the AMA even went so far as to imply that too much running around could be harmful to the general attitude.
A new pamphlet “Safe, Effective Porch Sitting” is available at your local pharmacy. A companion booklet “The Porch – The Front Soul” asks some reaching questions, probing the psycho-neurological condition of a person who would actually buy a home without a porch on the front of it.
Porch sitting, as most of us know, if a relaxing logical shutdown where the sitter engages in any number of projects from sleeping in a hammock to painting the thing. Often it is experienced as a short pause but can last all day and in to the night when not curtailed by other socialization. It is a wonderful way to wake up in the morning no matter where the sun might be.
An often-asked question in response to these urgent conceptions herein and therein is: “But what if I don’t got a porch?” The answer, say the docs, is to get one.” – Small Mouth Bess

Cereal Killer Still at Large

(Ridgway, CO — Back of the Box Press — May 25, 2015)
A person of interest, described as a madman continues to elude police this evening leaving this mountain hamlet on edge.
The cold-blooded assassin has now claimed responsibility for the untimely demise Frank L. White, the Cream of Wheat chef, who was found dead yesterday. Such standout mascots as Tony the Tiger, Fruity Pebbles, Sugar Bear, Captain Crunch, Snap, Crackle and Pop and others have already fallen.
The killer seems to get stronger and less visible with every episode. Detectives on the case agree that the carnage from one violent act provides the flame, the desire to commit further atrocities.
Anyone who has appeared on a Wheaties box is urged to be careful, modify daily routines, pack some protection, and not wander around alone after dark.
“Pretty soon we’re bound to run out of cereal box personalities and this killer will expand his/her guest list,” said former town councilman and San Miguel County refugee Patsy Cake. “If this continues I’ll move back to Telluride.”
In her best-selling autobiography “Vile Coffee and the Educated Electorate” Ouray County health official Dr. Kaye Zevonne discusses the effects of metabolic stress on cardboard hate crimes.
“Whenever we see violence against innocent cereal box personalities we can pretty much determine that no one is safe,” says the doctor, who specializes in abnormal psychology both at work and in her daily life. “These copy cat crimes are the result of a desire to be important, even famous. It’s a sick culture that tolerates these actions with or without milk and sugar.”
Police are requesting that all residents keep their doors secured and eat only lunch and dinner until this matter is resolved.
“We’ll catch this monster and cut off his corn flakes, if you get my drift,” said one deputy. – Rufus Max

Obama Slams Black Friday

(Special to The Horseshoe from The Honolulu Pearl – May 10, 2015)

President Obama today slammed Black Friday expressing strong distaste for the entire concept, threatening to veto the retail practice in 2015.
Saying that the entire concept derides humans and benefits only the credit card companies, the Chief Executive identified what he called “callus consumerism and bottom-feeder disregard for one’s neighbor as a destructive element in our descending social networks.”
“We spend Thanksgiving being thankful for what we have then the very next day we go out and buy a lot of crap we don’t need,” said the President.
A White House spokesman went on to say that the American public is riding on improprieties and turning our most cherished holidays into a competition for who goes home with the loot.
“As a nation we need to stop this nonsense and get back to what is important: family, personal responsibility and concern for one’s fellow man, not more plastic,” he stressed.
The State of Colorado, tapping excess resources leftover from The Affordable Care Act, offers counseling and in-patient care for the chronically maladjusted.
“We cringe at the thought that other holidays will adopt this animal approach,” continued the spokesman. “Valentines Day is dead in the water but holidays such as Earth Day and July 4 and have maintained their integrity in the face of corporate socialism.”
Actually this is the same old whining and there is not much more content here. We just liked the headline. – Dinty Moor

For a related story please see Hard News:
Contraband Brownies Credited with House Shift on DC Legalization

Hickenlooper signs bill returning land to Utes

Includes Most of the Uncompahgre Valley

(Special from The Drum Beat – Silverton, CO – April 25, 2015)

