Green Lawn Key to Pearly Gates says Preacher

(LaPlata Purgatory Post — June 25, 2015)

People who maintain a nice plush lawn are more likely to get into heaven than folks who let their grass turn brown says Rev. Billy Dee Wannamaker. Speaking at the Blinding Restitution and Collection Plate Temple here Wannamaker, who has lived all but one day of his 57 years in Grand Junction, told a packed house “Green is good.”

“Why would God allow anyone into the Kingdom who couldn’t even take care of his lawn?” asked the reverend. “Think about it.”
Wannamaker’s sermons gained much notoriety back in the 90s when he successfully brought back a seeded lawn at Walker Field. In 1997 he directed what is now known as “the virtual miracle at Mack” where sagebrush was turned to sod before the eyes of the assembled.
He then sent Mesa County a bill for the water saying he owned the patent for irrigation systems in North America. Confused, frightened bureaucrats even sent him a check.
“That,” smiled one of the faithful, “was the Rev’s biggest miracle of all.”
– Fred Zeppelin