All Entries in the "Hard News" Category

Facing Reality Heads List Of “Most Unpopular”

(Jackass Flats —  Ouray, CO — February 10, 2015) Facing reality, even dealing with occasional threads, brushes or bouts with reality, paying bills and having dinner with hostile relatives topped the list of The Ten Most Unpopular Duties according to studies conducted by Club Zen.
More than 97% of those polled said they hated the real world and would do everything in their power to avoid reality, preferring to fantasize. 73% said they hated paying bills so much that they impulsively purchased alcohol and other sin products to cheer themselves up, leaving them no funds to cover their liabilities.
All of those interviewed shared a dislike for having dinner with hostile relatives, especially before their morning gin.
Other noticeably unpopular occurrences include catching a finger in the car door, being naked in front of a large continent of law enforcement personnel and swallowing a lit cigar. -Herb Ditchwater

County Commissioners Poised to Close Bordellos

(Montrose Whirled & Post —  February 10, 2015) County Commissioners are between a rock and a hard place when it comes to the legality of the more than 40 brothels that pepper this burg. Two of the elected officials are currently maneuvering to shut down the houses of ill repute while one insists that victimless crimes are not her priority.
Varied citizen’s groups have called for the termination of these businesses. Others say leave them be. Still others want to limit the number of bordellos and place a moratorium on new establishments.
The flesh peddlers, however, are keeping a low profile until the episode blows over.
One moderate commissioner told demonstrators in front of the courthouse that he shared their concerns but reminded them that historically the ladies of the evening were quick to donate to charitable causes, served as nurses in medical emergencies and kept cowboys and miners from threatening the social strata with misdeeds and violence.
“I didn’t realize that there were that many brothels within the city limits,” he said. “And people say we have no nightlife here.”
Self-induced moralists, who want all of the houses closed immediately, voiced concern that the sub-culture encourages other unlawful behavior and sets a seedy precedent for future growth in the city.
“We have enough whores building Grand Junctionesque temples all over the damn place. I remember when this was a pleasant little town where everyone got along,” said one bystander. “That’s not true anymore. We have become a village of strangers living at the whim of the next wave of chains and strip malls.”
Bad decisions, it is acknowledged, have sold out the soul of the city, traded it for gold if you will, but the benefits of growth are as questionable as another snort of meth. Just take a peek at South Townsend. It looks like Arvada…a suburb without a city.
“If we allow these houses to continue to operate, the situation will become intolerable,” said Margot Whippett, spokesperson for a coalition of churches and businesses. “Before long we’ll have satellite businesses cropping up in those neighborhoods…more bars…marijuana dispensaries…maybe even a real bookstore. If we ignore this blemish we might even have Democrats holding public office.”
One demonstrator held up a sign that read: “Don’t tell mama I work in the oilfields. She thinks I play the piano at a brothel.” He did not elaborate when questioned by reporters.
The response from the other side of the tracks (sans railroad) was varied.
“You don’t see no hookers out trying to close churches, do you?” asked one elderly woman who has lived in the red light district since 1930. “Besides it’s good for tourism. Everybody coming to Colorado isn’t looking to buy a T-shirt or a bag of weed.” – Kashmir Horseshoe

You Animal You

By Dr. Ard von Barke DVM, PDQ, LSMFT (January 20, 2015)

Rover and Kitty Need a Break Too

Many fellow travelers ask: Doc, why do you insist on bringing three dogs and a cat on vacation? My eternal response remains: Rover and Kitty need a vacation too!
It is important for pets to se the world. Some enjoy travel so much that they will tolerate tiny cages or leashes and other restraints just to accompany their masters. These are inconveniences that the more intelligent dog or cat will figure is just part of the routine. After all very few of these freeloaders is buying his own ticket is he?
But why do our four-legged friends need a vacation? Often it is simply to break the monotony of knocking over trashcans or chasing mice. These repetitious chores cause dangerous stress levels that can build up over time. Most of us have built-in escapes or activities that encourage relaxation while poor Kitty and Rover do not.
Do you think it’s easy to bark, howl or scream all night long then sleep in the hot sun all day? Well you try it sometime.
Next time think a little about others and include your pets in your vacation plans. The result will be a far more directed, well-adapted dog or cat.
NEXT MONTH: FAVORITE FOUR-LEGGED VACATION SPOTS
(Note: Before I forget again, if you didn’t have Blackistan Bubonic Plague as a child DON’T PLAY WITH THE MARMOT PUPS THIS YEAR. Pitifully those cute, cuddly whistle pigs that come right up to your car to feed, are carriers of the dreadful disease. Fortunately for them it is all they have to carry as they traverse high country meadows and negotiate alpine snowfields in their ongoing quest for better food and accommodations above timberline.
The affliction begins with paralysis and swelling of the lower cranial devices leading to motion sickness, galloping consumption and inevitably voting Republican. If you are anyone in your care exhibit these warning signs please keep them warm, quiet and away from the rest of us.

