All Entries in the "Hard News" Category

NORWOOD WILL ENFORCE MANDATORY NAP ORDINANCE

(Wright’s Mesa Recollections – January 10, 2015)
(Goodenough Gulch) The town of Norwood plans to penalize residents who refuse to take an afternoon nap during the month of January. The siestas, suggested to be at least an hour in length, are said to improve the general attitude of the populace and make things more relaxed for everyone.
“People really get crabby around here when winter sets in,” said Morpheus Snoozer, a retired Wright’s Mesa rancher and hibernation proponent. “All they need is a little time-out in the early afternoon and their overall outlook is much brighter.”
Snoozer pointed to the town’s population of dogs and cats, who are known to take a nap at the slightest provocation.
“You don’t see these creatures barking and hissing at people all winter long, do you?” he asked.
Designated nap times will be formulated in alphabetical order, but will be limited to the confines of early afternoon according to Snoozer. People who refuse to cooperate will be sent to bed without dinner.
“No matter what benefits surface, it is inconceivable for everyone to go to sleep at the same time,” he confessed. “Hell, if that happened some stranger could waltz right in and steal the whole town.”
-H.L. Menoken

Decline of National Attention Span Told

(Fond Memories News Service – Ridgway, Colorado – January 10, 2015)
The attention span of the average American dipped again this year prompting the office of the surgeon general to issue new warnings on the nation’s dwindling brain trust.
The new concentration phase is less than two minutes, down from 8.3 minutes in 1969 and 13.1 minutes in 1954.
Television, cell phones, computers, calculators, exotic hairstyles, tattoos, video games, noise pollution, stress and micro-waved burritos have been earmarked as the major culprits causing the disappointing statistics.
“People have become the destination rather than the source of vital data in 2014,” said M.L. Philopio, a disbarred attorney turned metaphysical sausage maker. “It’s a lot like shooting ducks in your own living room.”
Economists on both sides of the sea have complained of this phenomenon for decades, blaming a recessive attention chromosome for a serious drop in worker production and quality. Management suffers from the same malady often resulting in mass confusion in the workplace.
“Most workers are distracted by a change in lighting, a new employee, a minor change in routine, even a spilled cup of coffee in the break room,” said Philopio. “At the top of the heap we see middle managers unable to complete tasks and top executives lacking leadership initiatives.”
In quick response to the country’s needs, Senate Democrats think they have voted to delegate funds to correct the burgeoning problem but forgot to designate the recipient of the cash. The continual decline is denied, along with climate change and evolution and by House Republicans, who don’t remember what they ate for breakfast much less their last campaign promises. Both groups have long exhibited the behavior of someone left too long in July’s hot car.
As to the future of the dilemma scientists told a…Wow, look at the size of those fluffy clouds in the bluer than blue sky…I wonder if birds can really fly through them without getting turned around? When I get off work I’m heading to the driving range but I forgot to pick up my laundry at the dry cleaner…The Horseshoe that the road to recovery will be full of chuckholes…and tomorrow I’m having donuts with my coffee. Man, are those leaves changing quickly. Hey, I have a five-dollar bill in my pants pocket. Look at that beautiful woman. I wonder if the Broncos will win on Sunday… -Walter Papermoney

125 years ago today 1889

Today in History — December 27, 2014

First urinalysis tests conducted on hostile Jicarilla Apache in the Chiricahuas. Balanced Budget jokes bring down the house at Washington’s Ford Theater. First Rush Hour established in New York City. Onions in use as aphrodisiacs in Colorado mining camps. Karl Marx releases Duck Soup, a frank social commentary on eroticism before and after the Russian Revolution. Ernst von Bergmann first utilizes steam to press his favorite boxer shorts. The toddler Ty Cobb accidentally spikes his pediatrician during a routine office exam. Vice President Levi Morton threatens to quit the Harrison Administration when offered a barker position at the Paris World’s Fair Exposition. He is placated when Benjamin Harrison sends him as official US envoy to the dedication of the Eiffel Tower a few weeks later.