In a controversial move Governor John Hickenlooper today signed into law new legislation that effectively returns the Uncompahgre Valley to the Ute Nation.
The unconditional arrangement was agreed to after a short, heated debate. The Ute have been aggressively lobbying both the state house and senate since 2003, insisting that the property was stolen from them due to a series of illegal transfers and lopsided treaties that were never taken seriously by the whites.
“The smoke and mirrors of the 19th Century don’t work anymore,” said a relieved Ute spokesperson. “The treaties and promises were never honored and therefore any and all contracts are null and void.”
Many in the mountain tribe expressed concern as to the priorities of the soon-to-be ex-inhabitants. Did they take care of the place? Is there still infrastructure in place befitting a warrior nation?
“We had the liberal vote in the House since we bought lunch. Most of the folks there on the Front Range don’t know the difference between Ouray and Uruguay. It’s democracy in action,” said another soon-to-be-landlord of these environs.
“The conservatives in the Senate thought the Utes were an endangered river fish on the Yampa. We allowed them to believe what they wanted to believe. They voted for the bill. to look good for the environmentalists. ”
The case sets an incredible precedent in Colorado and the West and may be the first step in what could be a very long and tedious procedure that may ultimately return North America to its rightful owners.
A press release from the tribe’s Denver lawyers clearly stipulates that the current residents will have 90 days to vacate the premises. Many are expected to relocate to Utah. – Gabby Haze

USFS TO PULL ASTROTURF

(Denver) The National Forests will be free of astroturf by summer according to the official word from the Department of the Interior. In a long-awaited announcement a spokesman, at the regional office here, confirmed that the removal of the dangerous material would begin as early as next week.
Before the agency can actually tear out the synthetic grass replacement, it must shoulder the task of removing snow. Although the white stuff has been sparse so far this year it is still a monumental task at best. Already gov’ment agents have combed the public houses in search of a labor force. Over 500 snowplows are expected by the weekend, many dropped from helicopters or acquisitioned from local peasants.
According to an official document the USFS says it has condemned forest floors in San Juan, Uncompahgre, Gunnison, Mesa and White River National Forests. Isolation of elusive astroturf colonies in the other forests will follow.
“We wanted to begin the demolition in areas far away from the major population centers in case we foul up the works,” said Maggie Pye, an forest service officer who admittedly has not been in the woods since 1974. “I can’t get away from my desk but I get to wear the official uniform and all,” she quipped. “I even get to carry a gun.”
The action appears to be a result of a gov’ment study on the health of animals currently residing on the federal land. Since the installation of the astroturf, knee injuries among the elk population have doubled while the lighter deer have been almost injury free under normal conditions. When it rains or snows that changes drastically.
“We’ve had more mule deer in rehab since 1985, when that carpet was added to the woodland ecology, than we had since we started counting the animals,” said Pye. “The majority of the deer suffer from knee injuries too.”
Other smaller animals, and even a black bear or two, have suffered career-ending damage as a result of the astroturf which does not give at impact.
“Just the other morning several of us watched as a snowshoe rabbit planted his paw in an attempt to elude a mountain lion, continued the source. “Then we heard a snap…it was his little knee and the rabbit was lunch. After a few years’ exposure to the elements, the astroturf turns to a slippery clay-like substance when it gets wet. We’ve no choice but to pull the stuff up or build a dome over the forest.”
With all the competition for herds in the mountain west combined with the salaries one would think the powers that be would see the disastrous affects of astroturf, adds Pye.
“Sure it’s virtually maintenance free and looks great from above but it’s only a small step up from asphalt. In addition it’s inedible and the larger mammals have trouble sleeping on it. I prefer to blame the engineering department for the whole mess.”
The original expense incurred when the astroturf was first laid came in at about $620,000. The cleanup is projected at slightly higher.
“But that takes into account inflation over the past 15 years,” said Pye. “Either way, we think it’s a good deal for the taxpayer. I just can’t wait to see the look of the bears’ faces when they wake up to real grass in the spring.”
The astroturf tailings will be stored at the Rocky Mountain Arsenal near Golden until it goes away.
– Kashmir Horseshoe

State Plans 60 New Scenic Views by June

(Denver) Strategists here have decided to grace the state with more than 60 new scenic viewing pull-offs on Highways 50, 550 and 145 it was disclosed this morning.
The new construction is expected to hold up traffic for months despite the fact that most of the work is being done off-road. Crews from as far away as Mack will begin preliminary dozing as early as March 15.
“We plan to include bathrooms in the more upscale views,” said Melvin O’Toole, planner and recognized brains behind the effort. “When we’re done it oughta be damned panoramic around here!”
The scenic views are said to be repayment for all of the water stolen by Front Range communities since the 50s.
“It’s all very politically correct,” said Toole. “I love the smell of asphalt going down on a hot road. When we’re all done we’ll have scenic views looking on to other scenic views.”