Cereal Killer Still at Large

(Ridgway, CO — Back of the Box Press — May 25, 2015)
A person of interest, described as a madman continues to elude police this evening leaving this mountain hamlet on edge.
The cold-blooded assassin has now claimed responsibility for the untimely demise Frank L. White, the Cream of Wheat chef, who was found dead yesterday. Such standout mascots as Tony the Tiger, Fruity Pebbles, Sugar Bear, Captain Crunch, Snap, Crackle and Pop and others have already fallen.
The killer seems to get stronger and less visible with every episode. Detectives on the case agree that the carnage from one violent act provides the flame, the desire to commit further atrocities.
Anyone who has appeared on a Wheaties box is urged to be careful, modify daily routines, pack some protection, and not wander around alone after dark.
“Pretty soon we’re bound to run out of cereal box personalities and this killer will expand his/her guest list,” said former town councilman and San Miguel County refugee Patsy Cake. “If this continues I’ll move back to Telluride.”
In her best-selling autobiography “Vile Coffee and the Educated Electorate” Ouray County health official Dr. Kaye Zevonne discusses the effects of metabolic stress on cardboard hate crimes.
“Whenever we see violence against innocent cereal box personalities we can pretty much determine that no one is safe,” says the doctor, who specializes in abnormal psychology both at work and in her daily life. “These copy cat crimes are the result of a desire to be important, even famous. It’s a sick culture that tolerates these actions with or without milk and sugar.”
Police are requesting that all residents keep their doors secured and eat only lunch and dinner until this matter is resolved.
“We’ll catch this monster and cut off his corn flakes, if you get my drift,” said one deputy. – Rufus Max