125 years from today

Convicts that have been serving hard time for failing to choose a long distance telephone company released from Attica Prison. Hippie Surplus stores expanding in franchise market. Rockies take over first place after stellar relief pitching performances completely stymie the competition. Solar energy prices level off at the pump in time for Labor Day Weekend. Miners working under Ernesto “La Cabra” DeGregorio, discover endless veins of pure surface asphalt at Montrose. Synthetic rocket fuel is in great demand with the exit of earthlings from a choked, toxic planet. Last known industrial polluters executed by firing squad. Jimmy Dean linked to illegal sausage operations dating back to 2003. United States falls behind Honduras, Bangladesh and Sudan in quality of high school education. Fudd-Lite commercial filmed at Gothic, Colorado.

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The Hordes’ Prayer

Our bother
Who art in Denver
Shallow be your feign
Your desert comes,
Our water gone
In Gunnison as it is in Aurora.

Give us this day our waterbeds
And forgive us our consumer excesses
As we forgive those who claim our resources
And lead us not into taxation
World without television
AM.

On this day in history

On this day in History from Gunnison, Colorado Archives —December 12, 2014

In 10,000 BC Cave person Oog Muklucke invented the first rock music by simultaneously pounding two geodes together and stomping his feet. Some of his more important compositions were “Rock Around the Sundial”, “Blue Suede Loincloth” and “Hit the Brontosaurus Path, Jack”. Sadly he was several millennia ahead of his time and no one cared to listen to his songs. He died in poverty and obscurity. Centuries later Michael Jackson bought the rights to the songs and Muklucke’s descendants (still resembling cave personnel) enjoyed the spoils of his ancient rhythms.

In 1505 Hector Joaquin III led a fiery assault on Brandenburg, Germany, employing 8000 lancers, 120,000 cavalry and three divisions of battle-hardened Flemish infantry. Joaquin, no stranger to high fashion appeared on the field adorned in a tasteful Prussian herringbone waistcoat, highbrow slacks of woven corduroy, a patchwork plume de schlock greatcoat and spats of pure gold Persian guano worth more than his mount. Accompanying the soon to be celebrity were the Second Flying Battalion of Hogs in Armor. Residents of the city slept through the entire incident culminating in a vain attempt to ignite the city’s rock walls.

In 1777 (still remember fondly as the Year of the Three Sevens) Spanish explorer Juan de la Tutu passed over the future site of Montrose while searching for a gay bar and a route to the Pacific. Curious Ute warriors, encountering the scantily attired, yet fashionable, Tutu the Conquistadora, was given a buffalo robe and a coffee-stained map of the Great Salt Lake before being sent on his way.

In 1832 Mary Poppins plummeted to her death due to a faulty rear-end on her magic umbrella. After formal and systematic examination, investigators concluded that the dysfunction was the result of sabotage on the part of workers earning minimum wage while a flamboyant Poppins lived the high life in London.

In 1846 the United States and Mexico signed the Treaty of Little Latin Lupe Lu whereby the US would stop stealing Mexico’s land in return for the recipe for Sonoran Chili Rellenos and Veracruz Guacamole Dip. Unfortunately the recipes then fell into the hands of the United Fruit Company that used them as a pretense to grow bananas and prevent the redistribution of lands to poor campesinos in Central America.

In 1889 cowpunchers in Parlin, Colorado suspended plans to breed a toy quarter horse by transferring DNA of miniature poodles into the gene pool of Pura Raza Andalusian stock. The infant results of the experiments discouraged shade tree animal husbandry for the next two decades. Most of the breeders left Colorado in disgrace as geldings.

In 1920 Banjo Patterson (1861-1941) penned “Waltzing Mathilda” while incarcerated in Prague for his alleged distribution of “Clancy of the Overflow”, a seriously discredited account of Leadville’s first bathing beauty contest held at Stringtown following the First World War. Patterson was then exonerated only to be sent to a maximum security prison in Odessa for whispering that the deposed Czar Nicholas had the manners of a hungry seagull.

In 1979 a team of surgeons from the now defunct Longbranch University School of Medicinal Liquids announced that they had successfully transplanted the brain of a marmot into the head of a tourist. The project, a joint venture between the doctors and the School of Political Science, was aimed at creating a better-informed electorate that would sleep under rocks in the ground on election day.

In 2012 both the Democratic and Republican Parties adopted a platform of truth, justice and accountability at respective conventions this morning only to reverse the action in the afternoon when it became apparent that the original platform was in direct conflict with at least 90% of those present.
– compiled by Manny Copac