Astronomical Development Has Scientists Reeling

(Dry Creek —  January 20, 2015) Professors at Chattanooga Observatory announced late last night that Ganymede, the largest of Jupiter’s satellites, has been forced out of its normal orbit due to gravitational disturbances relating to unmanned spaceships and fracking on the earth’s surface.
The spaceship traffic has crowded the skies and marred long established gravity belts near the ozone of the earth, while the fracking has created a volatile stratospheric maze of earthquakes that have ravaged such garden spots as Oklahoma and Texas, where 98 % of the residents favor fracking and believe the Second Coming is at hand.
At last count Ganymede was on a collision corpse with Earth, a planet currently enjoying a midsummer night’s dream. The satellite, one of the famed Galilean moons that is roughly the same size as our planet, should hit the southern reaches of the city of Montrose at 9:45 pm on August 32, which would most likely kick start the end of the world. (That’s all folks).
Grandstands are being hastily constructed to accommodate the tourist crowd still swooning over the Fourth of July fireworks show. Reservations can be secured by contacting any member of a plethora of economic growth committees, several airport chat lines or Region Zen. All tickets must be paid for in advance.

Obama waxes favorably in polls

(Gunnison —  January 20, 2015) President Obama’s approval rating skyrocketed today according to the latest Gallup Poll conducted in remote, untouched communities. The strict scientific survey asked 300 remaining American survivors of last week’s nuclear war if they thought Obama had done a good job in light of the marginal destruction of mankind. Further probes clearly indicate that the upsurge in popularity was linked to a direct hit on Lenin’s Tomb in Red Square. The bold move came in retaliation for the dreadful Russian bombing of Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills.
“Decisive, manly action is what we need in the foreign policy sector,” said General Karl Worthington Bulbous of Pentagon-Exxon. “All this planning and coordinating is a waste of time. Our great President Ronald Reagan never paid attention to restraint, and, although his only victory came in Grenada. Republicans remember him as a great warrior President, presumably because of the way he played soldiers in the movies.
With an inconceivable approval rating of 98% Obama has declared an end to opinion polls in this country and has arrested the 2% that still don’t like him. With the substantially smaller population base in the country, federal pollsters will now be able to interview everyone personally and avoid errors that have plagued the practice since Napoleon.
– Professor Peter Boyd

NHL Weighs in on Global Warming

(Denver, CO — Blue Line News — January 10, 2015)
The National Hockey League will institute protective measures aimed at safeguarding its sport in the face of climate change. In what is seen as an attempt to insulate itself from future warming trends, the league has levied fines and slapped restrictions on teams not adhering to strict new regulations.
It all starts with water, frozen and intricately merged with the parameters of a rink to form a smooth skating surface. This ice forms the catalyst on which everything else depends. Without it ice, ice hockey would be field hockey.
Besides bringing attention to climate change the NHL is encouraging all fans to dress appropriately and take mass transit to the games.
“What we don’t need is excess body heat in the stands,” said an NHL source. “Heavy coats and scarves can create dangerous ratios when combined with the increased temperatures already in play. People don’t believe it but just a degree can result in treacherous ice quality. We’ll be checking if you know what I mean. Even a simple hand warmer can be detrimental in this fragile relationship between hot air and ice.”
The hot air, created by sports analysts and broadcasters has been blamed for the loss of 16 inches of ice at league venues in 2014 alone.
“We are considering the banishment of all sportscasters until levels of generated methane gas it can be determined,” said the source. “Fans take the ice for granted. If we hope to save our beloved ice hockey we must protect and preserve the major components, and I’m talking about the pucks.”
– Donald Cherry